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Opinion: I Believe In Traditional American Values, Which Is Why I Make My Kids Read the Bible at Gunpoint

If history has shown us anything, it’s that America best exhibits its core values when done by force. The woke liberal industrial complex trying to turn our kids gay or worse, tolerant of other viewpoints, poses an existential threat to our, by which I mean my, way of life. It’s up to parents to ensure their right to instill the Christian values that make this country great. That’s why when my kids read the bible, I always make sure there’s a loaded gun trained on them.

Thankfully I live in a state where guns are prized off at church bingo night, cue the AR-15 that I keep trained on my children during mandatory bible study. And before any of you snowflakes cry about putting a gun in my kids’ faces, I always keep the safety on. Oh, wait — okay, NOW the safety is on.

I love what our founding fathers did to lay the groundwork for this great nation. But who I love even more are their predecessors the Puritans, who absolutely got it right with enforcing Christianity to the point where they’d set you on fire the moment you strayed from the flock. Couple that enthusiasm for Christ with the 2nd Amendment and you’d be surprised how well you can make a child memorize Leviticus front to back.
I want my kids to grow up to be upstanding citizens with a strong belief in their faith, and I’ve found the most effective way for them to accept God in their lives is to threaten them to meet God. As the old saying goes, “spare the rifle, spoil the child”.

If anything, I’m getting them ready for real world situations, like how they could be minding their own business, and someone barges in with a rifle and starts indiscriminately firing. Oh sure, my children like to bellyache about wanting to play with other kids and have tried to escape our home numerous times. I don’t blame them, what with those hedonistic, secular delights out there like gun free zones and movies without Kevin Sorbo in them. But they eventually come around ever since I installed the sniper tower at the end of the driveway.

I don’t care how many of my neighbors accuse me of child abuse or that my own church tells me Jesus wouldn’t condone my behavior. I want my kids to know that so long as they believe every word of the Bible is true, I won’t pull the trigger. Unless they don’t stand for the flag.