Vegan Hardcore Band Forced to Settle for Pescatarian Bass Player

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SAN DIEGO — Members of the vegan hardcore band Right Side were reportedly forced to settle for a pescatarian bass player after their hunt for a replacement ended in disappointment, confirmed multiple sources currently reading the ingredients list on a box of fruit snacks.

“We were all vegan in the beginning. A bunch of twenty-somethings in a van, eating Oreos at every gas station, and knocking burgers out of the hands of meatheads,” said Ryan Burke, the band’s founding guitar player. “But some of the guys got old. Some had kids. Some just got tired of only eating french fries every night of the tour. So we couldn’t find a vegan replacement this time, but hey, Steve is a nice guy. And a pretty good bass player! I just don’t totally understand why eating fish is the hill he’s willing to die on, but I guess I can get over it. Well, he made it a point to mention he eats octopus too. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that.”

Steve Visser, the newest member of the legendary vegan outfit, feels like he’s close enough.

“We agree on almost everything! I don’t eat chicken, pork, or beef. So what if I have the occasional piece of sashimi? It’s healthy. It makes me feel good. My impact on the planet is so much less than a meat eater. There are lots of health benefits to eating seafood, and the oceans are basically ripe for the picking as far as I’m concerned. We are all familiar with the saying ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea,’” said Visser. “And no, I haven’t seen that octopus documentary. But I’ve seen that octopus that picks games, and I’m just not that impressed.”

Aliana Dodson is the owner of a vegan co-op and is constantly running into this problem.

“If you think kids don’t want to work these days, wait until you hear about vegan kids. I find those ‘vegans have no energy’ jokes just as offensive as anyone, but even I’m starting to wonder if there’s something to it,” said Dodson just before her third nap of the day. “I used to be really into the idea of hiring an entire staff that shares the same value and morals. I just wanted to build a community driven by a mission. But these days, if we can just see eye to eye on the morality of not stealing Swedish Fish from the checkout aisle, I’ll settle for that.”

At press time, the band was putting on another episode of ‘This American Life’ after no one could agree on what doom album to listen to.

Exhausted Christian Bale Only Gains Three or Four Pounds for New Movie Role

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — A reportedly worn-out Christian Bale only put on a few pounds for an upcoming movie despite his penchant for gaining or losing an excessive amount of weight for roles, sources who pay close attention to celebrities’ body mass index confirmed.

“I used to think 90% of acting was what you put in your mouth, but recently I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s a little more to it than your daily caloric intake,” said Bale. “The second I got the role as a fictional accountant who wonders if there’s more to life than career, I just knew I had to gain 45 pounds immediately. But then I talked myself out of it after realizing I’m not 25 anymore and can’t bounce back like I used to. I wasn’t really planning on gaining any weight whatsoever, but I’m at that age where eating just one sleeve of Oreo cookies causes me to gain three pounds within the hour. Weird that I used to eat the same thing when I lost 60 pounds for ‘The Machinist’ and the weight just fell right off. Ah, to be young again.”

The movie studio was not pleased with Bale’s choice.

“It’s going to be impossible to market a Christian Bale release where he maintains a healthy BMI throughout the entire film,” said Paramount executive Taylor Glason. “He’s not even going to get unnecessarily jacked or anything. At least give us something to work with here. This is like the time we had to promote a normal-sized Bale in a film called ‘Knight of Cups’ in 2015. We didn’t even bother marketing that one, which is probably why no one’s ever heard of it.”

Hollywood insider Sheena Dower emphasized that method acting can greatly help a movie’s success.

“Audiences can’t get enough of actors who go above and beyond to prepare for a film,” said Dower. “Al Pacino famously developed a raging coke habit to get ready for ‘Scarface.’ Anthony Hopkins straight up stole and cooked up a few bodies from his local morgue in order to play Hannibal Lecter. And Arnold Schwarzenegger started exercising religiously to prepare for roles in about three decades worth of films. You’ve got to hand it to actors for their dedication to the art.”

At press time, Bale inadvertently lost three or four pounds right before filming a different movie after developing a nasty case of food poisoning.

Venue Security Guard Not Really Sure Why They’re Needed at They Might Be Giants Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local security guard Frank Bologna has absolutely no clue why he’s needed to work a mostly docile There Might Be Giants show at the Bowery Ballroom, confirmed increasingly bored sources.

“The minute I saw one of the band members walk on stage with an accordion pressed firmly against his torso, I knew we were in for a danger-free evening,” said Bologna while flexing his biceps to warm them up before his next shift. “The most rowdy the audience got was when the band played something called ‘Birdhouse in Your Soul.’ And by rowdy, I mean they finally unlodged their hands from their corduroy pockets and started gently tapping their upper thighs along with the beat while gingerly bobbing their heads. Long story short, no one seemed even remotely capable of physical confrontation. It’s shocking that my boss scheduled dozens of guards for this show.”

Fans of the band seemed intimidated by the staff on hand.

“My only criticism about the evening was that some of the venue sentinels were folding their arms in a very aggressive manner,” said James Triboldt while wearing two They Might Be Giants shirts because he couldn’t decide on just one. “I’m talking mean-mugging and everything. It’s like, did we do something wrong? I hope it wasn’t because I smuggled in a few homemade gluten-free vegan cookies. I knew I should’ve brought enough for everyone. Really screwed the pooch on that one.”

They Might Be Giants singer John Linnell has noticed a pattern with the bouncers at their recent shows.

“A good 75% of the security guards that work our gigs leave halfway through after assessing our audiences as a non-threat and realizing that there are probably more productive things they could be doing with their time,” said Linnell. “A fair amount of venues have even been using cardboard cutouts of security personnel near the front of the stage to strike fear into concertgoers. Seems like it has some sort of scarecrow effect. It works surprisingly well too, since the cutouts are just as realistically motionless as security guards.”

At press time, venue staff prepared for another easy night after noticing that they’d be working during Wilco’s set.

Real Life “Almost Famous?” This Music Journalist Got Paid

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Cameron Crowe’s coming-of-age classic “Almost Famous” is an entertaining, albeit slightly inaccurate portrayal of music journalism. Sure, we can suspend our belief about one particular teenage boy getting offered $1000 for a feature in 1973, but overall this movie sets unrealistic financial expectations for freelance music journalists. Trust us, we know.

Nevertheless, one ambitious freelancer is living out her “Almost Famous” fantasy by actually getting paid! That’s right, 23-year-old Tonya Comstock interviewed a band for her local newspaper and received legal American money for her work. Usually, music journalists are lucky to get a spot on the guest list, a free album from a record label’s PR team, or maybe even a cigarette if they’re interviewing a really cool band. But money? That’s a level of success only seen in the movies.

This is really exciting for Tonya’s career. She may not make enough to quit her day job as a barista, but she made $35. That’s the same amount of cash William Miller got to review a Black Sabbath show before landing a cover story for Rolling Stone. Granted, that kid made a lot more when you remember $35 in 1973 is over $200 adjusted for inflation today, but Tonya is still psyched to have beer money.

Getting paid isn’t the only way Tonya lives out her “Almost Famous” fantasy. She also gets constant phone calls from her overbearing mother who hates rock music and begs her not to do drugs. If scenes from “Almost Famous” keep happening in her personal life at this rate, she’ll be writing for Rolling Stone in no time!

Regardless of the implications for her budding journalism career, Tonya should be proud to earn actual cash. She has plenty of time to pitch even more paid gigs on the flight to her sister’s wedding. Hopefully, that plane ride goes more smoothly than the one in her favorite film about music journalism!

Charitable Punk Puts Half Smoked Cigarette in Donation Bin

Posted on by Zach Hudson

FARGO, N.D. — Local punk Calvin “Patch” McCambell is receiving less than stellar reviews from his community regarding his self-proclaimed act of altruism of putting a half-smoked cigarette in a clothing donation bin.

“Yeah, I’ve always been an empath,” said McCambell. “I could have really used that cigarette, but when I saw that donation bin I thought ‘you know, I bet there are people out there who could use this more than me.’ There should really be cigarette donation bins, but I’ve never seen one, so I figured the clothes bin was the best place to put it. It may not seem like much, but I’m pretty sure Jesus said that it’s better for a poor man to give his only shirt than a rich man to give half his cash or something like that. I’ve never actually been to church, but now I definitely don’t need to go.”

McCambell has been boastfully telling everyone who will listen about his questionable act of charity, including his housemate Stef Manner.

“Patch has been on his high horse for weeks about this and it’s pissing me off,” said Manner. “He won’t shut the fuck up about how he’s ‘really doing something for the community and making a difference’ and asking me and the other housemates what we’re doing to help. He’s never done anything for anybody unless he gets something out of it, and now all of a sudden he’s a self-proclaimed phelanthropist. Also, I bummed him that cigarette, for fucks sake.”

Lisa Punter, manager of the clothing charity Garments For Change, is furious about the situation.

“I don’t know who in their right mind would think putting a lit cigarette into a pile of clothing is a good idea,” said Punter. “Luckily, someone saw the smoke coming out and alerted the fire department. We weren’t able to salvage any of the donations from the bin, and multiple shelters were counting on a shipment from us this week. If this guy really wants to be charitable, he’ll donate his brain to science once he dies of lung cancer.”

At press time, McCambell is considering launching his own not-for-profit organization “Cigs For People Who Need Cigs,” and has been seen scouring ashtrays for salvageable smokes.

Remember New Jack Swing? No? Then You Probably Won’t Do Well on This New Jack Swing Quiz I Worked Hard On

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Nowadays, Hip-hop and R&B are intrinsically connected, rap songs regularly feature soulful hooks over samples and nearly all pop songs have an MC do a verse, but in the late-1980s and early-1990s, the fusion of jazz, R&B, and rap over “swinging” drum machine samples was known as the phenomenon as New Jack Swing.

It was a sensation, I thought it had pervaded the culture enough that a quiz called “How Well Do You Know New Jack Swing?” But no one knows anything about it! So here’s my dumbed down, easy version of the quiz.

1. Which of the following was NOT a member of New Edition?

A. Michael Bivins
B. Bobby Brown
C. Johnny Gill
D. Montell Jordan

Still too hard? Come on!

2. The correct name of this seminal New Jack Swing group is _____.
A. Tony! Tony! Tony!
B. Tony! Tonee! Toe-knee!
C. Tony! Toni! Toné!
D. Tonee! Toneee! Toneeee!

None of this makes sense to you, does it? Look, there was once a group called Tony! Toni! Toné! That’s who I was referring to. Go ahead, circle B. This will be a free space.

3. Color Me Badd were featured on which 90s Fox show?

A. The Simpsons
B. The X-Files
C. Married… With Children
D. Beverly Hills 90210

I hope you guessed the teen drama since it was the perfect venue for a stylish boy band. Not the animated show or the Alien-hunting FBI agents.

4. The term “New Jack Swing” was coined in a profile of Teddy Riley in this now-defunct New York Alternative paper.

A. The New York Times
B. The New York Daily News
C. The New York Post
D. The Village Voice

Didn’t you look at context clues? Even if you’ve never heard of this fusion of hip-hop and R&B, didn’t “Defunct,” “Alternative paper” tell you anything? Alright, I’ll make it easier.

5. Bobbi Brown’s “On Our Own” was featured on the soundtrack to this 1989 spooky comedy sequel.

A. Batman
B. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
C. Ghostbusters II
D. Back to the Future II

6. New Jack Swing is a genre of music.

True or False.

Oh, now it’s too easy?

7. In a drastic career change, famed Singer/Producer Raphael Saadiq founded a video game studio, IllFonic. IllFonic is best known for developing this 2017 survival horror game, based on a long-running horror movie franchise.

A. M3GAN
B. Friday the 13th
C. Midsommar
D. Barbarian

Got that one, didn’t you? Nerd.

8. Kenneth Brian Edmunds got this stage name because of his youthful, babyish face.

A. Babyface
B. Al B. Sure
C. Heavy D
D. Keith Sweat

I’ll take this seriously when you take this seriously. You think writing quizzes is easy?

9. This King of Pop’s record, “Dangerous,” is the best selling New Jack Swing album of all time selling 30 million copies.
Hint: His sister, Janet Jackson’s album, Control was considered the first breakthrough New Jack Swing record.

A. Michael Jackson
B. Adele
C. Meatloaf
D. Santana

Interesting, huh? I was going to put in the stuff about the child molestation accusations, but you got it without that, right? Congrats.

10. Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis wrote songs for the following artists:

A. Morris Day and the Time (It’s going to be all of the above.)
B. Cherrelle
C. Ralph Tresvant
D.
E. All of the Above.

It was all of the above.

Score: Everyone gets an D+ for getting this far.

Enraged Ben Shapiro Challenges boygenius To Publicly Play In Battle of the Bands Against Him

Posted on by James Knapp

WESTCHASE, Fla. — Self-proclaimed smartypants Ben Shapiro reportedly “flew into a tizzy” and demanded indie folk supergroup boygenius publicly perform in a local Battle of the Bands against him to prove that the group was really deserving of its moniker, petulant sources confirmed.

“I’m the real smartest boy around and everybody knows it. If anyone should have the name ‘boygenius,’ as well as all associated copyrights and commercial opportunities, then it should be me!” said Shapiro, currently on his fifth attempt to punch his frail little baby fist through a sheet of brittle drywall. “So I am now formally calling out the band to compete against me in this musical Thunderdome, held in the Westchase First Baptist Church gymnasium this Sunday. That will be plenty of time for this wunderkind to brush up on his sick violin chops and blow all those mouthbreathers out of the fucking swamp water.”

boygenius, though not initially inclined to respond, eventually just kind of said “fuck it.”

“I don’t know, man. At first we were all like let’s just ignore this guy – who cares about the name? But then he just kept Tweeting at us pictures of himself standing in front of Guitar Center holding a single tuning peg with a receipt and we decided we cannot abide that dude calling himself any kind of a genius,” explained Julien Baker, who is currently hitchhiking on a lonesome, windswept highway somewhere. “I wish I could say we don’t have much stake in this battle, but if I’m being honest, that bozo is going down so fucking hard. This is gonna be even better than that time I cold-cocked that guy who had the nerve to call me ‘Jules.’”

Music community members remain divided on the relevance of what some lazier media outlets have dubbed “Geniusgate.”

“I’m still pretty confused as to what exactly is going on here. Why, of all places, would they choose to do this in Florida?” questioned Pitchfork news editor Gary Sanchez. “Of course [Shapiro] hasn’t got a shot in the world – ‘The Record’ isn’t even released yet and Pitchfork already gave it a 9.4 and said it was a ‘once in a generation masterpiece.’ Still, it should be pretty fun to watch. If Shapiro’s music is anywhere as stupid as his screenwriting then this is gonna be a bloodbath.”

At press time, conservative media outlets had preemptively begun hailing Shapiro as “the next Clint Cobain.”

Photo by Gage Skidmore, Rebecca Sowell and David Lee.

How I Landed My Dream Job by Showing Just a Little Bit of Nut in My LinkedIn Profile Pic

Posted on by Dave McNamara

If you want to compete in today’s job market, you need to create a personal brand. You need to show potential employers why you’re the right candidate for the position, and you don’t have a lot of time and space to do so. Research shows that recruiters will look at a candidate’s LinkedIn profile for ten seconds before moving on to the next. So how do you make your profile stand out to a job recruiter? You can start by letting a little nut or nip slip out in your profile pic.

You don’t want to overdo it. Make it something they could almost miss with a quick glance. This will humanize you to recruiters while also letting them know that you’re down to party if the job calls for it. You also need to make sure you choose a solid background for your profile photo – something that doesn’t distract front the main event too much. I used my display of empty Skol vodka bottles I have duck taped to the wall in my living room.

Too many candidates will post universities or colleges in the Education section. Recruiters get tired of reading Dartmouth and Stanford over and over again. Give yourself the edge by listing your top 3 Metallica albums instead. After all, Professor Het taught you way more than that geriatric Comp instructor at Johnson Community College ever did. And don’t just pick the first three albums – throw a curveball in there like Load, or even Re-Load if you think you can back it up during an interview.

If you find yourself getting an in-person interview, make sure your show up with the same nut or nip slipped out. Recruiters really frown on it when a person doesn’t look like their profile photo. Try to answer their questions with the confidence of a Tool fan explaining Lateralus to their nephew at the kid’s table during Thanksgiving. And when the interview concludes, shake hands with the recruiter, giving them that gross little finger scratch on their palm. This will make you more memorable when they start the review process.

Too many candidates rely only on boring stuff like having “relevant work experience” or passing a “Criminal Background Check.” So put your best nut forward and show them who’s the right choice.

Weird Twin Brothers Voted “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Twin brothers Earl and Wayne Dunlap were chosen “Most Likely to Be Rhythm Section in Metal Band” by their fellow seniors, according to unsurprised sources at West Glenville High School.

“We don’t even play instruments!” exclaimed Earl Dunlap while feeding the twins’ pet snakes. “Everybody at that damn school judges us. Just because we’re twins, have long hair, and set the school record for suspensions doesn’t mean we’re going to be in a rock band together. Whatever, I guess it’s better than sophomore year when we were voted ‘Most Likely to Form a Regional Pro Wrestling Tag Team Whose Biggest Brush with Fame is Losing an Untelevised Preliminary Match before an Episode of WWE Smackdown.’ Our school has really specific superlatives.”

Although the twins questioned the student body’s selection, school administration endorsed the possibility that the twins would soon join a touring band.

“Honestly, whatever it takes to get those shitheads out of here,” bemoaned West Glenville High School principal Larry McDufferson. “I’ll take them to Sam Goody and buy them the instruments myself if I have to. When they aren’t fighting each other, they’re destroying the damn school. It’s the reason we’ve gone through five assistant principals in three years. Hell, the state shut down our metal shop program because they somehow built a fully operational ‘Twisted Metal’ style vehicle and used it to storm the football field.”

Despite their lack of musical talent or interest, experts agree that the Dunlap boys have a clear path to rock stardom.

“From Pantera to the Stooges to Every Time I Die, rock bands are full of siblings and, especially, sibling rivalries,” noted rock journalist Alison Redding. “Twins are even better! It doesn’t matter that they don’t play music yet. What’s more essential is that they despise each other. The archetypal role of twins in a rock band is to fight constantly until the band breaks up and they each join competing Dave Grohl side projects.”

As of press time, the twins were last seen drinking beer on the roof of the school as Principal McDufferson shouted at them through a megaphone.

Review: Municipal Waste “Electrified Brain”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

This week the Hard Times takes a look at “Electrified Brain,” the latest offering from legendary Richmond thrashers Municipal Waste.

At least, we thought we were going to…Turns out, between releasing a movie and touring relentlessly with his Ill-Advised Vanity tour, the clown prince of pop himself ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic somehow also found the time to write a full-length parody album of “Electrified Brain” entitled “Perfect Refried Bean”…I mean, you gotta hand it to the guy, he never stops working!

Anyway, long story short, we got our hands on the wrong album. But, if you’re not one to bristle at spoilers, we listened to “Perfect Refried Bean” to let you know what each “Electrified Brain” track got parodied as. It was honestly a blast. Check it out:

Electrified Brain: “Perfect Refried Bean” is about one foodie’s quest to find the ideal refried bean.

Demoralizer: “The Floral Miser” is the tale of an Ebenezer Scrooge-like character who hoards pretty flowers.

Last Crawl: “Vast Haul” is a song detailing all the neat stuff a hoarder got at the flea market which included a ton of accordions.

Grave Dive: “Shave Drive” is about what it’s like being late for work and shaving on your commute.

The Bite: “The Wrights” is of course an educational song about pioneers of aviation.

High-Speed Steel: “I Breed Seals” is the saga of a strange man who runs an exotic animal farm.

Thermonuclear Protection: This one’s just the obligatory “Thermonuclear Protection Polka”

Blood Vessel / Boat Jail: “Mud Wrestle Coat Fail” is about a mud wrestler who forgets to take off their extremely expensive Gucci jacket beforehand.

Crank the Heat: “Hank Retreat” tells the story of a fantasy camp where men can live like Hank Hill for a week.

Restless and Wicked: “Zest-Lessened Sick Kid” is a somber tune about a sad child in a plastic bubble.

Ten Cent Beer Night: “Trenchant Ear Mite” is about a person in a Cyrano-type situation who gets witty lines fed to him by a bug in his ear.

Barreled Rage: “Chair Fold Rage,” you know how frustrating it is to deal with lawn chairs at the beach? That’s what Weird Al sings about here.

Putting on Errors: “Footing Drawn Terrors” is the terrible tale of a horror illustrator who secretly can’t draw feet.

Paranormal Janitor: “Where’s the Formal Dance, Centaur?” a fanciful song about a limo full of teens asking a half man/ half horse how to get to prom.

And there you have it. Pretty impressive, right? I mean, the guy’s been in the music business for forty years and he’s still coming up with interesting ways to make songs about things you can eat for lunch. I can’t imagine how honored the Municipal Waste guys must feel.

Score: 8/10 bars (as in either a parody of “stars,” or a reference to how MW likes to drink. Take your pick.)