EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — Local music snob Larson Cheek is extremely anxiety-ridden over the fact that nobody has taken anything from the box of free records he put out on the curb so far, according to many annoyed sources.
“I don’t understand it! I know for a fact there’s tons of top shelf stuff in there. Super rare mono garage 45s, limited-edition pressings, factory-sealed 180-gram stuff. My idiot neighbors are ignoring a treasure trove,” said a nerve-wracked Cheek, while wringing his hands and periodically glancing through the blinds. “I’ll be honest, I’ve even gone out a few times to add stuff I know is worth thousands. But STILL people amble on by it, shuffle through the records, and keep on strolling. It’s got me questioning my whole musical taste. Oh my god, do I…suck?”
Surrounding neighbors report an intense ill-will towards Cheek’s snobbery, which has resulted in an agreement to mess with him.
“That guy is such a dweeb. I’ve seen him go out and check to see if any of his stupid records have been taken, like it’s a badge of honor. I’ve walked by around six times acting like I’m considering taking one, just to toss it off to the side, and relish the muffled screams coming from his bay window,” snickered across-the-street neighbor Melanie Akins. “Even brought my dogs out to make him scared they might mark their territory on the box. The whole neighborhood’s joining in, and it’s actually been a wonderful bonding moment for the community.”
Decorated psychologist Dr. Wallace Graves explains that Cheek’s obsessive behavior is not uncommon in people of his ilk.
“It’s not only an obsession, but a compulsion in these hipsterish millennials who are defined by their media interests. They need you to respect their taste,” said Dr. Graves. “And when it’s called into question, in this case by ignoring what this young man thinks is great art, it can send one spiraling. My question is, why put something you enjoy out on the curb in the first place? Seems to me, that indicates it’s crap. But, hey, what do I know? I’m just a highly respected psychologist, not a Discogs admin.”
As of press time, Cheek was admitted to a psychiatric facility following a breakdown from witnessing a child take only the cardboard box from the curb to use for a diorama.