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Basement Crowd Murmurs Haughtily After Announcement That Role of Guitarist Will Be Played by Understudy Tonight

PEEKSKILL, N.Y — Audience members of last night’s Lurch Haus show were reportedly heard grumbling audibly at headlining band Xeroxer’s announcement that an understudy would be fulfilling the role of Guitarist, kerfuffled sources confirmed.

“When they made the announcement, I almost tore up my homemade program right then and there. I don’t pay extra for box seats to see some, if you’ll pardon the vernacular, no-name hamfist their way through Xeroxer’s set,” said Lurch Haus season ticket holder Isadore Brunchibald “Buttcrack” Van Fife. “I’m just relieved I left my opera glasses in the carriage, as I clearly won’t be needing them tonight. Nothing to see here, that’s for certain. I do say, it’s good we’re in a basement, as I can’t imagine this scene sinking any lower.”

Understudy Wreginald P. Snippsley reports feeling nervous at the idea of filling the shoes of Xeroxer’s star guitarist Frank Rumphert.

“I dare say, I was trembling with nerves since the moment I heard I’d be ‘trodding the linoleum’ in the stead of our beloved lead guitarist. But, if stardom t’wouldst ever perchance be within my grasp any night, than this…THIS surely would be that night,” grandstanded Snippsley, while sinisterly re-waxing his mustache. “Shame that Frank fell quite so ill, though. Ugh, and so suddenly, at that! I heard t’was a poisoned beer can that did him in…and they never caught the culprit, tsk tsk…Oh well, the show, as they say, must go on!”

Music historian Lila Pynes remarked that many famous musicians got their start by putting in grueling hours as understudies.

“It’s a lot more common than you think. I’m talking about big names, like Iggy Pop! Huge understudy success story,” said Pynes. “He would be wallowing in obscurity now if the Stooges’ original singer hadn’t gotten in that steamroller accident before their big first gig. Understudies are hungry. Their desire to perform can sometimes be deadly. All I’m saying is…maybe check that beercan for mustache wax fingerprints.”

After the performance, Snippsley was dismayed to hear booing as he came out for his curtain call, though many in attendance attest to simply booing the notion of a curtain call happening at a punk show at all.