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Son, There Comes a Time in Every Metalhead’s Life When They Must Start Sewing Patches on Their Vest Themselves

Listen, Barth…err I mean “Agramon,” your mother and I love you very much. We are both so proud of the kvlt metal staple you’ve become in your internet heavy metal community, but we both think it’s about time you take it upon yourself to start patching up your battle vest on your own.

Now don’t get us wrong, your mother and I have enjoyed taking virtually every weekend for the past 20 years to make sure your Dissection and Bathory patches are in prime, non-poser locations on your vest, but now that you’re 34 years old, we just think you’d benefit from taking pride in your own work for once.

And don’t go bothering gam-gam to sew for you, her orderlies have agreed to ignore any attempts of you reaching out to her.

Anyways, learning to use the sewing machine could be super fun! Plus, all of your metal idols patch up their own vests! You are well aware of the fact that Fenriz has fans in droves that would literally kill for a chance to patch up a battle vest for him. But you know what? He chooses to do it himself when he’s sober enough to do so because he knows that’s the only way trve metalheads do it. And don’t you want to be trve, son?

And Arga, we can’t sit here and deny the fact that your baby sister Sheila has done a killer, all-Iron Maiden patched vest and she’s just graduating middle school. Don’t take this as a jab towards you, son, but she’s sewing at an expert level in the 8th grade, while your mother and I are putting the finishing touches to your vest while you drink beer and play Skyrim all day.

I know it might be difficult to see the issue here, but you’re an adult, and it’s time to start sewing band patches on your vest in cub scout uniform fashion like one.