RICHMOND, Va. — House party attendee Davey Singleton can’t quite put his finger on why the two Wendy’s Baconators and seven beers he consumed in under fifteen minutes weren’t sitting right, recently cropdusted sources confirmed.
“Ueeegggghh FUCCKKKKK. For some weird reason my stomach feels like it’s about to explode. Normally this much carbonated liquid and low-grade meat don’t fuck me up this bad,” said Singleton. “The sixth beer did taste a little skunked, and the seventh was a Bud Ice someone stashed in the back of the crisper drawer in the ‘90s. Also, the Wendy’s drive-thru might have screwed with my food because I paid in all pennies. Either way, I really hope no one’s in the bathroom right now because I’m about to fire a rocket from the crypt.”
Acquaintance Rebekah Pope shared additional details of Singleton’s gastric episode.
“There’s a full bath on the second floor and then a much less private Pittsburgh potty in the basement where the band was playing. Maybe Davey had an emergency, or was worried that bounding up the stairs would release the Kraken, because he decided to drop a nuclear deuce basically in the middle of the venue. Gotta be really disheartening for a band to hear a man fighting for his life between songs,” said Pope. “No surprise this happened though. The guy eats like shit. I don’t think he’s had a vegetable since the Obama administration. I tried sneaking some bok choy into his cheesy gordita once but he spit it out like a dog finding a pill in peanut butter.”
Unorthodox and unlicensed nutritionist Marina Pruitt claimed there may be some benefits to Singleton’s “diet.”
“Most so-called doctors will tell you to avoid booze and any sandwich with a suffix such as ‘ator,’ ‘mania,’ or ‘supreme.’ But believe it or not, you can get all the nutritional value you need from beer alone,” explained Pruitt. “Think about it, you’ve got grains for carbs, water to keep you hydrated, and yeast, which contains essential amino acids. Then if you switch up your High Lifes for a fruity beer like Blue Moon, you get all kinds of vitamin C and shit. Sure, those beers are a little more expensive, but remember, your body is a temple.”
At press time, Singleton is currently recuperating after suffering from severe dehydration and explosive diarrhea, which he believes was caused by “preservatives and chemtrails or whatever.”