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Record Shop Releases Attack Dogs Whenever Customer Looks Up Discogs Prices In Store

PITTSBURGH — Owner of the Sound Spynners record shop Dale Randly once again released a pack of vicious dogs on shoppers who compared their prices to Discogs in order to potentially flip them for a profit, several chewed-up sources report.

“One would think that the price of feeding and all the responsibilities of keeping a pack of giant, blood-thirsty dogs would be burdensome, but whenever I see the look of terror in the eyes of would-be record flippers, it’s all worth it,” Randly explained while mopping up drops of blood in front of his store’s new arrivals section. “Sure, if you’re only looking up a price on Discogs or eBay to see if you can get a cheaper copy, by all means, go ahead! But just think to yourself, ‘what is my time worth?’ and ‘how good is my insurance anyway?’ Just be aware that once you hear those vicious barks, you’re basically toast already.”

David Grunwald was shopping at Sound Spynners when he dared to quickly glance at his phone after noticing all the rare punk records that had just come in the store.

“I was flipping through records and noticed an original pressing of The Exploited’s ‘Troops of Tomorrow’ for $45,” said Grunwald while being getting stitches and being treated for multiple fractures in his wrist. “I thought that seemed a little steep, so I pulled up Discogs and before the page even loaded I was ripped to the ground by angry dogs. I thought I was going to die right then and there. Thanks to my curiosity I’m spending all my cash on reconstructive ass surgery. From now on, I’m leaving my phone in the car when I go record shopping.”

Head of “Walden Security Services” Damarcus Walden gave a little insight into the unknown world of record store security.

“Believe it or not, these record shops are some of our biggest clients,” Walden said. “A lot of these owners just want to prevent customers from doing all the annoying shit customers at a record shop do. One of our top-of-the-line ejector seats, the ‘SendEm 2000,’ jettisons whoever is being too rough with the listening station’s stylus through the ceiling and basically into the stratosphere. You don’t want to know what I’ve done to people that intentionally put records in the wrong slots so they can come back for them later.”

At press time, Sound Spynners implemented a policy in which shoppers who touch vinyl with their greasy fingers will have said fingers met with a dull cigar cutter.