Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Suspects Girlfriend Faking Mushroom Peak

ABERDEEN, Wash. — Local psilocybin enthusiast Justin Reeves grew suspicious of his partner’s over-the-top reaction to peaking on psychedelic mushrooms, sources reported.

“I’ve seen better acting in local car commercials,” said Reeves, referring to the last time he tripped on mushrooms with his girlfriend, Denise Ashcroft. “There was so much ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ that people from neighboring campsites told us to keep it down. I didn’t think much of it when she complimented my hat even though I wasn’t wearing one, but when she started crying because she ‘heard an ant’s heartbeat,’ I knew I was dealing with an actress.”

When Reeves realized Ashcroft peaked in 45 minutes, a record in comparison to his previous two girlfriends who both took hours, he was particularly skeptical.

“Yeah I faked it,” said Ashcroft. “I figured the faster I pretended to peak the sooner it would be over with. I didn’t even eat the mushrooms. I pretended to chew them the way you fake chew in front of a baby who won’t eat their dinner and then put them in my pocket so I could take them alone later. I should feel bad, but it’s hard to feel anything but seething anger when your partner asks ‘are you peaking yet’ every six minutes while ‘Starship Troopers’ plays on repeat.”

There are many reasons women fake mushroom peaks, but unless your partner flat-out admits to it, it’s usually impossible to prove.

“No two peaks are going to look exactly alike,” said Steven Vetter, a self-described psychedelic researcher. “The movies will make you think that all couples peak at the same time, but that’s just Hollywood. In reality, many women find it easier to peak alone or even with a group of random strangers than with their own partner. Many of my clients have confided in me they’ve faked complete ego deaths, but reported the experience ‘still felt good’ even though they didn’t peak.”

At press time, Ashcroft was seen acquiescing to Reeves by pretending indica made her sleepy so she could roll on her side and stare at her phone.