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45 Minute Presentation About the Dangers of Wokeness to Open For Upcoming Disturbed Tour

CHICAGO — Long-running nu-metal band Disturbed surprised fans by announcing that the opener for their upcoming North America tour will be a 45 minute presentation about the “dangers of wokeness,” disheartened but unsurprised sources report.

“Our agent really wanted us to have a band open, but this is way more important,” said frontman David Draiman. “A lot of people threw their name in the hat to be our speaker, but none of their beliefs align 100% with mine, so I’ll be giving the presentation myself every night. I’m a freethinker who isn’t influenced by talking heads on the right or left. That being said, while I think both sides are bad, the woke left is most critical of things that I like, and I cannot keep quiet about the imminent danger they pose. I think the fans will get a lot out of it.”

Disturbed’s fanbase expressed mixed feelings about the announcement, and some have pointed out that this isn’t the first time Draiman has attempted to launch a speaking career during a live performance.

“He did basically the same thing when I saw them in 2018,” said fan Mark Carver while scrolling through his camera roll for video evidence. “Diesel Shot was supposed to open, but they were sick or something, so when I saw David come out on stage I was hoping Disturbed was going to play an extra long set. Then he just started talking about how much he loves the free market and hates Roger Waters, but then at one point he also said that he’s more liberal than conservative? It really killed my buzz. I always try to come early and support the opener, but I’ll be rolling up to this tour late.”

Former Trapt frontman Chris Taylor Brown was disappointed in the lineup change for different reasons.

“I’ve known the Disturbed guys for years, so when I heard they were going on tour I asked them if there was anything I could do, ‘cuz I’ve been out of work for a long time,” said Brown. “They said no, which, ok, fine, but then I found out that David is giving this little speech every night and it’s like, come on, I would have been perfect for that. Music didn’t work out for me, and he knows that I’ve been trying to launch my speaking career since Cameo ran dry. You find out who your true friends are, I guess.”

At press time, Draiman was aggressively emailing all thirty-nine news outlets he spoke to an unwanted advance copy of the presentation.