WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to counteract rumors of the President’s declining physical prowess, the Biden campaign is set to release an awe-inspiring martial arts video showcasing Joe Biden effortlessly taking down multiple aides without so much as touching them. Sources close to the campaign revealed that the video, shot in the style of a training video, features Biden harnessing the power of “decades of experience and training” to send aides flying across the room with just a stern look or a pointed finger, all while maintaining a calm and presidential demeanor.
The video, titled “Biden Fu: The Way of the Whisper,” has already garnered buzz among White House insiders. “It’s incredible. One moment, an aide is approaching him with a policy suggestion, and the next, they’re catapulted into a filing cabinet with just a subtle eyebrow raise from the President,” gushed one staffer. Critics, however, claim the video is just a distraction from pressing issues, but they too have mysteriously found themselves pinned against walls, unable to move, after underestimating the power of Biden’s silent but deadly martial arts.
As of press time, the President had not responded to a low level MMA fighter challenging him to a match.
He’s manipulative. He’s opportunistic. He’s a psychopathic charlatan and a hypocrite. Powell is a lot like my dad honestly, and only outranks him because he has tattoos.
At least if Henry was your dad it would all be over fast.
He hates his son because he accidentally killed his mother. At least he has a good reason for being crazy and hating his kid. The beef with my dad goes back to a television remote I broke in 1989. I was 4.
Pretty crappy to his son throughout the movie, but my own dad has scarred me more with a lot less electricity superpowers.
It took months of cold mountain isolation, alcohol withdrawal, and paranormal influence to get Jack to cave to his murderous impulses. For my dad, it took a screen door closing too loudly.
He would literally kill just to keep his grocery store open. Anyone that dedicated to workaholism is hiding from a pretty dysfunctional home life. Still, he’s a provider.
He’ll try to make you watch him kill people for sexual gratification, but he’ll never try to make you watch the New York Mets.
Okay, he kills people, but hey, he dresses up as Santa for Christmas! When we asked Dad to do it he said “only pedos do that.”
If there is a creature on this earth capable of being worse than a father can be, it’s a stepfather, but at least Jerry has the decency to sever ties with his secret past family before hitching up with yours. My dad took way too many “business trips” for a guy living off a disability scam.
Growing up my dad was pretty much constantly on the verge of murdering us all with a pair of hedge trimmers, and he damn sure wasn’t going to take us on a fun day at the lake first.
Leatherface is misunderstood. We all think of him as this wild skin wearing maniac, but the guy wears an apron. He has a methodical process. He’s a craftsman. He’s probably just looking to take someone under his wing and show them the ropes.
What’s scarier than the calls coming from inside the house? How about the calls not coming at all for huge lengths of time? Dad, did you really need 6 months and all the rent money to go get a 6 pack from the corner store?
Psycho 4 ends with Norman burning down the motel and declaring himself free and ready to settle down and start a family. He does have a track record of relapse, but there was never Psycho 5 so maybe he made it.
He’s slow to warm up, but once he murders you, scalps you, and uses your scalp and clothes to decorate a mannequin, he’s your best friend.
There’s no nightmare Freddy Krueger could throw my way scarier than that one I keep having about running into my dad at a race track and he’s not wearing any shoes. I dunno I can’t really describe it but it’s terrifying.
I would fully accept my dad’s serial killing if he at least had an appreciation for the arts.
My dad realistically would probably not lock himself in a theater to stalk and kill a troupe of young actors, but he would also never wear an owl mask for fun so, you know, give/take.
He has a descendant in the third one and he takes an interest in her life. It’s primarily an interest in convincing her to kill in his name, but it’s an interest.
Having lived life as a woman for 24 hours must have given him at least a higher level of insight than the man who explained to me that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
His methods are unorthodox and dangerous with a pretty low success rate, but at the end of the day, he wants you to learn a valuable life lesson, not get him another beer.
The scene where he yells at his mutant son for overpaying the hooker because he could have gotten him a cheaper hooker contains more familial warmth than any memory I have.
Through the years we’ve seen Lucy take on a number of roles. She’s a Harvard-educated doctor. She’s a pilot. She’s a gourmet chef. Why does her identity change so often? Her real name is Maxine Cornocova, and she’s on the FBI’s most-wanted list for casino fraud.
When Angelica was hard up for cash she sold everything she owned to make ends meet. When that wasn’t enough she had to choose between her prized persian cat, or her kneecaps. Fluffy was sold to a good home, but she never recovered from the betrayal.
You don’t suddenly fall in love with and move to America for Charles Finster without becoming persona non grata at every casino in Europe first.
From an early age Kimi was always a fearless sort who tended to lep before she looked. She’s lost it all on black more often than the average person has moved.
It turns out bingo can get pretty high stakes.
We’re of course referring to all of the actors in the Reptar suit. They all gamble and none of their lives are going great.
Ever wonder what brought Minka here from the old country to begin with? That’s right, gambling debts.
One look at an in-the-box Cynthia doll vs. Angelica’s and you can see this doll is no stranger to hard living.
The stresses of single fatherhood coupled with his innate timidness alway made Charles feel like he wasn’t the main character in his own life. Then, one night at a charity event, he discovered that he had a knack for poker. Winning made him feel big, like a real somebody. He has wasted tens of thousands of dollars chasing that high.
Susie’s singing talents took her all the way to Vegas where her lounge singing would bring her close to fame. Unfortunately her favorite song became the siren call of the slot machines. Before long she was hooked, staying up all hours of the night chasing jackpots and blowing off gigs.
We all know Betty is an avid sports fan. A little too avid. The telltale black eye her husband Howard gets every year when her team get eliminated from the playoffs implies there’s some serious money on the line.
Charlotte’s access to Mega Corp’s books helped her cover her massive gambling losses betting on women’s tennis matches for many years, but eventually the feds caught up with her.
Warn down from years of trying to out-maneuver Charlotte on the corporate ladder, Jonathan sought solace in the one thing that gave him a sense of control—blackjack.
Being a timid person in a relationship with a big personality like Betty can be stressful, so every few months to blow off steam Howard drives to the bad part of town and drops in on a back alley dice game to feel alive. He is usually robbed and beaten, but that’s become a part of it for him.
Didi’s favorite child psychologist sure has a lot of products under his belt. Books, videos, his own pay per minute hotline. With all of that money coming in it’s shocking that he still burns through it faster than he can make it. Lipschitz sufferers from a condition known as “Greyhound fever,” and it’s caused him to see the backside of a bookies hand on more than one occasion.
