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Opinion: Your House Isn’t Haunted, It’s Just a Piece of Shit

Well, that concludes our paranormal investigation of your turn-of-the-century Victorian farmhouse. After using numerous spirit-locating devices and other elaborate ghost-searching tools, we’re happy to conclude that your home is definitely not haunted. However, and perhaps more seriously, your house is just a real piece of shit. Nobody should want to live here, including the undead.

We want to assure you that our examination into the supernatural activity you claim to have witnessed was both professional and thorough. We did an exhaustive room-by-room check from top to bottom and found zero evidence of any ghouls, phantoms, demons, poltergeists, babadooks, or any other frightening entities from the pits of hell. What we did find was a structurally unsound dwelling literally sinking into the ground, a severe termite infestation, black mold so thick that it seemed to have a pulse, and most frightening of all knob and tube wiring. It appears the only entity with a death wish is you.

The smell of rotting flesh you complained about wasn’t due to any malevolent forces, but rather to the large piles of half-eaten take-out containers littering your entire main floor. And that weird thumping sound you heard at night wasn’t traced to any ethereal beings trying to send you a message from the great beyond, but could simply be attributed to the fact that your HVAC unit is old as all fuck. If there was a message you should receive, it would be to bulldoze this place as soon as possible before becomes a Superfund site.

Your real estate agent lied to you when they said this house has “good bones.” It doesn’t. It has shit bones and needs to be condemned immediately. I haven’t seen air quality this bad since I helped clear the rubble at Ground Zero.

Houses are like plants. The more love and attention you give them, the stronger they get. But when you start neglecting them, the toilets can easily start overflowing because of all the paper towels you somehow thought were a good idea to continually flush down for what seems like decades.

Look on the bright side, you can definitely make some cash renting this place out as a House of Horrors if you want to. Just make sure the guests sign waivers in case they get attacked by one of the many diseased possums living inside the walls.