You know you’re in a huge band when an iPhone autocorrects the spelling of your band name if it is unintentionally misspelled with an apostrophe before the “N.” Guns N’ Roses have BILLIONS, and not the show with Damian Lewis, Paul Giamatti, and Nelson Rockefeller, of public streams on Spotify alone. As of today, GNR is the 147th most popular artist on said platform. To put this in perspective, Fall Out Boy is #185 in the world, and they released an album this year, and Ignite isn’t even in the top 500, which is a crime against humanity. We ranked all six GNR studio albums below, and you are going to bitch till we’re in a coma:
6. G N’ R Lies (1988)
We don’t care if several members of Guns N’ Roses eventually defended a song on this LP after the fact, saying that it was misunderstood, racist and homophobic verbiage is NEVER ok, so this album HAD to be ranked last, and we don’t care if it has one of their ten best singles, “Patience.” Because we don’t have any “patience” (see what we did there?) for bigotry. There is a reason they left that song off future releases. Anyway, onto the fun stuff, which is unfortunately tainted with “Used to Love Her,” which is also offensive in a non-funny way, but way less so than “One in a Million,” “G N’ R Lies” is an album so wild that it includes the band’s initials in its name and that’s all we have to say about that.
Play it again: “Patience”
Skip it:
a) Diarrhea stain – “One in a Million”
b) Pissed jeans – “Used to Love Her”
5. “The Spaghetti Incident?” (1993)
Even though Guns N’ Roses’ fifth studio album “The Spaghetti Incident?” features a question mark in its title, unlike “G N’ R Lies,” there are few things questionable about this fun cover song LP except for its hidden Charles Manson song track, “Look at Your Game, Girl.” We’re quite curious as to what Quentin Tarantino, fan of both spaghetti westerns and writer/director of the underrated film “Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood,” featuring both a fictionalized and truthful account of Manson and the late-Sharon Tate, thinks about this record which features GNR interpretations of songs by The Skyliners and Johann Sebastian Bach’s son, Albie, who surprisingly is not related to the singer of Skid Row, Sebastian Bach Mozart Rachmaninoff Ludwig Ludacris Beethoven. You likely got this CD in a bargain bin, or through Columbia House’s penny priced mail-order music club, but it’s worth at least one thousand times that!
Play it again: “Since I Don’t Have You” by The Skyliners
Skip it: The hidden track that should’ve never been found, “Look at Your Game, Girl,” by sicko/wacko/douchecanoe/ass goblin, Charles Manson
4. Chinese Democracy (2008)
We most certainly know that much about this album’s creation, costs, long-ass history, and often polarizing lore have been publicly and privately maligned since the mid-to-late nineties, and we are not making any predictable low-hanging fruit jokes about the delay. If the entire world only knew how good “Chinese Democracy” is, there would be far better and informed witticisms, and far more streams/sales for this record. Thankfully the band, even though most of its members had nothing to do with this LP, still plays songs from it live, and even the I.R.S., and not Irwin R. Schyster, father of the late, great Bray Wyatt, likely needs to audit newfound royalties from this studio album, which is Guns N’ Roses’ last as of now. In closing, special shoutouts are warranted for Bumblefoot, Buckethead, and Buckcherry for their outstanding musically dense work here!
Play it again: “Chinese Democracy”
Skip it: “Riad N’ the Bedouins”
3. Use Your Illusion II (1991)
“Use Your Illusion II” is a fantastic, yet slightly worse sequel to its prequel “Use Your Illusion I,” but sadly just isn’t on the level of “Sister Act: Back in the Habit,” in that the Whoopi Goldberg, Lauryn Hill, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Carrot Top film had no filler whatsoever. None. As you know or now know, Guns N’ Roses is forever marred with controversy, so the overly vulgar, if that’s a thing, song, if it could be called that, as it is more of a diss track, “Get in the Ring” could’ve been nixed along with several others here. One wonders if this LP and “Use Your Illusion I” were both reduced by more than a few songs to just one LP simply called “Use Your Illusion About Numbers That Aren’t Written In Roman Numeral Form” if said record would’ve been ranked at number one here! Don’t cry, alternates!
Play it again: “Estranged”
Skip it: “Get in the Ring”
2. Use Your Illusion I (1991)
“Use Your Illusion II” may have a better opening song in “Civil War” than “Use Your Illusion I”’s “Right Next Door to Hell,” but I’s closer “Coma” is easily the best final album track in Guns N’ Roses’ catalog, and if we’re being honest, is in their top ten tracks. Said inclusion alone is enough to make I > II, but “November Rain” put this album in an even higher regard. Speaking of said song, and we don’t care if it’s uncool to say this, “November Rain” is the best GNR single, music video, song, and sonnet of the band’s career and don’t damn us for saying such. Like we alluded to before, there is some filler over the course of I and II, but in a form of the perfect crime, the former just had less spoiled/bad apples. Live. And. Let. Die. Don’t cry, originals!
Play it again: “November Rain”
Skip it: “Garden Of Eden”
1. Appetite for Destruction (1987)
Guns N’ Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” is one of the best rock albums from the 20th century, and has an insanely insane amount of mega-mega-mega-hit after hit after hit singles, and killer-killer-killer-death after death after death deep cuts, thus making it one of the best debut LPs ever… By far! Because of such, we are listing no “skip it” tracks here, but will personally shout out the OGNR five-piece: W. Axl Rose on lead vocals/whines, Slash on lead guitar/hat, Izzy Stradlin, who eventually quit the group four years later, on rhythm guitar/anger, Duff “Rose” McKagan on bass guitar/being tall, and Steven Adler on drums/other things, who was ousted in 1990. In closing, this album said a huge F.U. to other ‘80s peers who spent way more time utilizing hairspray than rocking out.
Play it again: Track 1-the end
Skip it: Being full from not breaking things
Blowjob Bear’s first credited role was a brief scene in Arthur Penn’s neo-noir crime film, “Bonnie and Clyde.” If you keep a close eye on the bank heist scene in Joplin, Missouri, you can clearly see BB blowing a customer waiting in line before the police arrive for a shootout.
Aficionados of Neil Simon comedies often consider Blowjob Bear’s supporting role as a frustrated neighbor whose blowjobs keep getting interrupted by Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon’s antics to be a highlight of the subgenre.
Reportedly, Blowjob Bear was briefly considered to replace Sean Connery as James Bond, but producer Albert R. Broccoli cast Australian George Lazenby after seeing him in a Fry’s Chocolate Cream ad. BB was given the minor role of a Blofeld henchman, “Blobear,” instead.
The Norman Jewison adaptation of the smash hit stage musical is known for its stripped-down, nearly abstract set design, but more for Blowjob Bear’s stirring, layered performance as Caiaphas, the high priest and chief giver of head.
Blowjob Bear later expressed his embarrassment at appearing in the cult science fiction Sean Connery vehicle, but by the end of his life, had begun to speak of the film with more fondness, particularly the blowjobs.
Steven Spielberg made his feature directorial debut with this true-life crime thriller, which starred Goldie Hawn as desperate mother Lou Jean Poplin and Blowjob Bear as a guy in a bear suit who performs oral sex on the ghosts of debauched hotel guests.
The on-set battles between star Dustin Hoffman and Blowjob Bear were legendary, but not as legendary as BB’s portrayal of a rival standup comedian whose set was exclusively about going down on people while dressed as an animal.
According to Jack Nicholson, he was so impressed by Blowjob Bear’s performance as Nurse Ratched that he personally recommended him to Stanley Kubrick for “The Shining.” Kubrick called it the “worst casting [he] had ever seen.”
Sylvester Stallone denies Blowjob Bear had any involvement in the Oscar-winning screenplay of “Rocky,” but most film historians believe BB’s one-scene cameo as a fellow boxer and fan of blowjobs was an appreciative gesture for his uncredited script doctoring.
It’s one of the greatest lines of dialogue in Hollywood history: “The Blowjob will be with you. Always.”
By 1978, Blowjob Bear had fallen on hard times, exacerbated by his worsening addictions to cocaine and increasingly elaborate bear costumes. Still, this is considered one of the better-acted movies of Porn’s Golden Age.
Many critics felt that Stallone’s first “Rocky” sequel lacked the grit and realism of the original, but no less a critic than the New York Times’ Janet Maslin said of the movie: “Damn, that bear can suck dick.”
Blowjob Bear was cast in “Caddyshack” as a favor to Chevy Chase’s coke dealer, who just wanted to get him out of his crotch for 15 goddamn minutes.
Blowjob Bear’s scene with Dudley Moore reportedly took over 40 takes, but when that waiter turns around, and you see that it’s a bear giving a guy a blowie in a crowded restaurant, it was worth it.
Why would Cynthia get a face tattoo? Can you even imagine what the neighbors would think? No, no, that face tattoo isn’t for her. She’s already confident that the star tattoo on her ankle tells the world that she used to be a pretty bad bitch, if she does say so herself.
This kid doesn’t even know what a beverage is and you think he’s going to manage to pick out “Only god can judge” or some other Obama quote to tattoo across his forehead?
As someone who has never been to New Jersey, I can confidently confirm Colleen Cavielo is the most New Jersey. With her baked Ziti, that accent, and I’m assuming mob boss husband, she fits exactly with my preconceived notions based on the single episode of “The Sopranos” I watched 18 years ago. Anyway, she can’t get a face tattoo. She needs to keep her head down while the feds are sniffing around.
This Patty Daddy is wild as hell. But Patty Daddy wild is getting face paint of a cat tangled in a ball of yarn. Mr. Frond just isn’t cool enough to go for a terrible face tattoo.
That’s a no. Speedo Guy only wears roller skates and a speedo, that’s it. He just isn’t about covering anything up and when it comes to tattoos he always says “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Cadillac.”
Having a face tattoo limits this guy’s ability to con people in different markets. But I can confidently say he’ll fake a face tattoo for his series on how to get out of jury duty, “Count of Courts.”
No middle school in 2012 would have been complete without a sea of Tina-branded “I’m a smart, strong, sensual woman” t-shirts. But you know who should have been pictured on that shirt? Marshmallow. Does that mean she’s getting a face tattoo? No. If she wanted a terrible face tattoo, she’d probably have it already.
Chloe is the worst. Here’s my impression of Chloe: “me me me. I’m so great. Eww, I’m not gonna get a face tattoo.” That’s what she sounds like. She’s only on this list because Rudy invited her.
As much as I want to say Tina would get a majestic, anatomically correct horse galloping across her face, I know deep in my heart that it probably won’t happen. Unless of course the writers finally green light my genius spec where Tina displays mood swings and a massive character change because of an undiagnosed tumor. Don’t worry—it’s more upbeat than it sounds, and includes a musical number sung by the tumor. Ball is in your court Fox.
Ron looks just like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers to me. Do you know what Sutherland’s occupation was in that movie? Health inspector. Coincidence? I don’t know, but I find it more likely that Ron would be replaced by an alien than have his face tattooed.
Courtney’s dad makes jingles, and we all know what that means: he’s in “The Industry.” With all the connections her dad has, this industry baby is destined to be a number one star in the musical jingle world. Her future certainly includes sex, drugs, and songs that’ll make Grocery Outlet Bargain Market look like some hack only put a brand name to music. However, industry babies rarely get face tattoos.
Do I want Mort to embrace the darker side of coroner life and get full Norwegian black metal makeup permanently tattooed on his face? Yes. But would he? Honestly, it doesn’t matter—he’d still be toward the bottom, because this is a list of terrible face tattoos, and I honestly think this would be pretty badass.
How is J-Ju going to differentiate himself in the competitive world of dance? If you thought face tattoo, you’d be wrong. It’s going to be the tiniest little hot pants. Why get a poorly drawn portrait of Patrick Swayze on your face when you have the raw sex appeal of those big, juicy mounds barely contained in some bright pink spandex?
I can’t believe it, but Miss Labonz might be a badass. She’s stealing coffee filters and probably other office supplies from the teacher’s lounge. She’s been caught smoking behind the school. Also, I’m convinced teaching was only supposed to be a day job until her band took off. But thirty years later her dreams have been dashed, and so is any hope of her having McGruff the Crime Dog flashing you from her face.
Do you know what teachers are paid? I don’t think Ms. Jacobson could even afford a tattoo. And my unemployed best friend has, like, eight. That’s how little teachers make. Plus, I don’t know if you’re aware, but Ms. Jacobson is ridiculously good looking. Like, wow.
I think we all know the only reason why the staph-infected mats at the Capoeira Center for Capoeira are still in use is because of the Fabio running it. Until Fabio shows up in some Tom of Finland meets discount tattoo parlor romance novel, Jairo probably has to maintain his current look.
The only way this guy is getting a face tattoo is if he’s going undercover. Which is pretty unlikely because, have you seen this guy? That’s like asking Larry King to pose as a high schooler. I don’t care how young your new wife is, you don’t look 17. Bosco is still going to look like a cop no matter how many veiny one-eyed snakes you put on his face.
While he’s definitely interested in making a statement that people won’t be able to look away from, his dad is totally going to cut him off if he finally gets that face tattoo of a butchered Ronald McDonald that’s says “would you like fries with that?”
Edith and Harold are pretty close-minded. So it’s unlikely they would ever try butt stuff. And you know what? They’re missing out on a whole portal of pleasures that the good lord gifted us. And if they aren’t even up for a little taint tickling, they’re probably not going for face tattoos.
Would Linda straight up get a face tattoo? No, probably not. But would Linda audition for a local theater production as a streetwise gang banger and get one of those “made to fade” tattoos of a Bazooka Joe on her face because she asked for a tattoo that “y’know, a gun guy” might get, but the artist heard “gum guy,” and find out six months later that for some people those tattoos actually don’t fade as much as one might hope? It’s not out of the question.
Mr. Ambrose is the librarian we all wish we’d had: a gossipy bitch that doesn’t give a fuck. Mr. Ambrose also practices witchcraft, and if you ask me, that puts him awfully close to going in for some tasteful Wicka symbols around the eyes, but ending up with large Will Ferrell Bewitched-inspired tattoo because the artist found out Mr. Ambrose had been talking shit.
A band’s first album sometimes is a peak version of said act, and in other instances it foreshadows what the group is going to become, in a good to some and meh to others way. “Sounding the Seventh Trumpet” is more of the latter than the former, but overall, it’s still quite strong. A lot of people thought that Avenged Sevenfold was in the Christian club populated by Underoath, Emery, and Sons of Abraham because of this collection of songs’ title, which comes from the Book of Revelation, but it couldn’t be further from the truth, as the band has been practicing Dudeism since the Coen Brothers’ “The Big Lebowski” came out. What’s rad about this is that the band doesn’t preach or proselytize, knowing that said darkness surrounding verbiage will be an epic of time wasted… Through thick and thin, this band has morals that may surprise you!
Alright, it’s feather ruffling time now, or possibly said birds perished because of the previous mention about 76 trombones. Despite this LP containing the band’s highest public number of streams title track, any record after the perfect and dreamy “Nightmare” likely would’ve been at least a disappointment. “Hail to the King” was not only produced by Mike Elizondo of 50 Cent, Twenty One Pilots, and Winger fame, but it’s also the first and last A7X record to feature drummer Arin Ilejay, who played the kit like a technically proficient badass till his departure just two years later. “Hail to the King,” like all Avenged Sevenfold records, is great, but the royal family may take issue with its title, and most certainly, Prince “We Want Privacy” Harry, Duke of Sussex, and Megan Markle, Duchess of “Suits,” will make a tell-all Netflix documentary about it.
It’s a killer move to open an album with an eight-minute plus track, and close it with one approaching sixteen minutes; much respect to the band’s sunny disposition in a simulation era world populated by Neil deGrasse Tyson, and a Roman Sky creating our heavenly father, hallowed be thy name, the angel to the land, a typical example or pattern of something, and the best or worst Summer Stock Stage. It sounds like Avenged Sevenfold listened to a lot of progressive rock/metal between “Hail to the King” and this studio album in the best way possible. Concept albums can fall flat, but “The Stage” truly rises vertically, and if we’re being completely honest, we’re just happy that this one exists. Sincerely. Also of note, in a surprising move to everyone but Bleeding Through, A7X covers Creed’s hit “Higher” to perfection and you need to listen to it right now.
“Life Is But A Dream…,” A7X’s only album containing an ellipsis, and second LP featuring former Bad Religion, Bad4Good, and Bad Company drummer Brooks Wackerman, is easily their most polarizing release, and possibly one of the more loved yet maligned and maligned yet loved records in the metal world since Megadeth’s live acoustic album “St. Anger”. It’s openly weird AF, and we wish that we were a fly on the wall for Jethro Christianson III’s backwoods Missouri solo album listening party wherein Jethro threw the mp3s of this record into a wall that was clad with SARS, sawdust, and asbestos. We’re all about this. For lack of a better word, dreamy psychedelic masterpiece, yet we’re scared to try 5-MeO-DMT or 4-NotMeP-LOL like da boys in da band. Also, Avenged Sevenfold’s vocalist/frontman/svengal/bouncer M. Shadows publicly acknowledged that this album isn’t for everyone, but it may be for Y-O-U!
We know that you’re metaphorically going to burn us down and feel betrayed by this non-bronze, silver, or gold medal album ranking, spouting drivel that A7X’s major label debut should’ve been at the very least in the top three or two here, but the wicked strength of the world gives us permission to blind your faulty senses in chains, and eventually trash and scatter your newfound ashes all across your personal city of good, thus making our private country sponsored by evil. The boys look like they work out a lot in each of the music videos for this album’s singles. While the first single from “City of Evil,” “Burn It Down,” essentially didn’t, TRL played the hell out of its follow-up, “Bat Country,” which puts the Bat in “Bateaux,” and the five-piece earned enough royalties from this song/album to procure their own boats.
Sophomore slump? More like a second heartbeat, amirite! Anyway, Avenged Sevenfold’s breakout album “Waking The Fallen” introduced beginner, intermediate, and annoyed passerby guitarists at Guitar Center to the band, and deservedly so… The main riff is a radiant eclipse that could truly wake the fallen from eternal rest, and then you will see the ones that fell so graciously tonight twice whilst all things will begin, end, begin again, and eventually end! We know, like every ranking piece we do, our opinion is so, so wrong, and this album should so, so be number one, regardless of the fact that you don’t know what the hell a remenission is, and are a huge freaking poser… So, so much posing/posturing/positivism/postmodernism here! This record also has the distinction of being the last A7X release with “bleghs,” ogre noises, and “grrrs,” displeasing ardent idiots, and pleasing vocal coaches.
Self-titled albums could go any way under the sun, and self-produced efforts could fall any way below the earth’s core. It’s almost easy to rag on “Avenged Sevenfold” and the literal Avenged Sevenfold, but your hilarious comments are lost before they are found… This LP was apparently inspired by Disturbed’s set at Ozzfest, and that is not a joke! We would find ourselves scarfing at a little piece of heaven if you gave this succinct and fun record a chance, as it is ten tracks that inspire a confluence of emotions in the best way. Also, “Afterlife” is their best single, and “A Little Piece Of Heaven” is the band’s most grandiose and awesomest Tim Burton-inspired song that never got a chance for soundtrack placement and is way too #$%^ vulgar for a PG-13 rating, but not creepy enough for an NC-17 one like Elizabeth Berkley’s brilliant opus, “Showgirls”.
Before we get to the sad stuff, we have to shout out three current members of A7X that haven’t been mentioned yet here: Rhythm guitarist who can also masterfully play lead guitar, Zacky Vengeance, lead guitarist who is also an underrated singer, Synyster Gates, and badass bassist Johnny Christ. “Nightmare,” Avenged Sevenfold’s fifth/most superior album, is the first in their catalog without longtime drummer Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan, who passed away in late-2009. However, the drum parts he wrote were executed flawlessly by former Dream Theater, and eventually former A7X drummer Mike Portnoy, who is a proud Long Beach High School alum on Long Island, New York, but we digress. In addition, The Rev’s vocal takes are featured on “Nightmare” as a loving and powerful tribute. In closing, “Save Me” is the best Avenged Sevenfold tune, and we will take that to the streets!
