RICHMOND, Va. — Self-proclaimed alpha male Tom Harrington was left fighting for his life in the ICU after accidentally touching an unopened box of tampons, flabbergasted doctors reported.
“I made my girlfriend get groceries for me because pushing shopping carts is for women and cucks. I just wanted to grab the dinosaur nuggies out of the bag, and I realized too late that I’d brushed my hand against a brand new Tampax box. How could she betray me by bringing such a disgusting feminine thing in my house? Oh God, it still burns!” said Harrington meekly through a ventilator. “I could feel myself getting weaker by the second, and after consulting several Andrew Tate videos I realized I was suffering from acute toxic beta shock. This is worse than the time I accidentally watched the ‘Barbie’ trailer.”
Harrington’s girlfriend was at a loss that something so innocuous would trigger such an extreme reaction.
“He literally crawled into the living room bawling and comparing his pain to childbirth when just two days ago he completely dismissed my period cramps. His reaction was so beyond insane, it feels like this is some sort of elaborate prank with bonus gaslighting. And for someone who is allegedly dying, he sure was adamant we not take my car to the ER because he thinks only pussies drive Honda Civics,” said Emily Trent. “And yes, I am absolutely breaking up with him in the next hour. It’s mindblowing he’d be so emasculated being in the presence of an unused tampon but won’t bat an eyelash over the fact he has a catheter shoved up his pee hole.”
Trauma ward doctors were confounded at how someone who posited themselves as a “real man” could exhibit such debilitating symptoms.
“It’s an epidemic really, the number of men whose psyches are so fragile that their bodies will literally shut down if they come into contact with anything feminine. We believe this a psychosomatic affliction that we’re calling Alpha Squib Syndrome, or ASS. Just the other day we had a patient exhibiting the symptoms of a brain parasite after inadvertently reading a poem,” said Dr. Michael Bauman. “We’ve attempted to discharge Mr. Harrington but he has insisted we keep running tests to ensure he doesn’t turn into a liberal. ASS, indeed.”
As of press time, Harrington’s doctors attempted an experimental treatment consisting of medically inducing a coma and then locking the door behind them.