ATLANTA — The popularity of Home Depot’s “12-Foot-Tall Skeleton” reached a fever pitch this year, and employees of the megastore chain were instructed to start murdering all all twelve feet tall people they see in order to harvest their bones, sources confirmed.
“We were faced with an economic crisis: the cost of the plastic and materials to make the 12-foot tall Skeleton just wasn’t viable,” said Ted Decker, president and CEO of The Home Depot. “After weeks of researching, we came to the conclusion that just straight up killing people and using their skeletons would be monumentally cheaper, and fall into line with our corporate values of putting money over innocent souls. Our biggest hurdle is finding anyone tall enough to qualify, so we’ve resorted to murdering anyone we deem to have ‘thick bones’ and we will assemble the pieces out back to make it work.”
This new policy does not just pertain to the 12-foot skeletons, but going forward every skeleton that Home Depot stocks will be obtained by humanely slaughtering anyone they can get their hands on.
“Most people decorating for Halloween love to go over the top with the giant skeletons and now have a surplus of the smaller skeletons. We have more bones than we know what to do with. Half my day is spent fending off coyotes trying to steal our inventory,” said Lou Peterson, a 20-year Home Depot employee and store manager. “But it’s also because with this new policy, the smaller, child-sized skeletons are much easier to obtain than their older, stronger skeleton counterparts if you catch my drift.”
“…My drift is that killing children is easy,” Peterson added after a brief pause.
Recent statistics show violent crime is up by a drastic rate anywhere within five miles of a Home Depot.
“When Home Depot decided to start killing people for skeletons, we realized we would need to do the same if we wanted to stay in business,” said Jack Willoughby, owner of ‘Jack’s Skeleton Emporium’. “I’m pretty sure that what I’ve done to keep the store stocked can be classified as a war crime. I can’t sleep at night without being haunted by the skeletons I’ve stocked, but at least every middle-class quirky adult can now proudly spend $300 on a lawn ornament their neighbors already have.”
Due to the increased supply and demand during this Halloween season, Home Depot announced an expanded line of novelty skeletons including dogs, cats, rabbits, and recently deceased loved ones.