Halloween: just one of many holidays that, upon reaching adulthood, is little more than an excuse to get absolutely shitfuck wasted without being judged as an alcoholic. But with this one, you also get to be reprehensibly sloshed while dressed as sexy Raggedy Ann and having eaten nothing all day but fun-size bags of Sour Patch Kids. As such, the Halloween pub crawl has become a vomit-slathered institution of the season, and we here at the Hard Times have broken down exactly how every spooktastic bar-hopping adventure turns out. Here is our definitive timeline of every Halloween pub crawl.
5:00 p.m.: The crawl begins
Well, this is only when the crawl begins in a technical sense. It’s the time that was used for the Facebook invite to have everyone meet up at your one responsible friend’s house before setting off to your first watering hole of the evening. Unfortunately, all your other friends are deluded assholes with no concept of time. Eventually you’re gonna just send anyone not there a passive-aggressive text and be on your way.
5:58 p.m.: Arrive at first location
This is your old familiar. Your neighborhood clubhouse. Where everybody knows your name and only three of them hate you. Naturally, you’re going to start the crawl here before you start progressively ruining your life over the course of the night.
6:06 p.m.: First round of Jager Bombs
They taste the way dropping out of community college feels.
7:23 p.m.: Everyone you invited from work leaves
You only invited them out of obligation and you can tell they didn’t want to be there to begin with. Frank from accounting said his costume was “man wearing shirt” and Phyliss, the elderly receptionist, very truly believes this is a celebration of witchcraft. So long, party poopers! It’s time for things to get weird.
7:52 p.m.: Arrive at second location
This is usually an upper-scale Irish pub kinda place that put in near-zero effort to decorate for Halloween but is still gonna charge $11 for a pint of Guinness because it’s “an event night.”
8:20 p.m.: Second round of Jager Bombs
When you look back on this evening tomorrow, in between intermittent bouts of vomiting while still wearing your knockoff Beetlejuice costume, you will likely see this as the high point of the night. Let that sad fact sink in for a minute.
8:45 p.m.: Friend with shittiest music taste decides to take over the jukebox
This is unavoidable even on non-Halloween bar nights. So partly for your own self-preservation, and also to teach your friend a lesson about staying in their lane, wait until they’ve queued up fifty bucks worth of “Monster Mash” and haunted house sound effects before ditching them and heading on to your next bar.
9:19 p.m.: Arrive at third location
This is the party bar. You won’t be able to hear a word anyone says to you over the shitty EDM that’s going to be blaring and the candy bowl on the bar is just a temporary replacement for their usual bowl of novelty condoms. You’ve made a huge mistake.
9:46 p.m.: Third round of Jager Bombs
It’s at this point that the cohesion of the crawl will rapidly begin to deteriorate. Pieces of costumes will be accidentally discarded. Weaker members of the group will begin to “Irish goodbye” into the night. And your bartenders’ attitude will shift from tolerant amusement to stoic confrontationalism. This is the beginning of the end.
10:01 p.m.: Some guy dressed as Joker hits on everyone’s girlfriend
He definitely wasn’t there when the crawl started and no one can really pin down exactly how it is you know him. But the way he’s wringing his hands together suggestively while staring literally at all of the breasts indicates he truly does wanna watch the world burn.
10:22 p.m.: Cocaine!!!
11:49 p.m.: Arrive at fourth location
This place was not on the agenda. But someone at the last bar said it sounded cool and every member of your crawl is hammered beyond giving a fuck.
12:27 a.m.: Fistfight with competing Halloween-themed bar crawl
They’re definitely tougher than you. And they had the forethought to coordinate a group costume, so it’s gonna look like you’re fighting one of those gangs from “The Warriors.” But you’re already all full of Jager and blow and the pride of the crawl is at stake. Swing away you drunken goons!
1:18 a.m.: Derek gets arrested
Sigh. There’s always a Derek.
1:58 a.m.: Arrive at fifth location
You aren’t even sure if this one is an actual bar – it might just be some guy’s yard. If it is a bar though, you’re gonna walk in two minutes before close and get denied service. Unless this is a 4 a.m. bar, in which case the bartender is immediately going to see what a drunken gaggle of half-costumed jerkasses you are, lie to you that it’s actually a 2 a.m. bar and deny you service anyway.
2:09 a.m.: Pass out in UberXL
When you wake up tomorrow afternoon, be sure to tip this driver very well – because they’re the one who dragged you inside your apartment even after you tried to pee in their cupholder. Hope you enjoyed the crawl! Only 54 more days until you get to do this again on Christmas!