15. The Others (2001)
If it turns out I’ve actually been dead this whole time it would kind of take a lot of problems off my plate at least.
14. House (1985)
The house in “House” is more spooky than actually scary. My living room has been taken over by a pregnant raccoon who may or may not have rabies, let me tell you something about scary.
13. I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016)
Nothing pretty lives here. I can’t even get anything pretty to cross the threshold after a few drinks to Netflix and chill, they won’t even get out of the Uber. And they don’t try to make up an excuse like “Oh my sister is in the hospital.” They just point at me and say “gross.”
12. Demon Wind (1990)
I would take a demon wind over the mysterious fog that wafts into my home every morning from the textile plant down the block. I don’t know what it is, but I wake up with a bloody nose every morning and I think it’s starting to affect the speech center of my tuna trombone.
11. The Conjuring (2013)
Sure in real life the Warrens were con artists but they made sure everyone involved in their pack of lies benefited. If only Landlord Jim had the same sense of honor among thieves.
10. The Changeling (1980)
The ghost in this one leaves you alone once you solve the bizarre mystery he’s nudging you towards. There’s no mystery to solve at my place, every unspeakable thing that’s happened here has left behind clear-as-day tangible evidence. For all I know the meth lab in the basement still works.
9. The Innkeepers (2011)
The ghosts mostly keep to themselves, and I kind of prefer the classic New England colonial style to my current “place Tom Waits writes songs about” aesthetic.
8. Poltergeist (1982)
This house is scary because it was built over native burial land? Big deal. I’ve caught the mob dragging 5 bodies into my yard since I’ve moved in. They keep forgetting it’s not abandoned.
7. Insidious (2010)
If my apartment were pg-13 I would rest a lot easier but no, this place is unrated at best and I am going to die here horrifically I just know it.
6. 13 Ghosts (1960)
I would love my apartment 1,000 times more if I needed a special pair of glasses to see the horror that lay within it.
5. Monster House (2006)
If my apartment were alive, perhaps I could communicate with it. This place has to be just as fed up with Landlord Jim’s neglect as I am!
4. The Black Phone (2022)
Are you kidding me?! The ghosts in this movie are nothing but helpful! They have all kinds of tips and tricks and hacks to share, and they want you to succeed. Most of the ghosts at my place died of heroin overdoses and they pretty much just tell me to get heroin. I don’t even see how that helps them!
3. Beetlejuice (1988)
As long as you know how to be a good roommate, there’s no issue with living in the house from Beetlejuice. Keep communal spaces clean, respect boundaries, and no weird Tim Burton mom-art. Can do.
2. Burnt Offerings (1976)
It’s a house that fixes itself! Sure it does so by driving you insane and draining your life force to sustain itself, but my current apartment is already doing that and everything is still broken and shitty!
1. House (1977)
It would be like living in a Saturday morning cartoon! And sure, everything is trying to kill you, but in a fun, campy way!
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