Halloween is almost here and that doesn’t mean a damn thing to me, because every moment in my rundown slum of an apartment is a waking nightmare.
I swear I’m just about ready to kill Landlord Jim, my negligent exploitative corporate shill property manager, who actually insists on being called “Landlord Jim.” The only thing stopping me is the fact that for going on 4 months now I can’t get him to step foot in this place to address a single one of the many, many issues that could cause my apartment to go up like a pile of tinder at any second.
At this point, I think I would be better off living in a haunted house from a horror movie. I don’t know anyone who’s been killed by a ghost. Black mold killed my uncle and two dudes I went to school with, I’ll take my chances. I did a little browsing on IMDB and compiled the top 30 prospects that have to be better than living in this dump.
30. The Grudge (2004)
Well, okay, no, I would not trade up for the house from “The Grudge,” ya got me there. Ghost kids are a hard limit. They are at best annoying and at worst the most terrifying thing you can possibly imagine.
29. Paranormal Activity (2007)
I could deal with 24-hour surveillance, being dragged out of bed and possessed by demonic entities, I could even deal with all of my Ouija boards catching fire, but I could never live with a dude as annoying as Micah. Katie, you may be a conduit for unearthly evil, but you can do better.
28. 1408 (2007)
That’s right, “The Shining” isn’t the only Stephen King adaptation about a haunted hotel. The twist is that this time, the movie sucks absolute balls. Still, it’s probably better than living in this shithole. You don’t need to be a professional debunker to dispel the myth that this building is up to code.
27. Hellhouse LLC (2015)
In this movie, a haunted house builder ignores increasingly ominous signs that the hotel he’s setting up shop in houses a malignant entity. Sort of reminds me of the blinders I put on signing my lease. “Hmmm, are those rodent droppings on the floor? Nah, couldn’t be, there’s too much of it everywhere!” Still, the Hellhouse crew has a few hours of fun before all hell breaks loose, which is more than I’ve ever had in this apartment.
26. The Amityville Horror (1979)
The rent is surprisingly cheap. And I don’t even have a sister so there wouldn’t be any of those creepy shenanigans from part 2 going on. Besides, a demonic voice telling me to “Get out” from time to time is better than just having that voice in my head 24/7.
25. The Legend of Hell House (1973)
You get paid by an eccentric millionaire to live at the Belasco House, a goddamn mansion mind you, provided that you try and discover proof of the afterlife. Let’s compare that to my place where I’m shilling out $1050 a month with nothing included to live in a broken-down roach trap that has scarred off three roommates in half a year without a single supernatural incident.
24. The Evil Dead (1981)
Yeah, things didn’t work out so great for Ash and his friends, but all you need to do to enjoy your stay at the Evil Dead cabin is avoid reading from The Necronomicon. To enjoy my stay in this place, I need to avoid reading the service date on the furnace, the replacement dates on the carbon monoxide detectors, signs of criminal activity from previous tenants, signs of criminal activity from my current neighbors, signs of various pest infestation, any article about black mold, lead paint or asbestos, any social media post from friends who own their own homes, and a lease I must have signed in a fugue state.
23. The Woman in Black (2012)
They didn’t really have electricity or running water back then, but I barely have those things now. The water is brown every other day and the lights go out every few hours, which according to Landlord Jim is “probably because of something you did.”
22. Spookies (1986)
What a delightful mess of a movie. The house in “Spookies” is basically a nonsense parade of every conceivable horror, including basement fart monsters. I’d still rather deal with them than the constant war with my septic tank.
21. The Shining (1980)
It seems like if you’re living at The Overlook Hotel and you don’t have a family to murder, you’re just partying with a bunch of ghosts the whole time! I’ve done worse than blowjob bear.
20. The House By the Cemetery (1981)
I would honestly rather live in any Fulci movie than my current apartment because at least that way I would have no idea what’s going on. Here, I am too aware. The one thing my apartment is great at is acoustic resonance. Every roach, every rodent scamper, every mysterious creak and violent argument next door, I have to contend with all of them every night and sleep an average of an hour and a half.
19. The Uninvited (1944)
This movie is credited with being one of the first in the genre to explicitly make it clear that the strange happenings were supernatural in nature. Meanwhile, I’m stuck here still wondering if Landlord Jim is real or a figment of my imagination. A real person wouldn’t yell at me for saying there’s no hot water, right?
18. Sinister (2012)
Dude found one cursed tape from a previous tenant, big deal. I’ve found suicide notes, bondage gear, syringes, a fucking gun, and a human femur. That was all just in one closet.
17. House on Haunted Hill (1959)
I would rather deal with Vincent Price at his absolute “Masque of Red Death” worst than my sociopath class traitor scumbag landlord on the best day of his shitty empty life.
16. The Haunting (1963)
Pretty sure all the scary activity in this house turns out to be in one lady’s head. If only. Last week my neighbor tried setting his dog on fire, then when the cops came he tried blaming me.
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