Metalhead Attorney Cites Roth v. Hagar

Posted on February 21, 2021 by Chuck Kowalski

PITTSBURGH — Local attorney and hair metal fanatic Rourke Caldwell asked a jury this morning to consider the “landmark case of Roth v. Hagar” when ruling on his defendant’s alleged arson charges, court records show.

“We are guided by momentous decisions of the past like Rhoads v. Wylde, Ozzy v. Dio, and, most importantly, Roth v. Hagar,” Caldwell told the jury while playing air guitar. “Can we truly call ourselves a society governed by the rule of law when ‘5150’ can be mentioned in the same breath as the kick-ass, far superior, Roth-fronted ‘1984?’ If so, ladies and gentlemen, then may the blood of shitty ballads stain your hands forever… oh, and my client’s blood, too.”

Caldwell’s client Shawn Bollinger took exception to his counsel’s strategy.

“I was fine, even encouraged, when [Caldwell] showed up with a Dokken cutoff under his suit jacket,” Bollinger said after being found in contempt for celebrating a sustained objection with the devil horns hand gesture. “I can’t believe I entrusted my future to somebody who supports the reckless, undisciplined antics of David Lee Roth over the refined professionalism and musicianship of Sammy Hagar. I swear to Christ, if I hear him even mention Gary Cherone I’ll demand to represent myself.”

One juror, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, recounted the “bizarre nature” of proceedings so far.

“I was already floored that the judge permitted 31 hours of vinyl to be submitted as evidence to build foundation,” the juror revealed with ‘Why Can’t This Be Love’ blaring in the background. “Now we’re sequestered until we agree if it’s valid to compare the synth-heavy pop tracks that defined the Hagar era with the guitar-driven hits of the Roth era? I have a job to get to — clearly the leather ‘Judas Priest’ wallet found at the scene of the crime was the defendant’s. Can’t we just find him guilty and be on our way?”

Records also show that Caldwell and Bollinger nearly came to blows in the courtroom after Bollinger called his laywer an “incompetent corporate shill” for preferring Megadeth’s “Countdown to Extinction” over “Rust in Peace.”

Have You Watched ‘The Shield’ Yet?

Posted on February 21, 2021 by Dan Luberto

Hey bud how’s it going? I’ll give the phone back to your mother in a second just wanted to say hi. Hey. Have you gotten around to watching “The Shield” yet? Remember I told you about it last week.

It’s really a great show. Like a good quality show like The Sopranos or The Mad Men.

The cool thing is it’s not even on HBO or any of the pay channels it’s just on your regular tv, you can just watch it. I’ve been watching an episode every night after your mother falls asleep. It’s on every night I think on FX or is it FXX. Maybe it’s TNT. It’s on at 9:00. Are you usually home around that time?

It’s about cops, you gotta see it!

TNT has some good stuff too. I think they even have an app. They have movies on there too, you know, movies that were just in theaters. I saw that Batman movie the other day with Superman in it. That’s pretty new, I’m telling you TNT has some god stuff.

Anyway yeah ‘The Shield.’ It’s about this cop and it’s real gritty like ‘The Walking Dead.’ Sometimes I’m watching it and I can’t believe it! It’s really just a well-done show.

Have you seen The Walking Dead?

Your mother doesn’t like it cause it’s a little violent but you know her, she can be a little uptight with that kind of stuff. But I’m telling you you’d really like it! I know you like action and horror movies. You gotta check out The Shield.

Michael Chiklis is in it!

I’m telling you you gotta see this thing. It’s funny cause I just came across it when I was flipping during the commercials when I was watching the NFL Postgame Live and I got totally sucked in. I kept telling your mom to come down cause she doesn’t like to watch sports but she just doesn’t get it. I told her “look this is a good show right here, these cops on this show know what they’re doing.” She don’t care. I think the guy that made it was a real cop. Maybe he still is?

That’s something aint it? Imagine that just having a job and making it a TV show. Hey, I should make a show about managing an electrical supply facility. We do see some characters in there. Maybe you can help me make that a show, you and your friends are creative like that. Let’s you and me and your friends get together and make a show about the moral ambiguity of managing an electrical supply facility.

Probably make some good money, right?

Really you gotta check out “The Shield.” It’s good stuff. You can probably find it online somewhere like Netflix. I think they have DVDs you can get that too.

I think it’s on TNT.

Friends Assume Musician Made Living from Music Before Pandemic

Posted on February 21, 2021 by Tom Peters

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local musician Wes Feltus is allegedly receiving ill-placed sympathy from friends who assume his income came from playing music until the COVID-19 pandemic halted live performances across the country, well-meaning sources confirmed.

“I don’t have the heart to tell my normie friends that my financial situation hasn’t really changed much since everything shut down,” said Feltus, who works part-time as an in-store grocery shopper. “They never really came to see me play, so I think they assume other people did. If anything, I’ve actually saved money not playing out-of-town shows where I spend more than I make at the bar and end up springing for a motel room. But it seems to make people feel better when they reach out, so I just go with it.”

“It’s always been my goal to support myself with my art,” Feltus added, “so the fact that people think I do is kind of the next best thing.”

Unfortunately, friends of Feltus grossly overestimated the economic hardship of who they assume to be a working musician.

“I can’t imagine what it’s like to have the rug pulled out from under you like that and lose your whole livelihood overnight,” said former classmate Dae Jeong. “I try to check in on him when I can, and occasionally I’ll drop off some soup or a casserole. I even listened to some of his music. It wasn’t my thing, but I left it playing on Spotify with the volume down, just so he’d have a few extra bucks in his pocket.”

Stanford University economist Robert Wagonthrall explained how the valuation of bands by their non-musical friend groups is often divorced from real-world financials.

“It’s not uncommon for a local band’s perceived worth to exceed their actual economic performance,” Wagonthrall said. “In fact, an IG-savvy frontperson or an attractive T-shirt design can help a band generate tens of dollars in crowdfunding revenue without ever producing a single piece of music. That’s why I’ve always been a proponent of more reliable musical investments that don’t depreciate in value over time, like gold-tipped guitar cables or drink tickets.”

At press time, Feltus was still waiting for friends to join his Zoom meeting for the virtual show they had suggested.

Vlogger Parents Looking Forward to Streaming Child Unboxing

Posted on February 20, 2021 by Kevin Grant

LOS ANGELES — Kayleigh Jones, 23, better known by her YouTube alias M0therKnowsBest, has publicly announced her decision to livestream the unboxing of her first child.

“It was a difficult decision,” said Jones in an interview, “but I believe this is a fantastic opportunity for community-building among my subscribers. It’s not every day that I get my hands on such a dynamic product, so I want to use it to build engagement with my audience and demonstrate empathy for and with my viewers.”

Jones started with an ASMR channel in 2017 to mild success. Sick of eating celery seven days a week, she made the pivot to unboxing various tech products, toys, shoes, and soon, a human being. She saw rapid channel growth since the announcement eight months ago.

Her husband Dan Jones, 38, plans to man the camera during the stream.

“We’ve got a top-of-the-line camera,” said her husband. “Like, we paid nearly three hundred dollars for this guy on eBay. I bought a boom mic, too, and we’re just gonna, y’know, get this bad boy up in there. Delilah’s planning to get a tattoo right across her thighs with her OnlyFans on it, and we want to make sure to get that in 4k.”

Kayleigh rejected claims that her actions were “exploitative” and “cynical.”

“I’m a proud soon-to-be parent,” Jones said in her defense. “This is the most important moment of my life. It’s all I’ve ever dreamt of. I’ve been waiting for years for a moment like this—the highlight reel alone is absolutely going to get us that gold play button.”

When asked about their plans for their future child, Kayleigh said she was hoping to break into the Trending tab by the baby’s first birthday.

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Family Guy Celebrates 20th Season as Background Noise

Posted on February 20, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — The hit animated sitcom “Family Guy” is celebrating 20 seasons this year as America’s top choice for something to have on in the background while they scroll their phone or do the dishes or whatever.

“We’re really excited to continue marketing to the key ‘force of habit’ demographic for a nearly unprecedented 20th season,” noted creator Seth MacFarlane. “Our longtime fans who will continue to only occasionally glance up from their computers or phones every so often can look forward to being disappointed all over again that they fought so hard to bring this show back. Whether they’re laughing at the occasional brilliant or biting satirical take, or groaning at our lazy, lowbrow, punch-down jokes, they can at least remember how this show used to be well-written and subversive while arranging anonymous hookups on Grindr.”

“Family Guy” producers directly thanked their core audience of insomniacs, telecommuters, stoners, doomscrollers, and people with ADHD.

“It’s honestly the perfect show to have on since I started working from home,” said longtime “fan” Alexa Chandler. “The stories never really require me to pay much attention, and most of the jokes have nothing to do with the plot, so I’m able to stay pretty productive while getting the gist of what’s going on. Besides, the best bits are either the cutaways or when Stewie and Brian are bantering, so I can just tune in for those.”

TV critic Eric Thune of the AV Club agreed regarding the once-kind-of-groundbreaking show.

“Oh, yeah. I guess I used to review that show,” remarked Thune. “I’m not actually sure if we even still do reviews of that one. To be honest, I usually had a template noting the occasional funny joke or two, then I’d add a comment on some of the more questionable jokes, criticize the weak storyline, and give it a C. I think we just had an intern tweak it as needed.”

As part of the acknowledgements, MacFarlane thanked fans of “Family Guy” lead-in “Bob’s Burgers” for leaving their TV on once their show is over.

Bikini Model Has No Idea Why She Can’t Make Friends With Strangers on Facebook

Posted on February 20, 2021 by Ryan Danley

DORAL, Fla. — Professional swimwear model and University of Miami co-ed Sarah Nguyen has sadly found her countless attempts at friend-requesting new and interesting people across all social media platforms nearly impossible, for reasons she admitted she cannot comprehend.

“After this difficult year with no interaction with anyone, I figured Facebook would be a great way to meet some new people, so I took some cool shots of a new bikini I’ve been modeling and put a link to my model website on my profile. I sent out a few hundred friend requests, and the only people who accepted already have a ton of bikini model friends,” said Nguyen. “I saw a guy who sold insurance in Nebraska — I don’t know anything about insurance, and he looked like he didn’t know anything about swimwear, and I thought we could teach each other. But he reported my account immediately. For a simple friend request?”

“How’s a 5’9,” slender, 21-year-old thong model supposed to network these days?” she added.

Nguyen’s mother, Cindy, sympathized.

“I feel really bad for her — she’s always been a shy, girl-next-door type who just wants to share her dorm room pictures with random men. I told her to put that in her bio, and that only seemed to make it worse somehow,” she said. “I just want her to get out there in the world. I guess her next step is putting an ad in the back of a local paper.”

Despite Nguyen’s frustrations, Mark O’Shay, the director of social media outreach for industry-leading Spectrum Marketing, claimed her situation is common.

“Over the past decade, we’ve seen many people struggle to break through the social media wall: swimwear models, people giving away iPads, people with a great deal on Ray-Ban sunglasses… they’re all being pushed to the side, and we can’t figure out why. All our research shows that these are things universally loved,” said O’Shay. “The internet world is very confusing. You’re not going to believe this, but I have four clients who are members of different royal African families who are literally trying to give their money away. And they’re not even getting a return email.”

Nguyen was unavailable for further comment, as she was attempting to reach several friends from high school about a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity in which they surely would be interested.

Call Me Old Fashioned but I Believe Marriage Is Between a Protagonist and Someone They Were Just Friends With for 5 Seasons

Posted on February 20, 2021 by Dan Rice

There’s no denying that the institution of marriage has drastically changed over the last few decades. I would never get in the way of any two adults being married legally because, after all, a marriage is a legal contract with certain benefits that should be available to all couples. That being said, everyone has their own value system and I am no different. It may be a dated opinion but for me, a real marriage can only be between two characters on a once-popular television show after the writers have been spinning their wheels for too long.

Cory and Topanga. Luke and Lorelai. Jake and Amy. Television history is rich with storybook romances spawned by a bunch of pot-addled television writers getting bored and saying, “let’s switch it up a little this season.” These storybook marriages are right where they, and all marriages, truly belong — in stories.

No two real people should ever actually wed. That’s insane. No one is built for that. A marriage, a true marriage, is a contrivance to motivate stale characters through another half-season of tired antics.

We all love when Steve Urkel turns himself into Stefan but if some real-life nerd really built a machine that made him cool, we would all probably be pretty freaked out. Marriage is the same way. If real-life married people loved each other the way Lesley and Ben did, it would shatter your universe. It’s just not how the real world is supposed to be.

Conversely, real-life marriage doesn’t work for television. It’s something put upon two people who don’t-not dig each other enough to break up, that still need to combine assets for tax purposes until such a time that society evolves past such archaic constructs. It makes for bad comedy.

I don’t need you to agree with me, but please believe that my worldview is not rooted in any hatred or bigotry. I cried like a baby at the wedding of Uncle Russell and Chris on a very special episode of Roc. I embrace the union of any two characters regardless of race, sexuality, or gender. Just as long as they are two completely fictional people signaling to me, the viewer, that a sitcom has pretty much run its course and to lower my expectations going forward.

Punk Boy Scout 1 Cig Away From Earning Nicotine Patch

Posted on February 20, 2021 by Kate Howard

CHAUNCEY, Ohio — 11-year-old Boy Scout Albie Tamari is reportedly just one cigarette away from earning the highly esteemed Nicotine Patch to add to his collection of accomplishments, impressed and concerned sources alike confirmed.

“I’m real proud of myself,” Tamari coughed. “Smoking a pack a day has been super tough given my child-sized lung capacity, and the fact I have to steal these cigarettes from my dad’s friend Marty, so I hope I’ve inspired other kids my age to pursue this goal, because it is possible if you have the right mindset and negligent adults in your life. That nicotine patch will prove I’m just as capable as any other smoker, while also helping me kick this nasty addiction I’ve picked up.”

Despite the admiration from the rest of his Scout troop and well-wishing punks across the nation, Tamari’s family members are not that thrilled with his prowess.

“I signed Albie up for the Boy Scouts of America so he would stop hanging out at that skate park across town where all those kids got stabbed last year. I figured the Scouts would straighten him out,” said Albie’s mother Carrie Tamari, while blowing a large vape cloud. “But no! I caught him with a pack of American Spirits, and I found out the Scout leader told Albie that getting hooked on nicotine would train him to be like a real citizen. What bullshit.”

Scoutmaster Billy Green defended the nicotine training program against the parental backlash.

“Look, these kids are going to get into drugs no matter which life path they take. It’s a staple of American culture. Why not get them into a socially acceptable drug like nicotine in a controlled, communal environment?” said Green. “Besides, the nicotine patch is a true honor, and for Albie to earn that patch before he even reaches middle school? Impeccable. Of course, rewarding Albie with the nicotine patch is not just a symbol of congratulations, but a way to tell him that he needs to cut back if he doesn’t want to get lung cancer. It’s not like we don’t have these boys’ best interests at heart.”

Tamari reportedly only has to pull six more sleepless nights if he wants to add the melatonin patch to his list of accolades.

Sony Advises Gamers Against Cracking Apart PS5 Like Delicious Pistachio

Posted on February 19, 2021 by Steven Porfiri

TOKYO — In an effort to prevent damage to their products, the game publisher and console manufacturer Sony urged customers not to pull apart the new PlayStation 5 as if it were a delicious pistachio in an urgent video posted to their social media channels this morning.

“Please understand that it may have indeed been a design flaw to make the outer shell of the new PlayStation 5 appear similar to a pistachio,” said Sony mechanical engineer Akira Oda, noting that the console is unfortunately completely inedible despite its appetizing nut-like appearance. “But alas, you will not find the delicious, salted center of a pistachio nut within. Instead you’ll only discover our Ultra-HD Blu-Ray drive unit, as well as a double-sided air intake fan, and the fact that your warranty has been voided.”

The video specifies that, should players have a need to get into the casing of their PS5 for maintenance, the proper way to do so is by lifting the panel from the back corner of the console, a technique which Oda also clarifies would be ineffective at opening an actual pistachio.

“We at Sony know that enjoying games is hungry work, so we recommend that instead of trying to pry open and consume your new PS5, that you prepare to have a preferred snack on hand during play,” continues Oda in the video. ”We recommend something rich in protein as well as unsaturated fats, such as the humble pistachio itself – as long as you can tell the difference, of course.”

Throughout the remainder of the video, Oda can be seen putting on a pair of white latex gloves before narrating a thorough hands-on teardown of dozens of pistachios while eating them one by one.

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Mars Rover Immediately Fills All Inventory Slots With Ferrite Dust

Posted on February 19, 2021 by Andy Holt

PASADENA, Calif. — Mars rover Perseverance has already been filled to the brim with ferrite dust, engineers announced this morning.

“We kinda just aimed the thing in a random direction and started going to town. Was it a bit hasty? Sure,” said Dr. Mort Jacobson, a physicist at the Jet Propulsion Lab. “To be fair, the interface is confusing.”

While the ferrite dust has not proven useful, engineers were quick to defend themselves and the rover.

“You hear all this hype about Mars. You hear about how it’s getting better, and how there’s cool new stuff, like evidence of saltwater oceans,” said Jacobson. “Can you blame us for getting a little overexcited?”

Mission officials were cautious about next steps.

“It’s not clear how much we should drop. This ferrite crap is all over the place, so it’s probably important. What if we need a boatload of it later on, and we dropped most of ours?” said mission director Gina Helms. “We’d look like real jackasses then.”

At press time, the engineers were trying to figure out if they could stack the ferrite dust or something.

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