On the 7th Day God Rested, That Means There’s a Way To Kill Him

Posted on February 23, 2021 by Dan Rice

“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.”
– Genesis 2:2

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
– Arnold Schwarzeneger, Predator

I am a good Christian. I adhere to the 10 commandments and live in accordance with the teachings of Jesus Christ. I do these things because I was told that I exist under the tyranny of an omnipotent, undefeatable being who created the universe and would smite me if I didn’t. Now that I’ve figured out that God must have a weakness somewhere, defeating him has become my only goal.

Why would an omnipotent, all-powerful immortal being need to rest? If God were truly the boundless, all-powerful, beyond-time-and-space-existing motherfucker Father Mulcahey makes him out to be, why the fuck would he need a nap? Something doesn’t add up here.

If we catch God at the right moment we can take him out.

I figure our best shot at smoking his holy ghost ass is to get him to create another universe. I know he rests every Sunday, but considering what little he’s done for the last 6,000 years he’s probably still pretty spry. Creating a universe really seems to tire him out. I don’t know if that means we need to destroy this universe first or, like, maybe there’s a multiverse or something, but we need this dude making shit to get him vulnerable.

On the first day, he will create the heavens and the earth. On the 2nd, he will create light. That’s when I’ll pick the best spot for a sniper’s nest. There I will wait patiently smoking cigarettes and snacking on rations as he spends the better part of a week separating light from darkness, water from land, and creating living creatures. The second he creates man and says, “all of this is yours,” I take the shot.

The first thing I’m doing after God is dead is coveting my neighbor’s goods and wife. He’s already got a PS5 and she’s a total smoke show. I’m tired of not being jealous. After that, I’ll call up my dad and tell him that he is foolish, which has been a long time coming. Then I’ll eat a little meat on a Friday, steal a few Blu-rays from Walmart, and make up some new God.

I’m thinking the new God should be a woman who isn’t a baby that needs to sit down and suck on their ba-ba every time they create a universe. And she should be a total knock-out, like my neighbor’s wife.

Woman Delighted to Learn She’s Aged Out of Dating Local Musicians

Posted on February 23, 2021 by Taylor Roebuck

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 30-year-old and former band girlfriend Jenna Nuccio was delighted to realize yesterday that she’s finally aged out of dating local musicians, contented sources confirm.

“I thought this day would never come. And to think I bawled my eyes out on my birthday this year,” said Nuccio of aging out of her 20s and fucking the countless “weak dick motherfuckers” that came with it. “It dawned on me that I can’t remember the last time I matched on Tinder with anyone who had a guitar in their pics. And the dude with the Black Flag tattoo at the gas station didn’t even so much as glance at my tits! This is the greatest day of my life.”

Nuccio’s friends are also relieved, having bore witness to her slew of less-than-stellar musically-inclined suitors.

“Well, when we were in high school, we thought the local band dudes were the coolest because they bought us booze and treated us like they didn’t care whether we lived or died… which I guess was where we were at that time,” explained Mara Weinberg, Nuccio’s best friend. “But now it seems a little weird. There were plenty of age-appropriate women around — why did they want to hang out with high school kids? Those ladies obviously knew something we didn’t. And now we’ve lived long enough to be the old, unwanted broads who have things like actual orgasms, and boundaries, and credit cards with a $5,000 limit. And thank God for that. The circle of life.”

Though Nuccio’s friends are happy for her newfound age-based knowledge, her mother is a little concerned by the recent developments.

“Look, honestly, whatever gets me grandkids faster is OK by me. I can understand not wanting to date musicians after the time she’s had, but I do not like the idea of narrowing the pool,” said Maxine Nuccio, Jenna’s mother. “My girlfriend Margie’s nephew is single, he’s a prep cook — lots of tattoos of knives and all kinds of things. I passed along his number. Fingers crossed!”

At press time, Nuccio was shopping for a sensible pair of shoes, having finally gotten rid of all of the ones that consistently make her feet bleed.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on February 22, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

While it seems like many people were underwhelmed by the most recent Nintendo Direct, I would like to personally thank Nintendo for finally giving me the Mario Golf that I’ve been craving for years. I have no interest in 9 irons, but if you put one into Wario’s hands, you have my attention (and 60 dollars). Honestly, you could have the Mario cast doing anything, and I’d buy it. Mario Deck Building? I’ll preorder it. Mario Tax Filing? I’ll speedrun that shit, and have Peach filing by February 12th. But until I can tee off with Yoshi on that beautiful green, I’ll be reading your comments to keep myself entertained…

It’s embarrassing to admit, but this actually happened to me. I only realized when literally everyone moved out of my town, and one of the actors sent me a text asking when they’d get their last paycheck. I should’ve expected this all would happen when I agreed to give away my branding rights while signing up for Disney+. You really gotta read those terms and conditions!

The true fantasy story is a Dungeon Master actually writing the book they’ve been talking about for years. You keep saying it’s “Game of Thrones” meets “Discworld,” but it seems like that meeting keeps getting pushed back.

Listen, we know everyone jokes around about it, but we didn’t actually write this article about you, Richard. Hard Drive would like to officially apologize to Richard’s players for giving him ideas.

Well, you know what they say: men will literally buy loaded sanity dice instead of going to therapy. The temporary buff from buying a new game may seem nice, but you’re going to have to address those base stats eventually.

That’s a great point. Bill Burr will probably be the next actor to be fired from the series, of course, for being Irish.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember: if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

NASA Sends Probe to Jupiter to Get More Stupider

Posted on February 22, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Following the successful landing of the rover Perseverance onto the surface of Mars, NASA has launched a probe called Insistence that will land on Jupiter in order to get more stupider, sources confirm.

“Our top engineers and scientists have explored the halls of college in order to receive knowledge, but we need to go further. That’s why we’re sending Insistence to the surface of Jupiter. It’s not just about NASA or the United States. It’s about getting more stupider for the entire human race,” explained Acting Administrator of NASA, Steve Jurczyk. “Things have been pretty stupid the last few years, I’m sure we can all agree — but we can push further into the unknown. There’s just no bounds to how much stupider our society can get. What was once considered an impossible level of stupidity is now just a few years away. We can get there. Hell, we will.”

In a video uploaded to NASA’s social media pages this morning, engineer Robert Barker explained how Insistence’s mission will function.

“As soon as Insistence lands on the surface of Jupiter, it will immediately start collecting stupid particles to bring back to Earth,” said Barker. “Obviously, we don’t know for sure that we can get more stupider by going to Jupiter. It’s going to take years of exploration, as well as studying samples back here at the NASA base in Florida. But we’re fairly confident that there are signs of stupid on Jupiter, or at least signs of the materials needed to create stupid. In a few decades, we could be sending manned missions to get more stupider in person.”

According to social media reactions, Americans were mostly supportive of the announcement.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. I remember hearing that phrase ‘girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider,’ as a kid, but it’s not actually TRUE,” said Facebook user Maria Stone. “Everyone in their right mind knows that Jupiter isn’t a real place! NASA is a front for a Satanic cult!!! Open your minds, people!!!”

At press time, NASA confirmed that they had received all of the stupider they needed when Insistence exploded minutes after leaving Earth’s atmosphere.

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Daft Punk Breaking up Just Proves That European Automation Will Never Replace the American Workforce

Posted on February 22, 2021 by Zach Raffio

As European technological innovation has caused countless industry jobs across the globe to become obsolete, the United States has proven time and time again that this Eastern tech takeover will never be a match for the gritty American workplace, as evidenced by the news of French electronic duo Daft Punk’s break up.

They had a good 28-year run, but much like the European dry compass and the compound crank of 1335, these European advancements were not meant to be commonplace forever. Their cold, hard, croissant crumb-covered bléeps and blôôps are no match for the sweaty, corn-fed American blue-collar warriors who spend countless hours each week producing sick loops ripe for sampling. Strip away all the glitz and glam of Daft Punk’s shiny suits and fun spaceships, and you’re left with a product that’s no match for our hard-working, salt-of-the-earth mid-westerners waking up at the crack of dawn to write phat beats for Beck.

Need more proof? Just look at their touring schedule. They haven’t played a live show in 14 years. American electronic pride Felix Da Housecat, on the other hand, hasn’t stopped touring in decades. Mr. Da Housecat has the thick American blood that pours out every time you put your booty on the floor tonight.

“Get Lucky?” No thanks. I don’t need luck; I’m an American.

Their downfall is not a fluke but rather another domino in the long line of unsustainable European Windows 95 enthusiasts with funny names and/or costume gimmicks, preceded by the Swedish House Mafia and likely followed by, let’s be honest, Crazy Frog.

So no matter how hard they try, no matter how hard they barter, and no matter how hard the second half of “Too Long” goes, Daft Punk could never live up to the standard of quality set by the longstanding American workforce. It’s only a matter of time before French indie-pop stalwarts Phoenix succumb to an equal fate, squandered under malleable, calloused hands of the industrial Matt & Kim complex.

Woman Makes Uncomfortable Small Talk With Herself During At-Home Haircut

Posted on February 22, 2021 by Rachel Higgins

BOSTON — Local woman Jenna Jenkins allegedly made uncomfortable small talk with herself yesterday while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt to feign human connection report.

“I can’t afford a salon visit right now, but due to my steadily declining mental health, I decided I couldn’t go another second without cutting my hair,” explained the 33-year-old from her bathroom. “I spent hours saving dozens of reference photos on my phone and I watched almost three entire YouTube tutorials, so I was feeling pretty confident.”

Jenkins, who lives alone and has been working from home since last spring, credited the few, brief physical interactions with others with her conversational skills.

“As soon as I got started, these questions just came pouring out of me. ‘How are you today?’ ‘What do you do for work?’ ‘Are you sure you want bangs? I’m not sure that style suits you.’ You know, standard line of inquiry,” Jenkins recalled. “Gradually the conversation pivoted to more poignant topics like, ‘I can’t believe how early the sun sets this time of year,’ ‘I really like your necklace,’ and ‘Casey is definitely the hotter Affleck.’ It really felt like I was there, at the salon, staring at my practically disembodied head in the mirror thinking, ‘There’s no way I actually look like this.’ Finally, some normalcy.”

When asked how she felt about the new ‘do, Jenkins was outwardly pleased, though she admitted to spending several of the following hours in tears and making a desperate call to friend and salon owner Heather Flaherty for affirmation and guidance.

“In my professional opinion, I think introducing a few more topics like how dry her hair is, if she found a good parking spot, and her lackluster love life would have really elevated the experience,” Flaherty stated. “Polite but irrelevant small talk is just as important as the haircut itself. It’s just fucking weird if you don’t say anything. I hope she left herself a nice tip.”

Jenkins has since acquired a stylish but not overcompensatory hat, as well as a renewed sense of agonizing loneliness.

Opinion: Bruce Springsteen Should Be Allowed To Drive Drunk

Posted on February 22, 2021 by John Danek

As time goes on, I realize America isn’t the country I once thought it was. I honestly believed that work ethic and ingenuity would get you far. But nope, it’s all a sham. A big fat lie.

How do I know? Because Bruce Springsteen was arrested for taking one measly shot of Patron with some buds before hopping on his motorcycle to ride off into the night. Probably to write his next masterpiece. And goddamnit, if an American has earned the right to bend or break a few laws, it’s The Boss.

Let me be clear: I am not advocating for drunk driving. It’s morally and ethically reprehensible. I don’t think anyone should do it. Unless you wrote Born to Run, Nebraska, and Born in the USA. In that case, you get a few free passes to do whatever you want. You created “I’m On Fire”? Cool, you earned a couple of arsons, on the house.

And hell, he was riding a motorcycle! It’s not like he had some innocent bystander wrap their leg’s ‘round his velvet rims and strap their hands across his engines. Bruce was only endangering himself, and barely at that. If anyone could survive a horrific motorcycle crash, it’s The Boss.

And just to further emphasize that I am anti-drunk driving, anyone involved in an accident with a shitfaced Springsteen should be arrested and have their sentences doubled automatically.

His concerts are sometimes 4 hours long. Think of the sheer amount of joy he brings to fans at his shows. So maybe he takes out one or two on the ride home? I personally would be honored to have the hand that strummed “Atlantic City” end the lives of me and my family. God forbid he sip on a Miller High Life while cruising down the Garden State Parkway after a long night of belting anthems for the everyman.

Bruce Springsteen is a broken hero on a last-chance power drive and if he wants to have a few before riding through mansions of glory on suicide machines, that’s his business.

We let Donald Trump commit multiple acts of literal treason without so much as a slap on the wrist. What has he done for the culture besides ruining Cheetohs for a while? Nothing. He hasn’t earned the right to break the law.

The Boss has.

Sexual Tension Between Man and Acoustic Guitar Through the Roof

Posted on February 22, 2021 by Jovian Gautama

NASHVILLE — Local man and cowboy boots enthusiast Kyle Wilkinson had a brief, steamy encounter with an acoustic dreadnought guitar at a “socially-distanced house party” last night, awkward party-goers confirmed.

“I’ve been in the game long enough to read the signs. If a guitar is just sitting there with a capo clipped on her headstock, it’s a ‘come play me with your fingers’ invitation,” said the 25-year-old Wilkinson, who is currently banned from Guitar Center in three states for playing the intro of Avenged Sevenfold’s “Dear God” six times in a row. “Pro tip — always have a pick prepared for unexpected occasions like this. I always have one in my wallet, right next to the condom that expired in 2017.”

While guitar owner and party host Stevie Piper was not amused with Wilkinson, he tried to stay open-minded about strangers noodling around with his beloved instrument.

“He’s been staring at my goddamn guitar while humming the intro to Matchbox Twenty’s Unwell’ for 20 minutes. I bet he has a pick in his wallet, too,” said Piper. “It’s pretty obvious he wanted to take Connie — I named it after Willie Nelson’s ex-wife — for a ride. Look, I’m open-minded when it comes to strangers fiddling with my instrument, as long there’s a clear line in the sand. One time a guy asked to play her in drop D, and I threw him out of my house.”

Connie, the acoustic guitar in question, described her momentary yet tingling encounter with Wilkinson, admitting she “hasn’t felt that kind of rousing sensation for a long time.”

“Stevie is lovely and gentle with his little hands, but his playing is always a bit vanilla. He’s mostly an open string guy. So we started… ah… experimenting,” the guitar explained. “The last good licks I got from Piper was when he learned that John Mayer sex song. I’d be lying if I said Kyle’s manly, rugged callouses didn’t bring out the tone in me. He has neat fingernails too, which you always want when a man you barely know starts getting his fingers all up on you.”

Near the party’s end, Wilkinson was allegedly seen by several eyewitnesses in Piper’s garage fucking a 2004 Gibson Mandolin.

Fast & Furious Franchise Announces Partnership With Olive Garden

Posted on February 21, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Restaurant chain Olive Garden has teamed up with the Fast & Furious franchise to promote the importance of “family” as a concept.

“When yew here, ya family,” Vin Diesel says in one of the several promotional videos, walking into frame holding a bottle of Corona beer in one hand and a bunch of loose fettuccine alfredo in the other. “There’s nothin more important than sittin ‘round the table and breakin bread with your crew, your family. That’s why me and my drivurs always come to Olive Garden after we save the world… because when yew’re family? Yaw’re family. And that’s what a family does. They be one.”

The series of advertisements was a colossal hit with fans of the restaurant chain and film franchise.

“What’s interesting about the Olive Garden Fast & Furious ads is that they don’t seem to actually advertise either the restaurant or the movies. I think that’s perfect,” explained Twitter user @TokyoGrift. “It’s just like they say: ‘when you’re family, you’re family. And when you’re at Olive Garden you’re family. And also when you’re in a crew, you’re family.’ That’s a direct quote from the video that I agree with.”

“As someone who thinks that the Fast 9 trailer should win Best Short Film at the 2020 Oscars, I’m more than willing to watch the Fast cast just kinda mill about in an Olive Garden,” said @2Frank2Furious. “I want to know what these guys are up to in their spare time. I want a Truman Show style television show about the life of Dominic Torreto and his friends. The message of these films is so important to me, because I’ve never had a family of my own. Dom, Brian, Letty, Roman, etc… they’re my chosen family. I was brought to tears seeing Han, safe and alive, wolf down a bowl of shrimp scampi.”

“My favorite part of the Olive Garden videos was seeing the mean restaurant manager who wouldn’t let Dom bring in his own burgers that he cooked at home,” said @FastAndFuriousPresentsChris. “I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be a cousin of the Shaws or something. And if I know anything about the Fast & Furious franchise, he’ll end up being in the crew by the 10th movie.”

At press time, due to disagreements with the cast, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson announced he was working on a series of videos himself, titled Olive Garden Presents: Hobbes and Bread Stick.

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Anxious Roommate Leaves Mysterious “Sorry” Note on Every Door in House

Posted on February 21, 2021 by Emma Jonas

PORTLAND — Anxious roommate Megan Styers allegedly adorned every door in her house with a post-it note bearing only the word “sorry,” “just in case anything is weird or anything,” according to irritated sources.

“Megan’s actually a pretty good roommate — we don’t see her much, and she never makes a sound. She’s definitely cleaner than the rest of us and she always makes sure the trash goes out,” roommate Nina Holcomb said. “I mean, if no one else takes it out, she’ll take it out, even if it’s 5:30 in the morning, and she’s never once asked us to try to remember. Most of the time she washes dishes or vacuums before anyone can even get to them. I can’t imagine what she would apologize for, but I can count on things being unnecessarily weird around the apartment for at least the next two weeks, so that’s a relief.”

Psychoanalyst and handwriting expert Marsha Kerns said the formation and spacing of the letters indicate a pattern of repeated and meaningless distress.

“The subject clearly uses the written apology to self-soothe, and by visually marking every door in the home she has preemptively created an environment wherein no one can logically become angry with her because she has already apologized,” Kerns said. “As far as defense mechanisms go, this one is a remarkably effective if sad form of self-preservation, which is evidenced by the total confusion experienced by those to whom she’s apologized.”

Interestingly, Styers’s Tumblr following has nearly quadrupled since news of her postings became public, with one follower, tears_for_tears, co-opting Styer’s methods in their own home.

“I already scheduled my classes and work around never having to interact with my roommates ever again,” the devotee said. “And now with the Megan Method, as I like to call it… I hope that’s OK… anyway, I don’t have to let my anxiety control me. I’ve taken control of my anxiety through nothing more than debilitating codependency and angering passive aggression. And I’m allowing it to conduct all my social activities for me. Life has never been better.”

“Sorry if that’s not helpful,” they added.

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