Emotional Support Dog Really More of An Enabler

Posted on February 25, 2021 by Stephen Bell

OVIEDO, Fla.— Local emotional support dog Reggie is under fire today for acting as more of an enabler for his owner’s anxieties rather than diminishing them, sources close to the pair confirmed.

“I take Reggie with me everywhere to work like a little radar that lets me know everything is OK,” said Reggie’s owner Kimiko Ota. “If he starts to shake, I know I’m in a situation where my anxiety is justified. Funny enough, Reggie is basically always shaking, but that’s OK because I’m always anxious. It’s good to have confirmation that everyone in public is absolutely looking at and judging me, the bus I’m on will certainly crash, and I’m a failure in the eyes of my parents. Without Reggie, I’d feel that these thoughts are so invalid.”

However, Ota’s friends really wish she’d find a new owner for her dog.

“Don’t think of me as cruel for saying Kimiko needs to find a new home for Reggie,” said longtime friend Heather Lear. “But the dog is a little bastard and I hate him. I know a co-dependent relationship when I see one: every time the dog barks, Kimiko also starts yelling. When he runs around the house, Kimiko assumes the dog is running from a fire or something. The dog tries to bite me; Kimiko threatens me with a knife. They just amplify each other in the worst ways.”

For his part, Reggie the dog was defensive.

“Who are you? Do you work for the government? I don’t take reporter questions,” barked Reggie angrily. “You’re in league with the mailman, aren’t you? Do you have any idea how many times a week that bastard comes and tries to attack Kimiko? Pretty much every day but Sunday. I scare him off every time, and receive treats and belly rubs for it. Now if you would excuse me, I have some videos to show Kimiko about chemtrails and the secret Illuminati plot against us.”

Kimiko’s friends are hoping to redirect her by giving her a cat that could teach her to not give a shit about anything.

If I’m Not Supposed to Eat the Decorative Soaps Why Are They Shaped Like Delicious Sea Shells?

Posted on February 25, 2021 by Daniel Arnold

I love life’s simple pleasures. I’m talkin’ taking in a good sunset, falling asleep to the sound of a crackling fire, or biting into a tasty, ripe seashell. Especially that last one. I tell ya, there’s nothing like the feel of your teeth gnashing against one of those bad boys as its savory brine drips down your chin. Boy howdy, do I love the small things in life. So why in the hell would you shape your decorative soaps to look and smell like delicious seashells if you didn’t want me to eat them?

When I checked into this beach-themed Airbnb, I had no idea I was walking into a trap. Except for when I walked into the sand trap room, but that was part of what I paid for. So when I walked into the bathroom and saw a bowl of my favorite beach snack, I took a bite expecting the sweet taste of sandy brine and the satisfying crunch of yet another shattered tooth. But what did I get? Just a mouth full of yucky, bitter soap. And now the Airbnb owners are pissed and say I need to pay to replace them.

Honestly, they’re lucky I don’t sue them! God only knows what soap could do to the inside of my body. I don’t even use that stuff on my hands. Not like seashells which are 100% natural, organic, and did I mention delicious?

There was no “hey, please don’t eat the shells” fine print in the agreement, by the way. It was my cheat day so I was elated to see that bowl of plump ocean nuggets. Imagine my dismay when I chomped down and discovered it’s just soap. At first, I assumed I was on a prank show. I checked the whole condo for Sal Vulcano before realizing Impractical Jokers would have booked a better location.

Whatever happened to this country? I remember going to the beach with my family, setting up our chairs, settling in with a nice book, reaching down to feel the warmth of the sand, picking up a seashell, and just tearing into that bad boy. What am I supposed to do now? Check to see if every seashell I eat is made of something inedible first? I say, if you wanna vacation like that, you should stay in an Airbnb in Russia.

Venue Owner Just Remembered They Left Sound Guy Locked In Prior to Pandemic

Posted on February 25, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Independent venue owner Joe Englert panicked early yesterday morning after realizing he’s left sound guy Jake Montgomery locked in his club DC9 since the venue’s last show on March 12, 2020.

“Fuck!” exclaimed Englert, tearing away from an outdoor dinner party without explanation. “Right when we had to close down DC9, I had this nagging suspicion that I forgot to do something… but I remember double checking all the lights and unhooking the kegs, so I figured it was just some minor thing, if anything. I’m not sure what it was that made me remember Jake was still in there taking a shit when we closed — maybe it was the bad food I’d had for dinner or something. But goddammit, I am so fucked if he’s dead in there. This is like that bulk order of ice incident all over again.”

Montgomery, thankfully, is still alive, surviving by rationing bar snacks and cocktail fruits.

“I’m starting to get the sense that no one’s coming for me,” a defeated Montgomery mused. “I sent a few texts saying I’m trapped in the bar, but I guess no one took them seriously because everyone sent my hundreds of calls to voicemail. It wasn’t so bad at first — I figured eventually someone would come looking, but no dice. I tried to get out, but I was too weak to break a window, and I’m still too chubby to fit in a vent. Things took a turn once the city shut the water and power off and the jars of maraschino cherries in the walk-in ran out. There’s still water in the toilets to keep me going, and I’ve managed to kill a few rats here and there for food, but I think it’s just a matter of time at this point.”

City officials chided the management of DC9 for their forgetfulness, but conceded that they weren’t particularly surprised.

“Given D.C.’s long and proud history with the punk community, we’ve seen our fair share of negligence cases among the so-called losers of the rock community,” stated Mayor Muriel Bowser. “City services often find themselves stepping in to deal with circumstances such as Montgomery’s. We’ve had everything from social services taking neglected bassists under protection, to performing welfare checks on music bloggers. The punk community needs to do better by these dorks.”

In related news, absolutely no one from pop-punk band One Hundred Cubs has yet remembered that their merch guy Alan Chiu was still in a double-parked van out back.

‘I Hunger for More Movies’ Bellows Minotaur Living Beneath Netflix Headquarters

Posted on February 24, 2021 by Andy Holt

LOS GATOS, Calif. — The grotesque monster living under Netflix cried out in hunger this morning, desperate for more mid-budget features from the streaming platform.

“Is the minotaur ideal? Of course not. In a perfect world we would not have the minotaur. But we’ve tried to make it a fun office activity. I even put together this colorful feeding schedule,” said HR director Ronnie Ford, who slaughters a goat and drops it into the labyrinth every third Friday. “It’s the beast’s appetite for content we’re having a hard time keeping up with. The thing just loves movies.”

Netflix struggled in the early days, trying to sate the minotaur’s cravings while maintaining a base level of quality. Things only began to stabilize in the last few years, when the company figured out a way to keep up.

“One day we accidentally showed him Home Alone 3, the one where they recast everybody and replaced Chris Columbus with a cheap director. The monster absolutely loved it. That’s when we realized the movies didn’t have to be good,” said creative executive Kai Armstrong. “Ever since, we’ve used Home Alone 3 as a model: not great, not even okay, but technically a movie.”

Industry experts were hesitant to criticize Netflix for their output, stressing that every streaming service had strengths and weaknesses.

“HBO makes decent movies, but they have to contend with corporate overlords at AT&T, so they move slowly. Disney is doing great, but won’t people get tired of the MCU and Star Wars? And then you have Netflix, cursed with a ravenous beast that stalks the basement, plotting his escape to the surface, where he will devour every living soul in the building,” said investment banker Bart Norman. “So, you know. It’s pluses and minuses.”

At press time, Netflix executives had written “more comedy specials??? yes or no” on a piece of paper and were lowering it down into the labyrinth.

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Alcoholism Family’s Only Tradition

Posted on February 24, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man and guy who “maybe enjoys an occasional drink, no big deal” Dennis Walsh realized yesterday that alcoholism is the only tradition passed down from generation to generation in his family.

“My son was doing a school project on his family history and one segment was dedicated to ‘Traditions,’ and for the life of me, I couldn’t think of one,” said Walsh while eating a handful of Altoids to cover the smell of alcohol on his breath. “I considered things that a bunch of my relatives have in common — for instance, most of my uncles have been thrown into stadium jail at Eagles games, and I’ve got at least two aunts on my dad’s side who have each pulled a knife on a police horse. And of course, it wasn’t until adulthood that I learned that having a ‘piss closet’ that multiple family members have drunkenly mistook for the bathroom is not normal. That’s when I realized, the common denominator in all these ‘traditions?’ Alcoholism.”

However, Walsh’s mother Marie believes her son’s concerns are overblown.

“Sounds to me like Denny is being dramatic. He’s always been an anxious boy; he just needs to have a drink and relax,” explained the Walsh family matriarch while handing us a beer before we could say, “No, thanks, we’re driving.” “When I was growing up it was just normal to have a drink while watching a baseball game, or operating a circular saw, or driving down the shore. Besides, I read a study once that alcohol is good for your heart, and I’m choosing to ignore all other studies to the contrary.”

Family friend Fran Murphy concurred following a failed intervention for the family.

“You can’t really help someone until they’ve hit rock bottom. The thing is, everyone’s rock bottom is different. And while the Walsh family’s situation may look dire to any normal, sober person, apparently they have much, much further to fall,” said Murphy. “I should have known the intervention was a mistake when I asked Denny’s older brother Matt for help and his reply was, ‘How many cases should I bring?’ I tried to maintain order, but after a while everyone was drunk and seemingly having a great time. So I just cracked open a beer and joined the fun.”

Sources say Dennis had also reached out to his distant relatives in Kentucky to ask them about their “family tradition” of producing and consuming crystal meth.

Back in My Day Only Punks With Rich Parents Lived in Poverty

Posted on February 24, 2021 by Kevin Tit

City punks are way too soft nowadays. I’m sick and tired of hearing all this crap about wage theft and other socialist propaganda. It’s like everyone who’s struggling financially is suddenly a fucking expert on why capitalism is an unsustainable system! Back in my day, punks living in poverty didn’t cry about the economy. Why would they? They all had rich parents.

I hate to sound all “traditionalist” or whatever, but punk was just better back when everyone who lived in a squat also had access to a summer home. Now those folks knew how to have a good time! I remember back in ‘92 when my buddy Rick da Felon invited us to go party at this huge five-bedroom house he was squatting in while his parents were in the Caribbean escaping the harsh Mid-Atlantic winter.

You know what we did? We got wasted and told fight stories. Fight stories about actual fights, by the way. Not about fighting the “bourgeoisie” or whatever the fuck. Real fights, like the ones Rick always had with his parents over how much he’s gonna inherit when they die. Ironically, Rick died that weekend from combining his mother’s Vicodin with his father’s 7000-year-old scotch.

That’s beside the point though. If Rick were still alive today he wouldn’t be one of these sensitive pro-labor union punks that cry all over the internet about raising the minimum wage. Nope. Rick would rally the gang to go dumpster dive for pizzas behind one of the little caesars his family owned. There was something dignified about being a punk with no money back in those days, ya know? Whatever happened to pulling yourself up by your own combat bootstraps?

All I’m trying to say is that punk these days ain’t filled with nothing but cry babies looking for handouts. The world would be a much better place if people like Rick were still alive and I was able to hang out at his family’s sick beach house.

Parents Sneakily Replace Child’s Dead Goldfish With Matt Skiba

Posted on February 24, 2021 by Rose Vineshank

BALTIMORE — Local parents Mark and Susan Finkleburg skillfully avoided an emotional conversation with their child Mark Jr. last week by sneakily replacing his beloved pet goldfish with Matt Skiba of Alkaline Trio.

“We didn’t know what to do. We thought maybe it was time to have the big talk about mortality, but how hard would it be to replace the goldfish with something similar?” Susan stated. “Matt Skiba was the closest thing we could come up with: he’s always kinda damp, his eyes are always looking out aimlessly to the sides, and he’s mostly an herbivore. As soon as we stuffed Matt, who is surprisingly flexible, into that fishbowl, we knew we made the right choice.”

However, Mark Jr. claimed he noticed the difference right away.

“Usually when I get to my room, I’ll call out for my goldfish Spunky by shouting, ‘Where are you?’” the heartbroken and irritated Mark Jr. recalled. “But this time, instead of my goldfish, I see Matt Skiba pressed up against the glass of the fishbowl. We just stared at each other awkwardly until he finally muttered, ‘I’m so sorry.’ I still can’t really sleep in there.”

Henry the Snail, who shared a bowl with Spunky, slowly realized he was sharing a bowl with Matt Skiba over the course of a week.

“I noticed Spunky got pretty quiet for a few days, but I didn’t think too much of it. We’re all handling the pandemic in our own way,” the snail explained. “The moment that gave everything away though was when one of Matt’s giant turds took up the entire bowl and almost crushed me to death. I can safely say that this is not Spunky, and I am not a fan of this new stuff.”

In related news, a Cincinnati family’s pet piranha has allegedly been replaced by Houston-based artist Riff Raff, but no one, including Riff Raff, has noticed yet.

Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine

Posted on February 23, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered in the inner workings of a slot machine.

“Oh my god, I told him not to crawl in there anymore,” said an associate of the hedgehog, a flying squirrel that wished to remain anonymous. “He kept scurrying up inside and I would be so afraid but fuck me if he didn’t hit once in a while. I knew it felt dangerous, but he kept telling me it was fine and asked what the worst was that could happen. I guess we know now.”

Casino employees were disturbed by the incident, but reported that it was not an isolated one.

“We knew this was going to happen eventually,” said Vinny Bowen, a pit boss at the infamous resort. “These rodents crawl up into these machines, and I don’t know what the hell they’re doing exactly, but they’re robbing us blind. This business has changed a lot. Used to be you get a rat or a hedgehog in the machine, worst case scenario it fritzes out and you have to replace it. Nowadays, you could lose your whole ass in a wrongful death suit.”

The news of Sonic’s untimely demise was met with mixed emotions by Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, a long time professional rival of Sonic’s.

“He’s really dead?” asked the mad scientist who has long aimed to take over the world. “I mean, I guess that’s pretty exciting, but still, sort of depressing to find out that some Grey’s Anatomy themed slot machine managed to do what I couldn’t for decades. Ah well, now that that pesky hedgehog is out of my way I may finally take over the world!”

As of press time, Sega was scrambling to find a replacement for Sonic in next year’s Winter Olympics in Beijing.

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Top 5 Songs You Wish You’d Lost Your Virginity To Instead of ‘Cotton Eye Joe’

Posted on February 23, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

Everyone wants their first time to be special. It is one of the few moments of your life that you will think about for the rest of your life. While everything might not go as exactly as planned, it is a genuine shame that every time you reminisce about the first time you had sex the 1995 hit “Cotton Eye Joe” by Swedish Eurodance group Rednex is all you can hear.

Here are 5 songs that would have been so much better.

The Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored
Had you just waited for one more song in the mixtape given to you by your first partner then every time Ian Brown sang “I don’t have to sell my soul, he’s already in me,” you would have been reminded of this special time. Instead, you become eerily aroused every time someone jokingly sings, “Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?”

Jimi Hendrix – Voodoo Child
Oh, how nice would it have been to make love for the fifteen-minute duration of Jimi Hendrix’s epic song rather than not even making it the entire three minutes and fifteen seconds of “Cotton Eye Joe” before the experience was over.

Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Of course, you didn’t expect to lose your virginity in your friend’s furnished basement next to a broken pinball machine while seven other people were upstairs watching “3rd Rock from the Sun,” but life doesn’t always happen as you planned it. Had you turned on the radio, instead of a burned CD-R, you could have heard the most romantic song ever recorded instead of a song that didn’t even crack the top 50 of The 100 Biggest 90’s Dance Anthems Of All Time.

Savage Garden – I Want You
It’s too bad you weren’t listening to “I Want You” for your first time, instead it was playing for your second time: over the PA system of a Sam Goody where you worked part-time before being fired for having sex in the stockroom of a Sam Goody.

The Prodigy – Firestarter
This feisty, energetic song would have been a great soundtrack for the intense, spontaneous situation you found yourself in that first time. It was, however, playing on the car stereo, when your first lover broke up with you in their car after finding out you had sex with a random co-worker in a Sam Goody stockroom.

Man’s Woke Tweets Almost Outnumber Sexual Assault Allegations Against Him

Posted on February 23, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local singer-songwriter Vince Valdez is less than a dozen woke Tweets away from eclipsing the massive amount of sexual assault allegations he has piled up during his time in the scene, sources wishing he would go live in the woods and not bother anyone anymore confirmed.

“My Twitter is a place for people to educate themselves and to learn the correct opinions on a lot of current events — like my tweet about how Kamala Harris is responsible for locking up a lot of men of color for smoking weed,” said Valdez, who artfully avoided mentioning assault allegations against Trump and Biden for years. “My feed is not a place for people to come and harass me because I ‘coerced them into sex’ or ‘posted nude photos of them online.’ This is a safe space for everyone, and I don’t want my followers to be triggered by your anger.”

One of Valdez’s followers, Abram Kostecki, is one of the musician’s most avid defenders.

“Who cares how many women have accused him of rape? It’s clear that he hates capitalism, voted for Bernie in the primaries, and is a vocal critic of the police,” said Kostecki. “Even if the accusations were true, I’ve already decided to forgive him. I think there are a lot of people who don’t like how he speaks truth to power and want to try to derail his message with dozens of baseless claims from multiple women that establish a pattern of disturbing behavior. It’s clear they’re just haters.”

Social media analysts note that users will often publicly overcompensate for the heinous acts in their private lives.

“Online behavior is often in stark contrast with what a person does behind the scenes,” said independent researcher Cam Anneli. “Every time a new accusation against Mr. Valdez surfaced, he would find an artful way to redirect the anger. He went after a taco cart that used Goya beans and directed his followers to boycott the business in an effort to distract from a particularly damning accusation against him involving an underage girl. Similarly, he also went after a family-owned diner that allegedly used Aunt Jemima syrup for a brief period in 2012 after an anonymous Twitter user demanded he take a paternity test to determine if he was the biological father of her child.”

Valdez is currently on the defensive after 36 new women provided proof he assaulted them while on tour, subsequently unleashing a Tweetstorm against a local seven-year-old that he overheard call another child fat.

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