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If I’m Not Supposed to Eat the Decorative Soaps Why Are They Shaped Like Delicious Sea Shells?

I love life’s simple pleasures. I’m talkin’ taking in a good sunset, falling asleep to the sound of a crackling fire, or biting into a tasty, ripe seashell. Especially that last one. I tell ya, there’s nothing like the feel of your teeth gnashing against one of those bad boys as its savory brine drips down your chin. Boy howdy, do I love the small things in life. So why in the hell would you shape your decorative soaps to look and smell like delicious seashells if you didn’t want me to eat them?

When I checked into this beach-themed Airbnb, I had no idea I was walking into a trap. Except for when I walked into the sand trap room, but that was part of what I paid for. So when I walked into the bathroom and saw a bowl of my favorite beach snack, I took a bite expecting the sweet taste of sandy brine and the satisfying crunch of yet another shattered tooth. But what did I get? Just a mouth full of yucky, bitter soap. And now the Airbnb owners are pissed and say I need to pay to replace them.

Honestly, they’re lucky I don’t sue them! God only knows what soap could do to the inside of my body. I don’t even use that stuff on my hands. Not like seashells which are 100% natural, organic, and did I mention delicious?

There was no “hey, please don’t eat the shells” fine print in the agreement, by the way. It was my cheat day so I was elated to see that bowl of plump ocean nuggets. Imagine my dismay when I chomped down and discovered it’s just soap. At first, I assumed I was on a prank show. I checked the whole condo for Sal Vulcano before realizing Impractical Jokers would have booked a better location.

Whatever happened to this country? I remember going to the beach with my family, setting up our chairs, settling in with a nice book, reaching down to feel the warmth of the sand, picking up a seashell, and just tearing into that bad boy. What am I supposed to do now? Check to see if every seashell I eat is made of something inedible first? I say, if you wanna vacation like that, you should stay in an Airbnb in Russia.