ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 30-year-old and former band girlfriend Jenna Nuccio was delighted to realize yesterday that she’s finally aged out of dating local musicians, contented sources confirm.
“I thought this day would never come. And to think I bawled my eyes out on my birthday this year,” said Nuccio of aging out of her 20s and fucking the countless “weak dick motherfuckers” that came with it. “It dawned on me that I can’t remember the last time I matched on Tinder with anyone who had a guitar in their pics. And the dude with the Black Flag tattoo at the gas station didn’t even so much as glance at my tits! This is the greatest day of my life.”
Nuccio’s friends are also relieved, having bore witness to her slew of less-than-stellar musically-inclined suitors.
“Well, when we were in high school, we thought the local band dudes were the coolest because they bought us booze and treated us like they didn’t care whether we lived or died… which I guess was where we were at that time,” explained Mara Weinberg, Nuccio’s best friend. “But now it seems a little weird. There were plenty of age-appropriate women around — why did they want to hang out with high school kids? Those ladies obviously knew something we didn’t. And now we’ve lived long enough to be the old, unwanted broads who have things like actual orgasms, and boundaries, and credit cards with a $5,000 limit. And thank God for that. The circle of life.”
Though Nuccio’s friends are happy for her newfound age-based knowledge, her mother is a little concerned by the recent developments.
“Look, honestly, whatever gets me grandkids faster is OK by me. I can understand not wanting to date musicians after the time she’s had, but I do not like the idea of narrowing the pool,” said Maxine Nuccio, Jenna’s mother. “My girlfriend Margie’s nephew is single, he’s a prep cook — lots of tattoos of knives and all kinds of things. I passed along his number. Fingers crossed!”
At press time, Nuccio was shopping for a sensible pair of shoes, having finally gotten rid of all of the ones that consistently make her feet bleed.