BOSTON — Local woman Jenna Jenkins allegedly made uncomfortable small talk with herself yesterday while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt to feign human connection report.
“I can’t afford a salon visit right now, but due to my steadily declining mental health, I decided I couldn’t go another second without cutting my hair,” explained the 33-year-old from her bathroom. “I spent hours saving dozens of reference photos on my phone and I watched almost three entire YouTube tutorials, so I was feeling pretty confident.”
Jenkins, who lives alone and has been working from home since last spring, credited the few, brief physical interactions with others with her conversational skills.
“As soon as I got started, these questions just came pouring out of me. ‘How are you today?’ ‘What do you do for work?’ ‘Are you sure you want bangs? I’m not sure that style suits you.’ You know, standard line of inquiry,” Jenkins recalled. “Gradually the conversation pivoted to more poignant topics like, ‘I can’t believe how early the sun sets this time of year,’ ‘I really like your necklace,’ and ‘Casey is definitely the hotter Affleck.’ It really felt like I was there, at the salon, staring at my practically disembodied head in the mirror thinking, ‘There’s no way I actually look like this.’ Finally, some normalcy.”
When asked how she felt about the new ‘do, Jenkins was outwardly pleased, though she admitted to spending several of the following hours in tears and making a desperate call to friend and salon owner Heather Flaherty for affirmation and guidance.
“In my professional opinion, I think introducing a few more topics like how dry her hair is, if she found a good parking spot, and her lackluster love life would have really elevated the experience,” Flaherty stated. “Polite but irrelevant small talk is just as important as the haircut itself. It’s just fucking weird if you don’t say anything. I hope she left herself a nice tip.”
Jenkins has since acquired a stylish but not overcompensatory hat, as well as a renewed sense of agonizing loneliness.