5 Adorable Photos of Celebrities and Their Pets To Continue Distracting You From Finding a Therapist

Posted on by Heather Cook

It’s clear: You need to find a new therapist like your life depends on it. Possibly literally. Yet here you are, distracted once again by the whims of celebrity clickbait. Sure, it’s not super hard to find a therapist. One simple ZocDoc search and you’re basically done. But the dopamine hits from scrolling through endless photos of famous people and their pets is basically as good as therapy, plus you don’t have to process all that stuff in your past.

Thanks to the unquenchable thirst of celebrity narcissism, you’ll have so many pets to look at, you’ll never need to find a therapist!

Dan Levy and His Capybara – You were just about to start your online quest for a new therapist when suddenly you found yourself staring at this jaw-dropping photo of Dan Levy and his Capybara. Is it even legal to own one of those as a pet? Probably not, but you’re wasting a lot of time trying to find out. Time you could have wasted searching for a therapist

Reese Witherspoon and Her Donkey – Crippling social anxiety from months of quarantine? Self-diagnosing yourself as depressed? Suddenly realizing you might be a nihilist? These are all blatant signs that it’s time to look at this precious photo of Reese Witherspoon and her donkey. Surely you can suffer a little longer for the sake of this cuteness!

Michael B. Jordan and His Kitty Cat – By now you could have made a long list of therapists to call, but instead you’re drooling over this salacious photo of Michael B. Jordan and his pretty little kitty cat. Therapy costs money, but this adorable distraction is totally free, baby!

Dua Lipa and Her Bearded Dragon – You used to think reptiles were slimy and gross before you saw this charming picture of Dua Lipa giving her bearded dragon a kiss. About five minutes ago you were contemplating whether life is even worth living anymore, but now you’re blissfully distracted and forget why you even sat down at the computer in the first place.

Zendaya and Her Kangaroo – Alright, enough is enough. Look at you. You’re covered in candy wrappers and you’re no longer sure which of these half-drunk wine bottles is the “fresh” one. You should seriously schedule a therapy appointment ASAP. Your family and friends are worried about you. But, since you’re here, enjoy this final picture of Zendaya and her kangaroo. Now, get to work!

New iPhone Predictive Text Feature Generates Excuses for Why You Can’t Go to Friend’s Show

Posted on by Dianne Nora

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s newest iPhone operating system, iOS 16, includes a predictive text feature that allegedly recognizes when the user is being invited to a friend’s show and generates excuses for why the user will not be able to attend, according to sources within the company.

“Apple has always been about connection, but also innovation, and our newest iOS feature is a major disruption to everything we know about connecting to those we love most. I’m excited to announce: iCan’t,” said an elated Tim Cook, practically giddy as he presented the new feature at an Apple keynote. “How many times have you been guilted into a live performance of the art your friend has dedicated their life to, unable to come up with an excuse why you couldn’t attend quickly enough, when what you really wanted was to stay in and watch Apple TV’s first-rate programming? You’ll never have to lie to your friends that their set totally killed again. Why? Because you’ll be home, on your couch, where you belong, thanks to iCan’t.”

Alba Cassidy, one of the lead designers of the new feature, insists it offers more than pre-canned excuses that the recipient might recognize as lies.

“It was really important to me that we took advantage of the region’s most plentiful resource when developing iCan’t: narcissists,” Cassidy said. “We’ve enlisted the flakiest, most self-absorbed technical engineers and coders from all across Silicon Valley to generate these unique excuses in real-time. The lies they can generate are so soundproof, users in the beta stage sometimes began believing the excuses themselves.”

Joyce Haley, a tech analyst, explained how the feature functions from the user’s perspective.

“First, the feature goes into triage mode to assess the threat level of the event — is it across town? Is there a hefty cover fee? Is this a contact who only hits you up to see their shows? If any of those are spotted, a red flag icon appears, and you just tap on it to send iCan’t into gear,” she explained. “At first I was skeptical, but I tried it on with a friend’s set last week, and the excuse was so solid, she apologized to me for bringing it up when I have so much going on, and texted me the next day to see if I needed anything. I was just planning to take an edible and watch Squid Game, but if I’d gone to the show, I would have had to put pants on. iCan’t saved me.”

At press time, Cook was using iCan’t to get out of a summons to testify in Congress regarding the Judiciary Committee’s antitrust investigation.

Amazing: This Woman Has Quit Smoking 18 Times

Posted on by Dom Turek

Any “expert” who says willpower alone isn’t enough to overcome an addiction clearly hasn’t met Sara Whittaker, a woman whose ironclad self-discipline has allowed her to quit smoking an astonishing 18 times.

According to research on addiction, behavioral changes and nicotine replacement therapies yield the best results when quitting smoking. Still, Whittaker swears by her methods, including avoidance and a thick rubber band she snaps on her wrist every time she gets the overwhelming urge to light up.

“As long as I can avoid sex, driving, food and, everyday stress, I’m golden,” said Whittaker taking an extra-long pull from her mango-flavored vape pen. “Quitting is easy once you find something to satisfy your oral fixation, like carrot sticks, chewing gum, or just taking a few drags from your friend’s cigarette.”

As if kicking her nicotine habit 18 times wasn’t impressive enough, Whittaker also has nine stints of sobriety under her belt and is even planning on throwing her Juul in the garbage for the 3rd time this month.

Those close to Whittaker say she’s a habitual smoker who bargains her way back into bumming a cigarette any chance she gets, but Whittaker rebuffs their remarks as jealousy.

“Why would I take advice from someone who’s only quit smoking once or twice?” Asked Whittaker. “Every time I quit smoking, I do it to inspire people and as a fuck you to billion-dollar corporations, and also because that weird lump in my neck is starting to hurt again, and I don’t have any health insurance.”

A grim statistic reports that while 70 percent of current smokers want to quit, only 8 percent will be successful, but Whittaker is optimistic because she has the power of prayer on her side.

“Every time I feel that lump in my neck or have a cough lasting more than two months, I’ll get down on my knees and tell a god of my choosing that if they make sure I don’t have cancer, I’ll never smoke another cigarette as long as I live,” said Whittaker, who has yet to keep up her end of the bargain. “God is good, unfortunately just not as good as cigarettes.”

Punk Jehovah’s Witness Wants To Know If You Have A Minute To Talk Shit About Jesus

Posted on by Michael De Toffoli

NEWCASTLE, Wyo. — Local punk and Jehovah’s Witness Mike “Pitstain” Dawson took it upon himself to counterbalance the Jehovah’s Witness’ message by going door to door talking shit about Jesus.

“I usually look forward to chatting with the nice Jehovah’s Witness’ when they drop by, but then this angry young man started in with his ‘mother f-er’ this, and ‘bastard child of a sky fart’ that,” said lifelong Newcastle resident Edith Young, who met Dawson while on his rounds at her retirement community. “Once he finished the cookies I made him and raided my liquor cabinet I didn’t mind that he got lost with his Jesus talk. Those guys are always annoying, but at least I’m not left with a trashed restroom when they finally go away.”

Dawson has been going door to door spreading his “word of shade” as he calls it, essentially engaging Newcastle residents in conversation about how weak the one true lord and savior really is.

“He made a lot of good points,” said Chuck Vivanco, a former Berkeley, California resident and recent Newcastle transplant. “When I moved to Wyoming I was admittedly lost, and his message of shit talking and shade-throwing gave me a sense of community and peace here. The love I’ve found in my heart for hating on that hippie nerd JC has gotten me through some bleak times, man.”

The Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses has felt differently however, claiming that even though Dawson’s drive is in the right place, his confrontational message is ultimately off-book.

“I won’t lie, I admire that young man’s spirit. His drive to reach wayward souls, and the miles that he’s already put in to bother them on their days off is impressive,” said Nancy Russell, a supportive but critical elder at Kingdom Hall in Newcastle. “But we’re not here to talk shit, we Jehovah’s Witnesses are here to spread shit. The shit of Jesus Christ. It’s up to everyone to find their own way, we merely serve as conduits in pushing them there by bothering them in the privacy of their own homes.”

Following Dawson’s lead, Kingdom Hall began a new youth-oriented outreach program which encourages the ministry to seek followers behind dumpsters and in school parking lots, where they drink handles and smoke weed while talking shit about Satan, to mixed results.

Man Has No Idea What Best Friend Does for a Living

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Chris Jones was left reeling after realizing that he had no clue as to what his best friend of 25 years does for a living, sources within their friend circle have reported.

“Kevin [Ortiz] and I have been side by side through everything for like a quarter of a century, so it’s not like we keep secrets from each other. But the other day he texted me to pick him up from work before we hit the bar and I drew a complete blank on what he actually does for a living,” said Jones. “Last I remember he was griping about working overtime on budget reconciliation, so maybe accounting? I could’ve sworn he majored in Communications. Maybe he’s in marketing, I can see him doing that because he is super creative.”

Jones’ longtime friend, was in disbelief that his job was a complete mystery to someone he viewed as a brother.

“Is he for real right now? I’m literally the owner of an independent IT firm and have been for like, five years. I even offered him a position with the company last year and he turned it down because he said it ‘wasn’t in his field of expertise’, as if we both didn’t work at Best Buy all throughout high school,” said Ortiz. “I love Chris to death but sometimes he just misses the forest for the trees, but I know he’s in too deep to ask me at this point. I keep handing him my business card to drop in fish bowls for those free lunch raffles at restaurants, but I don’t think he’s thought to take the bait once.”

Experts from the US Department of Labor weighed in on Jones’ predicament, citing that this is not an isolated incident.

“One of the metrics the agency tracks, other than unemployment, is how little interest people have in the careers of their friends and close relations. The only exception would involve careers that are mutually beneficial to the other party, like being the plug for sporting events or PlayStation 5’s, or maybe a massage therapist or chef,” said agency rep Laurel McClair. “Mr. Jones’ case is quite typical, as we’ve discovered about 4 in 10 people will naturally drown out the banal happenings of someone’s office life unless it involves gross incompetence or someone shitting their pants in a meeting. Most people just assume their friends’ titles to be ‘project something’ and never think about it again.”

As of press time, Jones couldn’t believe he was also spacing on the names of Ortiz’s children, both of which he was Godfather to.

Report: Still Unclear Why Pretty Much Everything Wouldn’t Remain on Zoom or Just Not Happen At All

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Countless sources from around the world are reportedly still unsure why anything is going back to happening in person and why anyone is even bothering doing anything at all at this point.

“Having just about everything in life move to a remote space was pretty weird and hard at first, but I got used to it relatively quickly,” said full-time student and part-time marketing assistant, Barat Reddy. “Now, things are pretty much back to in-person all the time, and I just don’t see the point of that, or really anything, for that matter. Why commute to work to ignore my manager’s emails when I can just ignore them from home in half the time? I’m thinking about everyone’s efficiency here.”

People’s preferences for staying home to conduct business over telecommunications platforms like Zoom are no longer limited to just work matters.

“I attended a Zoom wedding last July, which was kind of weird at first. After realizing I could just have the wedding playing in the background while I watched ‘Tiger King’ and then Venmo the couple $40 in lieu of a real gift, I don’t think I can ever go back,” said Milwaukee resident with his camera off, Dwayne Daniels. “Plus, the groom’s brother still got shitfaced and started sharing Vegas pics from the bachelor party in the chat that definitely no one was ever supposed to see, so it was basically exactly like going to a real wedding, minus the tux rental fee and time it takes to gel my hair down.”

Social isolation experts confirmed the people on Earth came to a general consensus that if anything is going to have the audacity to happen, it should be accessible via a link or not occur at all.

“It was hard enough for many people to find the motivation to put on shoes and pants with no drawstring before the pandemic, and since just about everything moved online, it’s been difficult to imagine going back,” said local 41-year-old who just had his meds adjusted again, Frank Meyer. “That compounded with the fact that the world is literally burning and our dollar is going to be worthless soon just makes it that much harder to convince anyone to take time out of their lives to attend a baby shower in person.”

At press time, Reddy was politely pretending to consider attending a standing room only show with a friend before abandoning it to get back to compulsively scroll through TikTok.

1,001 Albums You Must Hear Before I Fucking Kill You

Posted on by John Danek

First things first, have a seat! Ha! Little joke I like to make to people I hogtie to my wondrous collection of barber chairs. I’m not your run-of-the-mill serial killer. I like to have fun and appreciate the arts while I follow the commands of the voices. And this time, I’m in a music mood.

Here are 1,001 albums that will play in this concrete bunker before I end your life. We absolutely have to start with the essentials. I’m talking about The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, and Ashlee Simpson. We’ll tackle their entire discographies but I loathe repeats so we’ll skip any greatest hits compilations. B-sides and demos are fair play though. I know, I know, there’s no reason to yell about it. Seriously, stop screaming. No one can hear you down here. Anyways, b-sides can provide some seriously deep insight into the evolution of an artist.

Once we get through the standards, we enter my favorite part of the collection — obscure gems that I think are under-appreciated. I’m talking extremely limited krautrock vinyl, Seattle grunge bands who never signed to majors, music inspired by My Little Pony, and others. This is stuff Pitchfork WISH they knew about. They’ll rue the day they never responded to my unsolicited 10/10 review of Radiohead’s Pablo Honey. It’s their masterwork and appears no less than 7 times in this 1,001 album list.

After that comes everyone’s favorite music for working and studying- soundtracks! Most of my soundtracks are royalty-free loops and recordings used for corporate presentations, which are so underrated. It’ll make you long for your cubicle job where I lured you into my furniture truck. But no, I will kill you first.

Before we hit the final stretch, I like to play a little goof on my victims in the form of rapper Lil B’s entire discography. 61 albums, mixtapes, and EPs. I still can’t decide if he’s some misunderstood genius or just looney.

And for the final 34 albums you must hear before I fucking gut you? Why, the music of yours truly! Not many people know this but before I became a prolific and evasive serial killer, I dabbled in early 2010’s chillwave bedroom dreampop. Trust me- once you hit my Greatest Motherfucker Alive EP, you’ll be ready for me to fucking kill you.

Touring Band Spins Mythical Yarn of Small Town Scene that “Went Absolute Apeshit” on Recent Tour

Posted on by Peter Woods

NEW YORK — Members of Racked Brain returned from a weekend “tour” and immediately began telling their friends tales of a “packed and absolutely bonkers” show in Laconia, New Hampshire, skeptical sources confirmed.

“Nothing was out of the ordinary before the set began, therefore nothing could have prepared us for the power of this audience,” opined lead singer Ernest Chase. “As soon as we picked up our instruments, a buzz shot through the venue like a lightning bolt of insanity. Everyone there started rushing the stage, people were coming in from the street. I saw like four dudes climb through a window, and one guy came in through the ceiling. They knew every word to every song, even the unreleased songs. It was pretty fucking tight.”

“The overwhelming excitement I felt in that moment is almost beyond words,” added Chase. “But needless to say, they moshed, like, really fucking hard.”

Upon hearing this mythic tale, Racked Brain’s New York colleagues felt an immediate need to journey to Laconia as well.

“God, I want to play there so bad. It all sounds so amazing,” said Brianna Blanchard, guitarist for power violence band Rubble Stuffers. “It sucks that playing around here is so boring. No one here dances anymore because they are all ‘too cool’ for that, but I know they would love us over in Laconia. Plus, I bet they would buy a shit ton of merch and we still have, like, 180 copies of our LP left.”

Despite the overwhelmingly excited response from members of Racked Brain, the attendees at the show had a different opinion.

“Oh, that band that played last week? Yeah, they weren’t bad,” said Laconia native Sam Webb. “I mean, it was pretty straightforward D-Beat. Nothing I haven’t heard before, but it was solid. The problem is that Dog Jockers are from here and they do exactly what that band does except way faster and louder and better.”

“You should come check out a Dog Jockers show around here sometime,” Webb added. “People actually mosh for real at those shows, unlike when Warped Brain [sic] played.”

Following their successful trip, Racked Brain has already announced plans to ride their current momentum with another show, this time in their hometown of New York City. As of press time, four people have RSVP’d on the Facebook event.

Mom Screams Into Decorative Throw Pillow

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHANDLER, Ariz. — A local mom was seen screaming her regrets and frustrations into a decorative throw pillow that read, “Family is Forever,” reported a neighbor who witnessed the incident from her window.

“My first reaction was to go over and see where she got that gorgeous linen throw pillow from,” said neighbor Danielle Orlowski. “I’ve been looking for a new pillow to scream my primal fears and guttural sorrows into ever since I found out my husband was sleeping with someone from his gym, but everything has beads or sequins stitched onto it, which makes it hard to get a good scream in. Plus, I don’t think they’re machine washable.”

Home furnishing stores market throw pillows as decorative accessories used to tie in color accents, but sales associates insist there is no wrong way to use a pillow.

“We want the pillows to be fashionable enough to make a modest statement about your social standing but functional enough to scream your resentments into before your kids come home from school,” said Marshalls’ merchandising supervisor Patrick Evans. “Once upon a time, women were forced to scream into cheap polyester pillows from Sears, but Marshalls is committed to transforming the way people scream into pillows by offering a wider range of colors and fabrics to choose from, in both seasonal themes and classic designs.”

Alice Sawyer, seen screaming into her pillow earlier, uses Marshalls as her go-to for ceramic pumpkins, framed stock photos of the Eiffel tower, or just a place to browse while she wonders what could have been.

“I’m a little embarrassed she saw me screaming into that pillow and not one of my better ones,” said Sawyer, fluffing a European pillow sham. “My husband keeps telling me to stop wasting his hard-earned money on ‘useless crap,’ but I’d rather pay $9.99 to scream into a chenille throw pillow than spend thousands on a divorce lawyer. Why does he care about how many throw pillows are on the bed? We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for years.”

At press time, Sawyer was seen stabbing a pillow that read “Too Blessed to be Stressed” with her new Cuisinart paring knife.

Daylight Saving Time Causes Punk Show To Accidentally Start on Time

Posted on by Kevin Tit

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A show in the basement of local punk house Arsonist Hall started exactly on time today, thanks to a Daylight Saving Time mishap, shocked attendees confirmed.

“This should not be a reflection of the Providence punk scene — our punctuality and preparedness only happened because none of us actually knew what time it was,” said longtime punk Arty “Germ” Lussier. “We’ve just been going by the clock on our stove, and since it read 7:00, we had no way of knowing we were supposed to set our clocks an hour back. And to make it worse, both of the neighbors are on vacation, so there’s nobody to call in a noise complaint. This is hardly even a punk show at this point. Somebody better feed the dog some beer to save face.”

Bands booked on the show admitted that starting on time was disorienting.

“We rolled in, and thought we were 30 minutes late and took our time setting up, but it was all for nothing. The clock in our van hasn’t worked since our bass player puked all over the dashboard display — we usually just kind of go off the placement of the sun to time our day out,” said Gail Ciccotti, lead singer of local punk band Schlitz Blitz. “I overheard some yuppie posers with smartphones mention it was 8:15 halfway through our set, and I just sort of froze: we were the band that started on time. We looked like fucking amateurs.”

Punk historian Andy Melrose noted that the “spring” forward” and “fall back” of Daylight Saving Time has led to multiple issues with punk time.

“There are strict rules we have to follow in the supposedly ‘lawless’ punk scene, and changing the clocks is a surefire way to mess everything up,” said Melrose. “Every year I hear reports of shows starting exactly on time across the country, or even starting early… which is worse than getting caught smiling in family photos with your rich parents and having a full-time job combined. We need to get better about adjusting our expectations every spring and fall.”

Witnesses say the show’s reputation sank even lower, however, when police showed up to the house and enjoyed a few songs before leaving without saying a word.

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