Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

35-Year-Old Man Finally Builds Up Immunity to New Music

Posted on June 18, 2022 by John Danek

BILLINGS, Mont. — Former music obsessive Paul Yarborough finally achieved bodily immunity to the intoxicating effects of new music following years of detachment and apathy, researchers marveled.

“Music used to have so much control over my life, it controlled my personality, my calendar, and what people I chose to be friends with. But I’m so thankful I can confidently say those days are over,” stated Yarborough, who would often fly to attend multiple music festivals per year. “Not long after turning 35, I started getting more into podcasts. I let my Spotify Premium subscription expire because I just wasn’t using it. When I do listen to music, it’s always something I once owned on CD and it was definitely released before 2008. But even with those bands, the desire to lightly headbang has evaporated. All is calm. Finally.”

Musical artists who rely on diehard fandom such as Yarborough’s are struggling with the losses of an aging audience.

“Paul used to be the first to like and comment on all of our social media posts, but now he unfollowed the band entirely!” said a shocked Renee Askowitz, frontwoman of Yarborough’s former favorite punk band Happy Go Unlucky. “Anytime we played around Montana, Wisconsin, or the Dakotas, he’d be there right up front, singing along. But no more, I didn’t see him once on our last leg through there, we even drove by his house, but I was too afraid to go knock on his door. I miss him. And I miss how much money he spent at our merch table. What did I do wrong, Paul? Was our new record too fast? I’m so, so sorry.”

Immunologists have begun researching the effects that age may have on receptiveness towards auditory stimuli.

“It appears to take almost 4 decades before the human body can start creating enough antibodies to deflect the intoxicating qualities of new music,” explained Dr. Miroslav Funkel, head of immunology research at Montana State University. “Music’s effects on the body and mind can be treacherous, it can cause fans to spend exorbitant amounts of money and also lead to spending prolonged periods of time in filthy, unsafe basements. We are currently working to develop treatments which will allow for inoculation against music at earlier ages, possibly as early as the late teens.”

Yarborough’s immunity has reportedly reached a new level of strength, as he is finally selling all of his guitars, amps, and pedals on Reverb.

+30 Button On Microwave Finally Gives Out

Posted on June 18, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Local punk household, “The Underground Failroad,” is grieving for their microwave, which is considered “no longer functional” after the +30 button gave out, sources with frozen Hot Pockets confirmed.

“I gotta say, I’m disappointed, but not surprised at all,” said resident Brea Stokes, as she reached for her reading glasses and an instruction manual that was shoved in the junk drawer. “But I’m hopeful. This thing says there are all sorts of power settings that you could use to warm up your food! Normally I would just mash the +30 button into complete submission until I knew for certain that I’d burn the ever-living shit out of my mouth. Who knew that it had a clock too! I dunno, I’m feeling better and better about this whole new world of potential!”

Longtime couchmate Larry McCall doesn’t share the same sentiment as Stokes, and demands that the microwave be replaced immediately.

“Brea is a lot more pragmatic than the rest of us, and it’s to a fault. She’s got a brain that’s on a whole ‘nother level, and that’s fine, but the rest of us depend on that +30 button,” said McCall while thawing a bag of french fries in the sun. “I only eat when completely swerving my tits off on edibles and whatever alcohol is left over from the night before, and I’m not about to hit ‘time cook, three, zero, start,’ and repeat the entire process over and over again until the entire frozen lasagna is done. That one single button is what’s holding this entire household together, and it either gets fixed, or I’m outta here.”

Area electronics expert Shawn Daggz says that this problem is a lot more common than one would think.

“It’s not out of the ordinary for a perfectly good microwave to end up in a landfill, or worse the ocean, over a malfunctioning +30 button,” said Daggz. “You can try your best to educate your roommates on how to defrost and use the various power cycles, but the sad reality is that the cycle of abuse we see will continue so long as the +30 option is available to the general public. It’s only natural for us to lean on our crutches until they break, and it’s the reality we have to live with.”

At press time, McCall was seen quietly sobbing while trying to eat a frozen Stouffer’s mac and cheese straight out of the freezer.

Top 8 Curse Words to Teach to Your Sister’s Toddler

Posted on June 18, 2022 by Josephine Ramos

Is your sister pissing you off? Are you in charge of her toddler for the next six hours while she gets sloppy wasted at girl’s night? Here are the eight best curse words to weaponize your three-year-old niece’s vocabulary.

Bastard Man

A sure-fire way to ruin any wedding, church service, or airplane ride is by bringing a manic toddler loaded up on obscenities. Before getting to the emotionally manipulating insults, “bastard man,” is a good one to start with.

Fuck

A classic. A video of a baby saying, “crap” doesn’t make it on America’s Funniest Home Videos. The real way to capitalize on that child is to cut out that weak shit and get them to say the big F-word for the world to hear. Make them the baddest kid at pre-school and a walking nightmare for the family.

Dickmunch

Dickmunch, like its brothers Assface and Turdbreath, remains a staple in introductory profanity. When working your way up from “crap” to “motherfucker,” “dickmunch” is definitely an important milestone.

Tax Collector

The first things a child should learn are the alphabet, please and thank you, and that the scumbag puppets of an exploitative economic system are called tax collectors. Gotta teach ‘em young. Because when “boot-licker thief” isn’t hurtful enough, there’s always “tax collector.”

Phony Bologna

If I grew up thinking Disney channel dropped the equivalent of an F-bomb every episode, I might have watched more television and stayed off the streets.

Nerd

Imagine you are minding your own business and some illiterate little dweeb calls you a nerd straight to your face. Devastating blow, but as long as you are more cognitively developed than this three-year-old child, then its technically accurate. Can’t even argue it without proving the little twerp right.

Gaslighter Son of a Bitch

One day that kid is going to find out Santa Claus isn’t any more real than the tooth fairy, or how the family dog that ran away to the country is just straight up dead. The kid is going to catch people in lies, and she’ll need a good way to call them out.

Neutral Milk Hotel Fan

The kid needs to know the difference between good music and whatever the hell is on her father’s On Avery Island CD. At least someone in the family should teach the kid about real music. Like System of a Down.

God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented

Posted on June 18, 2022 by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that our Lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.

Indeed God’s plan can seem confounding when misfortune falls upon us. That’s what makes it all the more satisfying when the machinations of his grand design become perfectly clear.

When Christian Rock band Lion’s Den lost their drummer Gabriel Sommers in a fatal car accident, the remaining members couldn’t help but question why it had to happen. Then they auditioned drummer Gideon Parks, and it became abundantly clear why Sommers had to die.

We asked the surviving members of the original Lion’s Den lineup to give us some insight into their recent loss turned into absolute gain.

“When Gabriel passed, I would pray with his mother, and all she could do was ask God why her son was taken from her so young. I didn’t know what to say at the time, but now I know exactly why God let that drunk guy kill Gabriel. I can’t wait to tell Mrs. Sommers the good news!”
Peter Hutchins, frontman

“Not only is Gideon twice the drummer Gabriel was, but he’s also so much cooler than Gabriel! He’s got a tattoo, he knows the shit out of scripture, and he’s a blast on tour! Last week in Vegas he talked us all into splitting a nip of banana schnapps and we stayed up till 11:30 at night watching Seinfeld reruns! We had to pray pretty hard to wash that debauchery away but it was worth it!”
Adam Heath, lead guitar

“I used to question God’s plan when he allowed children to be slaughtered in schools, but now my eyes were open. Now I know that every one of those kids was going to grow up to be a drummer that would hold their band back.”
Michael Sinclair, bass

“Gideon helped us tighten the heck out of our tribute song to Gabriel and now it’s our most played track on Spotify, so that’s two reasons God murdered Gabriel right there!”
Shawn Hemmings, rhythm guitar

Opening Band Blows Audience Away With Half-Working Christmas Lights Draped Over Drum Set

Posted on June 17, 2022 by Dave McNamara

WORCESTER, Mass. – Local shoegaze band Snooze Pedal thrilled audience members by using half a string of Dollar General Christmas lights to illuminate the stage during their set, confirmed multiple sources who swear they will tell their grandchildren about what they saw.

“I had the idea during a practice last week and the guys were skeptical at first because they said it would be ‘too flashy’ but eventually they came around,” said drummer Tyler Jefferies. “We had some friends come to our rehearsal space to check it out and they were floored. They said it was ‘like watching The Arcade Fire in their prime, but way better’ and it’s really all because of those lights. My mom told me I better have them back the day after Thanksgiving or she’d have my ass, but we only have one gig booked for the rest of the year so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Fans in attendance were floored by the advanced stage setup.

“When the drummer asked the tech to kill the stage lighting I thought, oh please not another gimmicky guitar cab with lights for speakers. But then the Christmas lights came on and I thought… ‘whoa!’ Then the lights started twinkling and I thought to myself ‘this is like Christmas Eve on quaaludes!” said show attendee Damarr White. “I can’t say that I remember their songs too well. Sounded like a distorted skill saw run through six reverb pedals, but those lights really made the show!”

Chaz Davis, longtime production manager for the iconic metal band Iron Maiden says concert optics are something that can separate your band from the pack.

“It’s all about the show, mate. You gotta wow the punters with a bit of razzle-dazzle or they’re gonna spend their money on Kiss tickets instead, and at that point, you might as well just flush your money down the toilet,” said Davis while setting up a series of pyrotechnic blasts. “This tour we built a fire-breathing Eddie robot that shoots flames ten feet over the audiences’ heads. We have a laser Union Jack beamed over the arena and enough dry ice to reverse global warming. If you don’t burn your mark on the audiences’ brains, they’ll forget you as soon as they leave the car park.”

Following the positive reaction to the Christmas lights, Snooze Pedal hopes to further enhance their stage show by buying one of those “old-timey looking Elvis microphones.”

Ugh: This Influencer Is Right About Social Issue

Posted on June 17, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

Listen, we’ve all been in this situation before. You take a little break in your day and decide to sneak a peek at your phone. Five minutes turns into 3 hours, and now some annoying influencer fuck decides to grace your ears with their opinion on the hot button social issue dominating your news feed. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, they’re objectively correct.

One second I’m watching some guy putting hundreds of rubber bands on a watermelon to see when the thing pops, while simultaneously ignoring the intrusive thoughts begging me to try that out on body parts of my own, and the next second I’m hearing a succinct and accurate narration of the student debt crisis over video footage of an influencer filling up a kiddie pool with strawberry-banana jello.

Somebody’s gotta speak the truth I guess, even if that somebody just spilled 50 gallons of jello on their neighbor’s front lawn.

The simple solution to my problem is to not watch anymore. Except it’s not that simple. I need something to get me through my dreadful minimum wage job. It turns out that watching someone nodding their head and pointing at captions that support an increase in the minimum wage is the only entertainment the algorithm will grant me.

It cannot be emphasized enough, I wholeheartedly agree with the assertion that universal healthcare is a fundamental human right. But if I have to see one more influencer whip out a ukulele and subject me to their little quirky show tune, I might just have to change my deeply held beliefs and morals so I’m not associated with these fucking weirdos.

I’m no conspiracy nutjob, but this 1000% has to be some government psyop shit aimed at dissuading potential progressive voters. This is the same shit they pulled with Green Day’s American Idiot, except that backfired and millions of teenagers began wearing thick black eyeliner instead.

I’m just so sick of it. If I wanted to hear a bunch of out-of-touch assholes obnoxiously point out actual flaws within our society and then stand by and watch as nothing fundamentally changes, I’d just talk to any politician in the Democratic party.

Quiz: Are You Horny Enough to Go to The Ren-Faire?

Posted on June 17, 2022 by Dan Rice

It’s getting entirely too hot to be outside and you know what that means: It’s Renaissance Faire season!

Baking in a parking lot all day wearing period-appropriate tight leather attire isn’t something a sane person would do by choice, let alone pay for, which is why horniness is the lifeblood of the Ren-Faire industry.

Gather round ye wenches and swordsmen and submit yourself to this rousing inquisition to determine if you’re Renaissance Faire horny or just stay at home and masturbate for free horny, if ye dare!

Does the sight of people sweating in their leather bodices make paying $25 for a smoked turkey leg in 90-degree heat seem appetizing and reasonable?
Maybe it isn’t poultry ye truly hungers for, if ye catch me meaning!

Is the opportunity to publicly indulge in thinly veiled kink play worth literally all of your money?
If you’re ready to shell out $500 for a hand-crafted flogger first and worry about rent later, welcome home.

Are you so fucking horny?
Like just, “I am literally going to fucking explode” horny? Then maybe you need to be where people get you.

Are you interested in spending $65 on organic honey sold by an attractive cosplayer?
Nothing makes the selling power of local honey’s curative properties hit harder than a period-appropriate corset or codpiece, depending on ye’s fancy.

Have you burnt yourself out on every Game of Thrones sex scene?
Even Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth? Stop taking this quiz and go pay the $40 zero-inclusive entry fee immediately m’lady or lord!

Does a man dressed as an old-timey blacksmith selling hentai out of a tent for some reason seem normal to you?
If he wasn’t a legitimate merchant, why would they let him have a tent in a parking lot?

Does candle making just kinda do it for you?
Like, REALLY do it for you?

Do you feel no need to question why a bunch of the ren fair people are pirates because pirates are also very sexy to you?
Ren fair just means time-sexy, right?

Have you been deprived of sex long enough to have mastered archery?
Maybe you should go to the one place where that means something!

Do you love horses, because of their majesty?
Best not to unpack this one just get to the ren fair asap!

Do you walk around all day wishing for an excuse to call total strangers wenches, bastards and harlots?
That’s not appropriate no matter where you are, but at the ren fair people are 10% more likely to dismiss you as a harmless drunk loser, so have at it?

Did it not occur to you that there would be kids at this god damn thing?
Whoops.

If you answered yes to 3 or more of these questions then huzzah fair traveler, the Renaissance Faire welcomes ye with open arms and an off-putting lack of boundaries. If ye answered yes to two or less questions than nay, begone ye from thy leathery fields of frivolous spending and just go on PornHub.

Man Bun Full Of Raisins

Posted on June 17, 2022 by Chester Stillwater

EUGENE, Ore. — A local man bun was discovered to be full of gross raisins, sources who had already made it home with the bun and aren’t going back now confirmed.

“We met at hot yoga, and the first thing I noticed about him was that he had what must be a huge, Fabio-like mane of golden-brown hair tied up into a tight bun,” recalled Skye Galagos. “After some small talk, I asked him if he wanted to go out sometime. We went on a picnic a few weeks later. When he let down his hair, imagine my disgust when I saw it was full of raisins. And it wasn’t even caramel holding it all together — it was that gross royal icing or whatever that totally chips apart when you touch it. Barf.”

The man bun’s coworkers have also noticed the raisins at the bike shop where its owner works.

“I’ve dated a lot of guys who you might describe as ‘trustafarians’ so I’m used to the occasional centipede or weed nug falling out of my date’s hair,” said coworker Scott, “You get used to it and sometimes they have a pencil or something in there that you can use. But raisins attract ants, and they are somehow worse when you don’t expect them. That bun is dripping with raisins, and they’re not even the green kind, they’re the brown ones. How has everyone not switched to craisins by now anyway?”

An executive at Grandma Rickett’s, the nation’s third-largest manufacturer of raisin-filled pastries, explained the presence of raisins in otherwise perfectly acceptable places.

“Frankly, all market research indicates that the public hates raisins,” said Ellen Cheng, VP of Development. “But we put them in everything because, to be perfectly honest, pastries are not our bread and butter, no pun intended! We primarily make space-capable optics for the global weapons and surveillance industry. The grapes are just a byproduct of our top-secret manufacturing process, and we use them up to take advantage of certain farm subsidies.”

At press time, the bun had achieved peak disgustingness after an attempt to reheat it in the microwave.

Wife Installs Breathalyzer Lock on Husband’s Acoustic Guitar

Posted on June 16, 2022 by Ted Pillow

DETROIT — Frustrated wife Hannah Gerhardt figured out how to install a breathalyzer on her husband’s acoustic guitar which would keep the hardshell case locked until he sobered up, confirmed impressed and relieved sources after taking out their ear plugs.

“This wasn’t an easy DIY job, but somebody needed to stop him from downing a bunch of hard lemonades and ruining every social gathering with his god awful version of ‘Hey There Delilah,’” Gerhardt explained while putting away tools in the garage. “I went down to one of those places that install breathalyzers in your car if you get too many DUIs. I bought one and managed to modify it to work on my husband Paul’s old Fender. He’s got to blow into this little mouthpiece and if his BAC is above .08, it activates a lock that holds the strings in place and doesn’t let them vibrate. Now, if I can just find a way to prevent my husband from speaking, moving, or thinking while drunk, I’ll be all set!”

Hannah’s husband, Paul Gerhardt, was less enthusiastic about her crafty handiwork.

“This is total bullshit!” Paul slurred while stumbling around his kitchen trying to stuff Doritos in his mouth and mostly missing. “Everyone loves when I play guitar. And when I’m a little drunk, that just helps unleash my creative energy and fearless performance skills. What’s the big deal, anyway? No one ever got hurt from mixing booze and music, except for I guess Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, all of Guns ‘N’ Roses, and everyone at Woodstock ’99.”

Experts believe that Hannah Gerhardt’s invention could be easily replicated, and may in fact become common practice across the country.

“The Supreme Court is closely monitoring this situation,” noted Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “Sloppy, drunken acoustic guitar playing is a menace to society, a cruel and unusual punishment inflicted on anyone who’s ever been to a frat party, hung out around a campfire, or generally been in the vicinity of a white male trying to get laid. If Mrs. Gerhardt’s solution is effective, we are considering mandatory guitar breathalyzer locks for anyone convicted of covering a Sublime or Jack Johnson song in public. And, ‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ by Green Day would be treated as aggravated assault.”

As of press time, Hannah Gerhardt was last seen installing household breathalyzer locks on the karaoke machine, microwave, and drawer they keep all of their weed in.

Dog Uses Talking Buttons to Tell Filthiest Version of “The Aristocrats” Yet

Posted on June 16, 2022 by Tracy Kellett

MOBILE, Ala. — Local family The Jensens are in disbelief after the dog they adopted used his talking buttons to tell a version of “The Aristocrats” that is somehow darker and viler than any version previously told.

“When we saw him listed for free on Facebook Marketplace, it was love at first sight,” described Mary Jensen of their first encounter with the newest (now former) family member, Mr. Tummy Sprinkles. “He was listed as great with kids, and his previous owners explained they trained him to communicate through talking buttons. He sounded more like a babysitter than a dog, which frankly was pretty appealing. But the day after we got him home, filth spewed from that furry beast like the ghost of Gilbert Gottfried got ahold of a Teddy Ruxpin. I don’t know if we’ll ever fully recover.”

Jensen’s son, Mikey, horrifically recalled the extent of Mr. Tummy Sprinkle’s verbal abuse.

“I wanted him to sleep in bed with me, but he spent all night organizing his dumb buttons. At first, I thought it was kinda neat,” the eight-year-old said. “He mentioned walking into a talent agency, so I thought maybe he knew how to sit or roll over, but he never did any tricks. He talked about fetching and belching at the same time, which I’ve seen my Dad do, so who cares? By the time he mentioned he had kids, I wasn’t even excited about maybe getting puppies. My mom started screaming and threw him outside. Then we got froyo!”

Mr. Tummy Sprinkles described how the afternoon didn’t end quite so sweetly for him.

“Can you believe it?” Mr. Tummy Sprinkles tapped aggressively. “Bitch comes in and makes the kid miss the punchline. No light, no warning, just a grab by the collar and swift kick to the chopped nuts out the doggy door. What’s the point of describing human-centipeding my own family straight raw dog for 35 minutes if I don’t even get to say The Aristocrats?!”

At press time Mr. Tummy Sprinkles had been rehomed to a one-bedroom apartment where he continues to be doted on by eight open-mic comics.

Photo courtesy of YouTube.