You’ve heard the excuses, and you know the promoter has the money because he took a merch cut. Don’t worry though, he’s not going to let you walk out of here empty-handed. Here are 10 things the promoter can pay you in that isn’t cash.

Your Stolen Bike

Make no mistake, this is absolutely your bike that was stolen two weeks ago. The Promoter insists that he’s had this bike for years though, and that you must have good taste. It might not be a bad idea to run outside real quick and make sure your gear trailer is still attached to the van.

Bootleg Clerks 2 VHS

This might have been worth something in 2006, but the movie’s been out for years now, and you or someone you know probably owns an actual copy of the DVD. He doesn’t understand why that matters though. This one is “special” (he recorded it himself), and insists that it’s “probably worth a lot.”

Mystery Meat

He thinks it’s pork, but it might be horse. Or something else. Whatever it is, he claims it tastes great, and there’s a lot of it. It’s in the basement deep freeze if you want to go take a look at it.

Seeds

You’ve probably been offered drugs by promoters before, but like, actual drugs, not seeds to grow them yourself. He swears it’s “good shit.” In fact, you should be so honored to be offered the seeds from his signature strain. Looking closely at the bag there are some sesame and poppy seeds in there. There’s a chance this is just everything bagel seasoning.

The Nuclear Codes

Supposedly a “friend of a friend of a friend” went to Mar-A-Lago, came back with these, and gave them to him. They’re written on a napkin, but it’s a McDonald’s napkin, so who knows, they could be real. While they probably aren’t, it might not hurt to tell somebody about this, just in case.

Kohl’s Cash

He doesn’t know exactly how much he has because it’s actually his wife’s, but he’s pretty sure it’d get you at least one new outfit. You’ll have to wait though, because he and his wife are fighting right now and so it isn’t a good time for him to ask her for it. You could use a new sweater, after all.

Whatever Is In His Pocket

He’s not going to outright give it to you, but if you can guess correctly it’s yours. You only get one guess though, not three. We’re not sure what kind of Bilbo Baggins bullshit he’s trying to pull, but whatever it is probably isn’t worth it anyway.

Live Snake

This breed of snake “isn’t exactly street legal” in the United States, but he insists it’s been doing a great job with the venue’s rat problem. The green room would say otherwise. He doesn’t keep the snake at the venue though, it’s at his friend Mike’s house, so you’d have to drive across town with him to check it out.

Porno Mag With Some Of The Pages Stuck Together

Look, it’s not cum, ok? Let’s just put it this way, this thing is, uh, well loved. It’s all wrinkled up, and the pages make a horrible crinkling sound when he turns them to show you the women featured in it. He makes it a point to claim that the women he’s slept with are actually way hotter.

The Gift Of Friendship

It’s pretty clear that you aren’t getting any money, and he’s run out of items to offer you. But he’s free this Saturday if you want to hang out. You have to drive though, because his license is suspended. As enticing as this offer is, maybe it’s best to just cut your losses and go home.