NEW HAVEN, Conn. — The American Association of Grandmothers laid out plans for a thorough investigation into precisely when their grandchildren became “so gosh-darn tall” during a press conference at their headquarters earlier today.
“We’ve been asking important questions regarding rapid height increases for years, and have consistently struggled to get clear answers. We simply want to know the exact date and time our grandchildren became so large,” said AAG representative Miriam Goodworth. “We want to be entirely clear that our intentions are not antagonistic, and we are not upset with anyone. This initiative is strictly for the purpose of information. If this still seems like too drastic of a method, well, maybe we wouldn’t have to do this if you called more often. ”
Some grandchildren of AAG members have expressed concerns about the upcoming investigation.
“Honestly, I always thought that question was rhetorical. Like, what am I even supposed to say?” asked Goodworth’s granddaughter, Elizabeth Fielding. “I mean, the answer hasn’t changed over the past 15 years. I reached this height around the later part of my teenage years, after a period of childhood growth punctuated by several shorter periods of more rapid growth which can be attributed to puberty, same as everybody else. Also, the question is confusing because I’m only five foot two, technically my grandmother is taller than me. I’d love another seven inches or so.”
Clara Fulbright, the AAG’s legal representative, says grandmothers have a legal right to know even more benign details.
“Firstly, we wish to stress that the Association is acting well within its rights, and the bounds of the law,” wrote Fulbright. “Private investigations and fact-finding methods of this type may be considered unorthodox, but this inquiry is perfectly legal. While some may consider the subject matter to be trivial, we have no obligation to base our activities on the basis of such unsolicited opinions. Furthermore, the accusations which have been leveled regarding our organization’s methods are totally unfounded. The AAG’s conduct has always been strictly above board. Accusations of ‘brutal’ interrogations are untrue and libelous, and we are willing to pursue legal action to defend our reputation.”
Ms. Fulbright declined to comment on rumors that the Pinkerton Detective Agency had been contracted by the AAG to assist in their investigation, saying only that she personally enjoyed a positive business relationship with the infamous private investigation firm.
He’s manipulative. He’s opportunistic. He’s a psychopathic charlatan and a hypocrite. Powell is a lot like my dad honestly, and only outranks him because he has tattoos.
At least if Henry was your dad it would all be over fast.
He hates his son because he accidentally killed his mother. At least he has a good reason for being crazy and hating his kid. The beef with my dad goes back to a television remote I broke in 1989. I was 4.
Pretty crappy to his son throughout the movie, but my own dad has scarred me more with a lot less electricity superpowers.
It took months of cold mountain isolation, alcohol withdrawal, and paranormal influence to get Jack to cave to his murderous impulses. For my dad, it took a screen door closing too loudly.
He would literally kill just to keep his grocery store open. Anyone that dedicated to workaholism is hiding from a pretty dysfunctional home life. Still, he’s a provider.
He’ll try to make you watch him kill people for sexual gratification, but he’ll never try to make you watch the New York Mets.
Okay, he kills people, but hey, he dresses up as Santa for Christmas! When we asked Dad to do it he said “only pedos do that.”
If there is a creature on this earth capable of being worse than a father can be, it’s a stepfather, but at least Jerry has the decency to sever ties with his secret past family before hitching up with yours. My dad took way too many “business trips” for a guy living off a disability scam.
Growing up my dad was pretty much constantly on the verge of murdering us all with a pair of hedge trimmers, and he damn sure wasn’t going to take us on a fun day at the lake first.
Leatherface is misunderstood. We all think of him as this wild skin wearing maniac, but the guy wears an apron. He has a methodical process. He’s a craftsman. He’s probably just looking to take someone under his wing and show them the ropes.
What’s scarier than the calls coming from inside the house? How about the calls not coming at all for huge lengths of time? Dad, did you really need 6 months and all the rent money to go get a 6 pack from the corner store?
Psycho 4 ends with Norman burning down the motel and declaring himself free and ready to settle down and start a family. He does have a track record of relapse, but there was never Psycho 5 so maybe he made it.
He’s slow to warm up, but once he murders you, scalps you, and uses your scalp and clothes to decorate a mannequin, he’s your best friend.
There’s no nightmare Freddy Krueger could throw my way scarier than that one I keep having about running into my dad at a race track and he’s not wearing any shoes. I dunno I can’t really describe it but it’s terrifying.
I would fully accept my dad’s serial killing if he at least had an appreciation for the arts.
My dad realistically would probably not lock himself in a theater to stalk and kill a troupe of young actors, but he would also never wear an owl mask for fun so, you know, give/take.
He has a descendant in the third one and he takes an interest in her life. It’s primarily an interest in convincing her to kill in his name, but it’s an interest.
Having lived life as a woman for 24 hours must have given him at least a higher level of insight than the man who explained to me that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
His methods are unorthodox and dangerous with a pretty low success rate, but at the end of the day, he wants you to learn a valuable life lesson, not get him another beer.
The scene where he yells at his mutant son for overpaying the hooker because he could have gotten him a cheaper hooker contains more familial warmth than any memory I have.
Through the years we’ve seen Lucy take on a number of roles. She’s a Harvard-educated doctor. She’s a pilot. She’s a gourmet chef. Why does her identity change so often? Her real name is Maxine Cornocova, and she’s on the FBI’s most-wanted list for casino fraud.
When Angelica was hard up for cash she sold everything she owned to make ends meet. When that wasn’t enough she had to choose between her prized persian cat, or her kneecaps. Fluffy was sold to a good home, but she never recovered from the betrayal.
You don’t suddenly fall in love with and move to America for Charles Finster without becoming persona non grata at every casino in Europe first.
From an early age Kimi was always a fearless sort who tended to lep before she looked. She’s lost it all on black more often than the average person has moved.
It turns out bingo can get pretty high stakes.
We’re of course referring to all of the actors in the Reptar suit. They all gamble and none of their lives are going great.
Ever wonder what brought Minka here from the old country to begin with? That’s right, gambling debts.
One look at an in-the-box Cynthia doll vs. Angelica’s and you can see this doll is no stranger to hard living.
The stresses of single fatherhood coupled with his innate timidness alway made Charles feel like he wasn’t the main character in his own life. Then, one night at a charity event, he discovered that he had a knack for poker. Winning made him feel big, like a real somebody. He has wasted tens of thousands of dollars chasing that high.
Susie’s singing talents took her all the way to Vegas where her lounge singing would bring her close to fame. Unfortunately her favorite song became the siren call of the slot machines. Before long she was hooked, staying up all hours of the night chasing jackpots and blowing off gigs.
We all know Betty is an avid sports fan. A little too avid. The telltale black eye her husband Howard gets every year when her team get eliminated from the playoffs implies there’s some serious money on the line.
Charlotte’s access to Mega Corp’s books helped her cover her massive gambling losses betting on women’s tennis matches for many years, but eventually the feds caught up with her.
Warn down from years of trying to out-maneuver Charlotte on the corporate ladder, Jonathan sought solace in the one thing that gave him a sense of control—blackjack.
Being a timid person in a relationship with a big personality like Betty can be stressful, so every few months to blow off steam Howard drives to the bad part of town and drops in on a back alley dice game to feel alive. He is usually robbed and beaten, but that’s become a part of it for him.
Didi’s favorite child psychologist sure has a lot of products under his belt. Books, videos, his own pay per minute hotline. With all of that money coming in it’s shocking that he still burns through it faster than he can make it. Lipschitz sufferers from a condition known as “Greyhound fever,” and it’s caused him to see the backside of a bookies hand on more than one occasion.