ROCHESTER, N.Y. — 43-year-old Van Halen fan Jared “Keyz” Keaton fulfilled his lifelong dream of playing the “Jump” synth intro at every Guitar Center location in the United States earlier this evening, several annoyed employees confirmed.
“Playing Eddie’s iconic 15 seconds of synth at 300 Guitar Center stores was the happiest day of my life by a longshot,” stated Mr. Keaton while adjusting his leopard print headband. “This was not easy. I had friends, family, and countless Guitar Center employees telling me I needed to stop pursuing this foolish dream. I’ve faced a lot of difficulties on my journey, like when I was in Wichita and one of the store regulars got so mad at me that he went home, picked up his dog, then had the thing bite my legs until I agreed to leave. But it’s all been worth it, I’ve given up my job, most of my life savings, and missed the birth of my son.”
Finger Lakes’ regional manager, Alex Chase, gave Mr. Keaton a warm hometown reception at the Guitar Center in Rochester.
“Knowing Jared wanted to finish this thing at home, in this mini-mall off the highway near the Chili’s, really means a lot,” said Mr. Chase while bleaching the showroom floor. “I dug out the best open-box Oberheim OB-X8 synth we had and set up some stage lighting, too. I just wish Jared’s wife hadn’t shown up with the new baby to confront him. It really took the vibe down when he pissed all over the divorce papers, but honestly it’s probably better that kid gets a fresh start.”
Professor of Music and Psychology Dr. Catalina Howard explained her clinical interpretation of Keaton’s experiment.
“Studies show that 85% of middle-aged men who listen to Van Halen’s ‘Jump’ act impulsively afterward,” said Dr. Howard. “This has been happening to men from ages 38 to 50 ever since the song debuted in 1984. It’s almost like a rite of passage. The most common response is attempted high kicks, and nearly all suffer long-term groin injuries. In Mr. Keaton’s case, impending fatherhood made him fixate on that synth intro so much that he believed this social experiment would give his life meaning.”
At press time, Keaton was heard whistling “Hot for Teacher,” as he toured local daycare centers with his infant son.