Press "Enter" to skip to content

Nation’s Grandmothers Announce Formal Inquiry Into When You Got So Tall

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — The American Association of Grandmothers laid out plans for a thorough investigation into precisely when their grandchildren became “so gosh-darn tall” during a press conference at their headquarters earlier today.

“We’ve been asking important questions regarding rapid height increases for years, and have consistently struggled to get clear answers. We simply want to know the exact date and time our grandchildren became so large,” said AAG representative Miriam Goodworth. “We want to be entirely clear that our intentions are not antagonistic, and we are not upset with anyone. This initiative is strictly for the purpose of information. If this still seems like too drastic of a method, well, maybe we wouldn’t have to do this if you called more often. ”

Some grandchildren of AAG members have expressed concerns about the upcoming investigation.

“Honestly, I always thought that question was rhetorical. Like, what am I even supposed to say?” asked Goodworth’s granddaughter, Elizabeth Fielding. “I mean, the answer hasn’t changed over the past 15 years. I reached this height around the later part of my teenage years, after a period of childhood growth punctuated by several shorter periods of more rapid growth which can be attributed to puberty, same as everybody else. Also, the question is confusing because I’m only five foot two, technically my grandmother is taller than me. I’d love another seven inches or so.”

Clara Fulbright, the AAG’s legal representative, says grandmothers have a legal right to know even more benign details.

“Firstly, we wish to stress that the Association is acting well within its rights, and the bounds of the law,” wrote Fulbright. “Private investigations and fact-finding methods of this type may be considered unorthodox, but this inquiry is perfectly legal. While some may consider the subject matter to be trivial, we have no obligation to base our activities on the basis of such unsolicited opinions. Furthermore, the accusations which have been leveled regarding our organization’s methods are totally unfounded. The AAG’s conduct has always been strictly above board. Accusations of ‘brutal’ interrogations are untrue and libelous, and we are willing to pursue legal action to defend our reputation.”

Ms. Fulbright declined to comment on rumors that the Pinkerton Detective Agency had been contracted by the AAG to assist in their investigation, saying only that she personally enjoyed a positive business relationship with the infamous private investigation firm.