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Hardcore Guy Finally Gets Around to Learning Rules of Hockey

HACKENSACK, N.J. — Local North Jersey hardcore scene member Brian Dobbs decided that after years of being a fervent fan of hockey, it was finally time to learn the rules of the game, friends reported.

“Hockey is beautiful, specifically the parts of it where players inflict physical harm on each other. It scratches that itch when my buddies and I aren’t picking fights at shows. But it turns out that outside brawling and teeth shattering there are actually rules on how to play,” said Dobbs. “I can’t believe I never noticed how complicated it was, frankly I just thought you got the puck in the net through brute force. Did you know you can’t hit a guy when his head is down, despite that being the best time to mow someone down? And don’t get me started on all those lines on the ice, they are all important.”

Bukowski’s friends were surprised it took him this long to understand the intricacies of the sport.

“Brian and I have been hockey fans since the ‘90s when the Devils were running the league fueled by pure violence. But I assumed by now he’d at least know what constitutes Icing. We’ve been to dozens of games and I honestly thought he was joking when he’d yell at the team to shoot the puck from ‘downtown’ as he called it,” said longtime friend Trevor Barnes. “I guess I never noticed since we’d always be drunk and trying to fight asshole Flyers fans from the Philly scene. I think once he gets a real grasp on the game he’ll finally understand that there’s a reason getting called for slashing is a bad thing.”

Sports bar owner Jeff Keely has spent the last few years helping hardcore guys like Dobbs understand hockey in an organic manner.

“We get packed out with hardcore crews during the big rivalry games, and I’ve always noticed there’d be guys who thought accumulating penalty minutes was a positive stat. I usually throw out some armchair coaching tips and let them comprehend the game through osmosis,” said Keely. “I can tell it’s working when I see them find something to finally talk to their fathers about or they make some sound but financially irresponsible sports bets. I’m just doing what I can for the scene.

As of press time, Dobbs tried utilizing his newfound hockey knowledge by joining a local beer league, but was quickly banned after beating up officials who kept correctly calling him for offsides on every play.

Photo by Keith Allison.