Jack Stebbins, Author at HARDTIMES

20 Sufjan Stevens Songs That Will Ruin This Sex Party

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Tim Sheard

It’s a normal problem: your friend brought you to this exclusive sex party, but you want to listen to Sufjan Stevens. Suddenly, you’re in a beautiful tony environment. This downtown loft has velvet curtains. The scented candles are a nice touch. Whoever is throwing this party has money. You might be the only newbie here; everyone here seems to know each other, or is at least familiar with the general mood. And you can tell – these are definitely people that want to listen to Sufjan Stevens during an orgy. Where’s that aux cord? This Sade and D’Angelo playlist is working OK, but it’s time to bring the level of sincere earnestness up in this room. Group sex is always improved with tragic ballads and whimsical instrumentation. You’ve come ready with condoms, lube and a rich playlist of spiritual heartbreak pop – let’s get ready to fuck!

“All of the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands”

Has there ever been a sexier title to a song? This title alone will get the groove going. Also it’s from Sufjan’s album on Christian themes, ‘Seven Swans’ from 2004. Everyone is lounging on these couches in cuddle puddles, passing around spliffs and making out. Surely they want to talk about their religious experiences. You proudly walk around saying, “More like ‘All of the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Cheeks,’ amirite? Hum along loudly to let everyone know what a big Sufjan fan you are.

“John Wayne Gacy Jr.”

Get everyone at the orgy hot and bothered by bringing up one of America’s most notorious serial killers. Sufjan’s dulcet tones express the horror of discovering bodies under the floorboards, while bodies writhe on conveniently-placed mattresses. The folks on the balcony hot tub seem to enjoy this track. It’s just rude that everyone is too distracted to compliment you on your clown makeup.

“Carrie & Lowell”

Remember that nice couple you met at the start of the party? Mike and Susan? You try singing the start of this song to them, replacing the title names with their names. Unfortunately they’re a bit distracted, both being fucked by strangers. That’s alright, you’ll catch up with them later. They’re gonna love this bit.

“My Little Red Fox”

You walk around the party, trying to talk about the new Sufjan Stevens album, how heartbreaking and devastating the material is. Nobody really wants to engage and at this point, most people are pretty busy in the bedrooms. That’s alright, all the more reason to go to the kitchen and make a snack. Perhaps pop in your AirPods and give the new Sufjan album a listen while at this fuck party. Plus now you have this bowl of martini olives all to yourself, so it’s only uphill. Also, the cake they ordered is surprisingly delicious. You find the name of the bakery on the box and write it down in your Notes app for later. Who knew orgy cake was so good?

“Romulus”

The next song to come up is from his 2003 album ‘Michigan.’ This one is so good, you have to share it with the crowd. Find a mini-Bluetooth speaker and walk into the different bedrooms blasting this somber tune. Swinging couples definitely need lyrics like “When my turn came
/ I was ashamed,” to know that they’re having a good time. No performance issues while Sufjan Stevens is blasting!

“Lady Macbeth in Chains”

A crowd of people fucking each other absolutely love allusions to Shakespeare. Blast this sweetly sung tune to the sweaty swinging couples. If anyone asks, you can readily respond that this is from his 2021 collaboration with Angelo De Augustine. That catchy chorus is undeniable, even as people begin to ask you to politely go away.

“Will Anybody Ever Love Me?”

At this point the party is fully swinging, which is a perfect time to walk around loudly singing lyrics like, “Will anybody ever love me? / For good reasons, without grievance / Not for sport.” Look people dead in the eyes as they’re inside other guests, create a real moment of bonding. Hell, you even brought a sealed vinyl of his latest album ‘Javelin,’ which people have mostly been using to pass around coke.

“O Come O Come Emmanuel”

Clearly you chose this for the clever title. Unfortunately nobody else notices. You point this out to people actively achieving orgasm, totally disinterested. “Is this a fucking Christmas song, dude?” someone asks. You just turn the volume up on the Bluetooth speaker. Counteract any negativity by blasting this centuries-old Christian hymn, sung by your boy Sufjan.

“Visions of Gideon”

Remember how good that movie ‘Call Me By Your Name’ was? If people aren’t as receptive to talking about Sufjan, maybe you can chat about movies. Maybe swap Letterboxd info? Get our phone out, wave it around and ask people what their “Top 4” are. Strike up a chat with the voyeurs. The men standing at the edges of the room pleasuring themselves seem to be super into this song.

“Happy Birthday”

The friend that brought you here is very popular. Everyone seems to love them! Between the double penetration and busy hands, you forget that it’s your friend’s birthday. You go up to them and play this song from Sufjan’s first album ‘A Sun Came.’ They politely smile but wave you away, distracted by the face-level genitalia surrounding them. That’s alright, you’ll play this track for them on the car ride home.

“Chicago”

This is it. Time to get the spirits lifted with this anthem. Maybe swap out the tiny Bluetooth speaker and instead connect directly into the home speaker system. Make sure it’s loud enough for the people fucking upstairs to hear you. Hey, is that someone tapping their toe in the bathroom line? At least someone is into this!

“Too Much”

Sufjan’s experimental pivot on 2010’s ‘The Age of Adz’ is so brave, similar to how brave you are in even coming here. You try to discuss this sense of courage with young disinterested swingers taking body shots off people twice their age. Some dude buried by bodies in the other room yells, “Play something else. Play literally anything else.” You get it, some people prefer Sufjan’s earlier work. You’re just trying to find a happy medium for everyone to enjoy his masterful artistry at this sex party.

“Holland”

Walk around the party and ask people, “So do you think he’ll ever complete the ‘50 States’ album project or what?” This one is a bit slower pace, so feel free to vibe out and just drink in the entire scene. Moans surround you. You are in an ocean of limbs. Someone begins nibbling on your ear, but they walk away as soon as you start singing to yourself. Some people just don’t get it, man.

“Should Have Known Better”

Honestly, that entire 2015 album ‘Carrie & Lowell’ is such an aphrodisiac. In between tears while considering the album’s emotional heft, feel free to discuss your childhood trauma with guests at the fuck party. You ask one woman if she’s ever been left at a video store (per the lyrics of this song), but she says video stores weren’t really around anymore when she was a kid. This only increases your urge to hide in the bathroom and cry. Luckily the host has provided plenty of Kleenex boxes, sanitary wipes and bottles of mouthwash to help you freshen up.

“The Ascension”

At this point you might start getting some pushback. A man covered in latex has made a formal complaint against you. You’ve basically been playing Sufjan Stevens for the entire sex party. The host even had a playlist planned. Point out how Sufjan’s work is perfect for post-coital relaxation; everyone can metaphysically dive into the fleeting nature of life and love. Somehow the crowd just ain’t buying it. It also doesn’t help that you’re wearing his concert tee.

“The Dress Looks Nice On You”

An absent-minded compliment to a stranger (the same title as this song) soon truly drags you into the party. Off goes the belt and you find yourself in a dark room with strangers, sensations you’ve only dreamed of. You quickly put a stop to the lusty embraces. “Not today!” you shout, hurrying back to the main room so you can continue talking with guests about Sufjan Stevens.

“Celebration I”

Word of your poor etiquette spreads around the gangbang. Your friend is deeply embarrassed. You reason with the group and switch to his more ambient-leaning album. No lyrics, less distracting and heavy, right? If only they understood that his 2021 album ‘Convocations’ explores the “five “stages of grief.” This is exactly the kind of energy you want to bring to any social event, especially one where casual sex is involved.

“Enchanting Ghost”

At this point, people are pretty displeased, even with such a lovely song as 2010’s “Enchanting Ghost.” Words like “buzzkill” are being thrown around. People are dunking on you for “a complete lack of rizz.” This simply isn’t the aesthetic they are going for. You are politely asked to leave the sexy party. It’s almost like nobody actively fucking wants to think about religious symbolism or emotionally-wrought abstractions sung by someone with the voice of an angel.

“City of Roses”

Right as you try to explain that ‘The Greatest Gift’ is an album filled with unreleased tracks from ‘Carrie & Lowell,’ you are quickly shown the door. It’s been enough spreading dread and contemplation for one evening, especially at a gathering that is supposed to be fun, kinky and relaxing. I guess no one here wants to explore the cruelty of existence and longing! On the way out, let everyone know you’re on Spotify in case anyone wants the Sufjan playlist that played while everyone fucked.

“Casimir Pulaski Day”

Once you’ve been thrown out of the sex party, return with a portable speaker. Blast this outside the loft windows. People will hastily dress themselves, crawl to the window, and finally understand this song. You’ll win them over with this beautiful tune from his 2005 ‘Illinois’ album, which is actually your favorite album for getting down. Isn’t it the same for everyone else? There truly is no greater joy on Earth than non-committal sex scored by Sufjan Stevens.

Photo by Nina Corcoran.

8 Socially Acceptable Reasons To Scream “Fuckin’ Slayer!” Directly Into the Faces of Passersby

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Chris Bowen

As you probably know, FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRR! But unfortunately, there are some people out there who are unaware. Yes, I know, it is very sad. What’s even more sad is the fact that not everyone enjoys having FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRR yelled at them. But sometimes, it is necessary. Here are several scenarios that without a doubt, warrant a good FUCKIN’ SLAYYYYERRRRing.

1. You’re Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt and You Notice Another Person Also Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt

Okay, this is an obvious one. Everyone knows about the instant bond two people in Slayer t-shirts share. But what better way to acknowledge it other than to run right up to them and scream your love for Slayer right in their face? Careful, they might beat you to it!

2. You’re Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt, and You Notice a Person Who Isn’t Wearing a Slayer T-Shirt

How dare they own a shirt without the mighty Slayer’s logo on it, let alone wear it in public? Don’t they realize they’re like the only metal band ever to exist? Better throw up those horns and let em’ have it!

3. You See a Distracted Pedestrian Crossing the Road Into Oncoming Traffic

Oh no! That person is texting on their phone and is about to be hit by a bus! Sure, they might not be a Slayer fan, but you don’t want to see them get turned into meat sauce! FUCKIN’ SLAYER could be the phrase that makes them realize the fragility of life, or it could be the last thing they hear before being pulverized. Better hurry!

4. You Notice an Individual at a Table Across From You Being Rude to Their Server

“Does this steak look like it’s medium rare? I ordered medium rare. This is bullshit, and I ain’t paying for any of this.” Then boom, you give them the FUCKING SLAYERing of a lifetime. Look at that: They leave that poor waitress a nice fat 30% tip out of fear of looking like a fucking poser.

5. Someone is Having a Medical Emergency Such as a Seizure or Heart Attack, and You Need a Medical Professional Immediately

“FUCKIN’ SLAYER” is basically the same as “is there a doctor in the house?!” Pro tip: it works better if you’re yelling into the faces of anyone but the person who actually needs assistance.

6. You Notice a Person Who Simply Looks Like They Could Use Some “Fuckin’ Slayer” in Their Life

A life without Fuckin’ Slayer is not a life worth living. Although it’s important to respect those who choose to live a life without it. But how do they really know if they don’t want Slayer in their lives if they’ve never had it screamed directly into their face by some random fan? It’s up to you to open that door for them.

7. You Come Across a “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” Cosplayer

Proceed with this one with caution. It might not be worth it, unless you want a wooden stake fashioned from an old sofa leg jammed into your chest.

8. You’ve Decided on Naming Your Child FUCKIN’ SLAYER

The doctor brings out your new little bundle of joy, you look in his face for the first time then mutter the words, “There he is, little FUCKIN’ SLAYER junior.” It’s a beautiful feeling.

So-Called Punk Owns Second Set of Sheets

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Dom Turek

JOLIET, Ill. — Squatmate of the infamous Hell House Rodney “Worm” Mason is facing doubt from his peers after they discovered he owns not just one, but two sets of sheets, multiple sources sleeping on top of a bare mattress confirmed.

“If his sheets are on his bed, what’s he using to cover his windows?” asked fellow squatter Dan “Maggot” McDermott. “I first suspected he was selling out when I saw him framing his posters, but the 500 thread count sheet set really drove it home for me. What’s next, using a pillowcase instead of a dirty t-shirt, or a duvet cover instead of an army tarp? Where do we draw the line? We need to take a stand against this consumerist yuppie shit, else it’s a slippery slope from here.”

The contraband sheets were discovered by Sarah “Smells” Martin, who broke into Worm’s room and rifled through his drawers looking for spare weed to complete their half-rolled spliff.

“I’ve stumbled upon some pretty horrific shit while going through people’s stuff looking for things to pawn or smoke, but this takes the cake,” said scene veteran Martin. “I’m talking dead ferrets, ziplock bags full of baby teeth, and even an earring with part of someone’s ear still attached to it, but to find two sets of breathable bamboo sheet sets and even a memory foam mattress topper…it’s bone-chilling. I’ve never felt so betrayed”

The backlash hardly comes as a surprise to Worm, who says this type of hyperbolic reaction is “routine” at the dilapidated residence.

“The only reason I even bought a second set of sheets is because someone pissed on my first set, and then accidentally set fire to my bed while trying to dry the area with a space heater,” said Worm. “Everyone’s had it out for me since discovering I wash my jeans instead of sticking them in the freezer. I just hope they don’t find out about the hypoallergenic throw blanket I recently bought wholesale from Target, or I think they’ll all actually kill me.”

At press time, members of the squat were seen making plans to forcibly remove Worm from the premises after discovering he was using soap to wash the dishes instead of just rinsing them with hose water.

Help! I Just Remembered My Karaoke Song Has That One Really High Note

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Jessica Lillian

Hey, uh, bit of a situation here. I’m a few measures into my song and just realized I made a grave mistake. The bridge has this one high note I forgot about that I can’t hit. Like, at all.

I’m not panicking just yet. I’ve got options. Now the easiest would be a natural disaster. Can someone check the weather app and see if there’s a violent lightning storm headed straight for Calvin’s Sing & Sizzle Shack in the next 90 seconds? Maybe a tsunami? Yes, I know we’re in Missouri. It’s the season of miracles, guys.

Fine. So maybe a “natural” disaster that’s not quite natural, if you catch my drift? I’m not suggesting arson, but look, if anyone wants to casually drop a lit match onto a table that just happens to be soaked in kerosene, I’d really appreciate it.

Right now would be perfect, my man in the front who looks like a chain smoker. I’ll pull the alarm and we’ll all get out safely, don’t worry. Light smoke inhalation and a second-degree burn will be less painful than hearing my tortured vocal cords try to wail out the upcoming high note, believe me.

Okay. Now we’ve hit the second verse and I’m sweating. Is it too late to drop an octave? I could do a gravelly growl. Whole grunge vibe, right? I feel like that cute girl at the table over there would be into it. She’s staring at me already, and I’m sure it’s not because of the gruesome pit stains expanding across my entire shirt.

Never mind, she’s leaving. The bridge is here, and it’s do or die. I choose to die. Someone hand me one of those chicken yakitori skewers coming out of the kitchen. After a few convincing guttural coughs and spit-out chicken bits, I just have to fling my mic down and frantically make the universal choking sign as I crumple onto the floor.

I think they’re buying it. A burly guy yelling he’s a part-time EMT is making his way over. Heimlich me to death, dude. Break every bone in my body. I never thought a fake choking episode flat on my back on a sticky faux wood floor that smells like garlic and tequila was how I’d go, but I’m ready. Send me to the big hibachi grill in the sky.

Hold up, the EMT says I’m “totally fine.” Now the owner’s coming over with a glass of water and everyone in the bar is cheering for me. You know what, change the song. I’m gonna do “Bohemian Rhapsody” instead.

Aging Anarcho-Punk Band Now Identifies More As Centrist Liberal Punk Band

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

SAN FRANCISCO — Members of renowned San Francisco Anarcho-Punk band Reagan Splinter announced that in the past few years, they’ve moved away from their original anarcho-punk label and now view themselves as a “centrist liberal punk band.”

“Something about San Francisco lately, it’s made me start to think maybe a little structure is what America needs,” said bassist and lead-singer Gordon Davis. “I used to sing songs about smashing the government, abolishing private property, and overthrowing Capitalism. You know, I wrote that one… ‘Guillotine the Bankers,’ that’s a really popular one at our shows. But that’s not me anymore. Now I live and let live. And also, I’ve really started to relate to the ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ mantra. And also I ‘Live Mas,’ because I’m sponsored by Taco Bell.”

Loyal fans like Seattle’s Jason Kelly have noticed a change in the band’s politics over the past few years.

“They no longer play ‘Every Politician Can Suck My Ass,” “Dead Whales,” or “Grandma Got Run Over by a Tank” at shows anymore because they claim those songs no longer represent their ethos. Last time I saw them live they actually had a table to get people registered to vote, it made me sick,” said Kelly. “I remember they used to do these abrasive punk covers of Phil Ochs songs. But now they reworked their song ‘Peace or Destruction’ as ‘Peace or We’re Voting.’ Then, they told us if we were going to go out and protest Israel, we should ‘Not get too crazy with it’ and to remember that ‘Cops are just doing their jobs.’ It was a really weird show.”

While most punk acts, especially ones with histories of violent lyrics and multiple arrests for trying to burn police cars, don’t often gain universal appeal, Reagan Splinter has gained one new loyal fan: U.S. Senator Joe Manchin.

“The thing about me is I never really cared about punk music,” said Senator Manchin. “And these guys… they used to make all these statements about how Congress has blood on its hands. Now they all tweet at us about income tax reform and making sure we have legislation that strengthens the middle class. And their music has just gotten better and better. They rock!”

At press time, Reagan Splinter were slated to play their newest song “Democracy is For the People” while appearing on “Real Time With Bill Maher.”

Dad Waiting for Lull at Christmas Dinner to Rant About Woke Mind Virus

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Doug Kolic

AUBURN, N.Y. – Local dad and notorious shit disturber Walter Morris patiently waited for a lull during his family’s lovely Christmas dinner to launch into a tirade about the woke mind virus, according to sources doing their best to keep the conversation flowing.

“This year I’m gonna bide my time and wait for my opportunity to pounce,” stated Morris who was champing at the bit to rant about topics like the increase in non-white & LGBTQ+ Disney characters. “I promised my wife I wouldn’t bring up anything I read on Reddit unless we ran out of things to talk about, but this is getting annoying. If there isn’t a break in this unending conversation soon, I won’t be able to warn everyone about the serious disease threatening the entire world, except for places like Russia and China who are thankfully fighting back for our collective freedom. I’ll just keep pounding these screwdrivers until I get my chance.”

Morris’ daughter Brooke described her family’s coordinated effort to keep her father quiet.

“We can’t give him an opening otherwise we’ll be listening to right-wing talking points all night,” said a dry-mouthed Brooke. “We’ve already discussed everything from the Icelandic volcano to intricate details about our dog’s intestinal issues, and there’s still two courses left. After dad ruined Christmas last year by going off about Hunter Biden’s laptop right in the middle of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ we made a pact to shut his shit down as soon as possible otherwise we’ll be in for another long night.”

Linguistic expert Donna McMullin explained how pauses in conversation were dangerous when interacting with problematic family members.

“Some vultures use lulls in speech as a chance to spread their conspiracy theories to a captive audience,” she described. “The best thing you can do is to ignore them, but when up against repeat offenders like Mr. Morris, other methods like icing them out may be preferable. However, it’s important to note that these are potentially volatile people whose minds have been hijacked by extreme online rhetoric, so it won’t be easy. Worst comes to worst, you can always distract them by starting a small kitchen fire and calling the fire department.”

At press time, an extremely intoxicated Morris missed his opportunity when his family finally ran out of things to discuss, by which point he was slumped in his chair and mumbling to himself about pronouns.

40-Year-Old Could Still Really Use $10 Christmas Check From Grandmother

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Dan Kozuh

MADISON, Wis. — Local screen printer Peter Taylor admitted he could really use the $10 check his grandmother would send him every Christmas until her passing in 2008, confirmed sources close to the destitute man.

“I have a steady job but I’ll be brutally honest, between bills, rent, my cat needing kidney medication, and the overall price of living, ten bucks would really go a long way right about now,” Taylor explained while making a student loan payment. “Grandma has been dead for fifteen years now but I always think of her this time of year and how I wish she was still with us so she could help relieve some of my financial burden. It’s weird that I used to joke about how ten dollars was like nothing but now it would help me keep my head above water.”

Taylor’s parents feel their son is failing to remember all the other good traits of his grandmother.

“Peter seems to think his grandmother was just a cash cow and always talks about how reliable she was on his birthday and on Christmas. This from the kid who never went to visit her when she was alive. I think he’s just hinting that he wants us to send him money,” said Peter’s father Roger Taylor while relaxing by the lakeside of his second home. “What he should be doing is pulling himself by his bootstraps and doing an honest day’s work. By the time I was his age, I already paid off my house and had a healthy 401K, and I never got money from my grandparents. At least not until I inherited their money when they died.”

Economists, however, are noticing a trend in millennials and gen-xers pining for the days of getting money as a gift.

“Studies have actually shown that the money grandparents give for special occasions is what is keeping the economy afloat lately,” economist Dr. Patricia Barnes explained. “If these reserves of checks in a birthday card dried up then America would fall into a pretty severe depression. They may not know it, but when a Grandfather palms a twenty when he shakes his grandson’s hand, that is the backbone of the middle class.”

As of press time, Taylor was seen digging through piles of paperwork in hopes of finding the $50 savings bond his grandfather gave him when he was seven.

Crust Punk Santa Enters Home Through Garbage Disposal

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Alex Vlahov

AKRON, Ohio — Progressive-minded, but very smelly, children across the world woke up to gifts from Crust Punk Santa who enters family homes via the garbage disposal on Christmas Eve, eschewing traditional chimney routes.

“I’m fuckin’ stoked, man. Another year of bringing loosies, local zines and band pins to kids across the world,” replied Crust Punk Santa while fixing a broken amp. “I’m like the original DIY Santa. No one was on the scene before me, it’s a fuckin’ fact man. Everyone asks how I do it, I get that question all the time. It’s easy: I basically shred myself in the drainpipe and re-assemble myself in the sink. Kids get pretty freaked out when they see it, but we all need trauma in our life. Plus there’s usually some tasty leftovers in that garbage disposal so sometimes I get a free meal, know what I mean? These families are throwing away gold.”

5th grader Sara Lorraine Quigley of Harris-Jackson Elementary School shared her holiday experience seeing Crust Punk Santa last year.

“It was super scary. He had a mohawk and tons of patches on a camouflage jacket. The spikes on his belt left scratches on the metal sink that we’re still trying to get rid of,” Quigley shared from the jungle gym at recess. “He basically wandered around the kitchen looking for food and drank a bunch of PBRs my dad left in the fridge. That was especially rude since we left out Slim Jims and a Red Bull for him, per tradition. And then he left us a few gifts in a crumpled plastic bag on the floor. My gift was a cracked Driller Killer vinyl and a sweaty handkerchief. My brother got a plastic ashtray with a hand-drawn anarchy ‘A’ symbol, which I’m pretty jealous about.”

Scholar Jordan K. Dunne weighed in on the mythological origins of Crust Punk Santa.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying Christmas, diving into holiday mythos during all other eleven months of the year,” shared Dunne from his Christmas-themed office at the University of Akron. “It hasn’t always been milk and cookies, no sir! Studying ancient texts, we find that analogous figures to Crust Punk Santa appear throughout history. There was the festive ‘Bubonic Plague Santa’ who would enter hidden behind houseguests, plus an even older Santa famous for hiding in latrines or outhouses. In fact, some of our earliest holiday oral traditions center on allegories warning of ‘Shithouse Santa.’”

At press time, Crust Punk Santa is proudly displaying his new “sled,” which is a dumpster on wheels pulled by a scruffy senior dog that hates everyone.

Ticketmaster Exec Visited By Three Ghosts in the Night Charges Them $18 Service Fee

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Michael Luis

NEW YORK — High-ranking Ticketmaster executive Chuck Dickenson reportedly charged significant fees to three ghosts who were visiting to teach him a timely lesson about greed, sources close to the spirits confirmed.

“We’ve been visiting greedy people around the holidays for over a century now. We’ve had all sorts of reactions: fear, shock, occasional arousal, but no one’s ever charged us money for showing up,” said The Ghost of Christmas Present. “Dickenson said it was $10 for admission into his home, a $5 processing charge, and a $3 ‘convenience fee.’ I explained to him that traveling through the void between the dead and living is actually quite inconvenient but he wasn’t hearing it. We begrudgingly paid it because we’ve been wanting to see him for years but we didn’t feel great about it.”

Dickenson explained that his time comes with a high price that consumers, living or undead, should be willing to pay.

“Look, I’m a very busy man and my time comes at a premium. Between sending 30 minutes of emails, screaming at my deadbeat son, playing golf doubles with Bruce Springsteen, and snorting cocaine off an escort’s ass, I only have so much room for visitors,” said Dickenson. “I’m actually glad they came. Not only did I make a cool $54 that I plan on burning in front of a homeless child on Christmas day, they helped me come up with some great new ideas. When the Ghost of Christmas Past showed me memories of going to all-ages DIY halls as a teen, it reminded me of how many independent venues there are left for us to buy out.”

Economist Jacob Chapman-Hall noted this is the latest in a long history of ghastly visits failing to have their intended effect.

“The ‘three ghosts’ routine had a lot of success for a while, but the process has had a waning success rate since ‘The Big Scrooge’ in 1843,” said Chapman-Hall. “The mega-wealthy nowadays are simply too evil. When they visited Jeff Bezos a few years back, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come accidentally gave him the idea for luxury space travel. Showing him a vision of the future helped him expedite the design of his personal rocket. We’re still not sure why it looks like a penis though.”

At press time, all three ghosts have retired after 10 minutes of trying to teach Elon Musk a lesson.

Ten Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because Our Families Haven’t Figured Out We Hijacked Their Bluetooth

Posted on December 24, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

It’s Christmas again, and your elderly family members still don’t understand how basic technology works. While you’re excited for free food, gifts, and general merriment, you’re not sure how many times you can hear ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ before absolutely losing your entire fucking mind. Fortunately, you know which button disconnects your Dad’s phone from the Bluetooth speaker, allowing you to sneak in and work your influence on the entire gathering.

You’re sure to be filled with an overwhelming sense of freedom, mischief, and anxiety when you finally have the ability to play whatever you want while your uncle asks how much you make in a year. As our gift to you, we’ve taken the time to compile some of our favorite fringe holiday tunes that have gotten us through each and every hectic holiday season. Here are ten of our tried and true classics that are sure to make your family ask things like “was this song always this loud?” and “why are they yelling so much?”

Ginger Root “Linus n’ Lucy (Theme From Peanuts)”

It can be hard to read a room and select a song that will appeal to everyone but you absolutely can’t go wrong with a bit of music from America’s sole treasure ‘Peanuts.’ The lo-fi blips that permeate indie-soul act Ginger Root’s excellent cover of ‘Linus n’ Lucy’ will immediately have your Mom asking if something’s wrong with the speaker. A welcome distraction from her constant inquiries into your ex’s life and your lack of prospective dating partners.

My Chemical Romance “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

By this point in the year, you’ve likely heard Mariah Carey’s saccharine Christmas blockbuster upwards of a billion times. While you claim to hate the song, we all know it is scientifically engineered to drill itself into your already crumbling skull. There’s no shame in enjoying it considering you’ve been brainwashed to do exactly that. Still, MCR has you covered it you want to embrace the earworm in a more esoteric way.

Me First And The Gimme Gimmes “Santa Baby”

There are a lot of horny ass Christmas songs out there, but ‘Santa Baby’ might take the fruitcake. Still, it’s a classic and your family loves it for some depraved reason. It’s only natural that you immediately get the ick when it comes on. Playing the Me First And The Gimme Gimmes version in its place is a surefire way to eliminate the raw, sexual power of the original. Finally, your Grandma will be able to sing along without grossing out the entire family in the process.

Charly Bliss, PUP “It’s Christmas and I Fucking Miss You”

You don’t want your family to think you’re a dweeb that’s behind the times do you? It’s bad enough that you’re ‘in between jobs’ at the moment. You don’t want to fall even further from grace here, so make sure you work in this modern Christmas classic from two of the hippest pop-punk bands of the era. Chances are your hip asshole cousin will finally make eye contact with you when this hits the queue.

Reel Big Fish “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

If your family is anything like ours, they love polka music for some unknown reason. They also cannot for the life of them tell the difference between that genre and ska. For these reasons, Reel Big Fish’s cover of ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ is sure to be a hit after a few egg nogs. Just resist the urge to teach your Grandpa how to skank. His hips aren’t what they used to be.

The Damned “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause”

Maybe it’s not the most Christmas-y song that ever existed, but let’s be real: family events are stressful and you’re gonna want to listen to the Damned at some point. When your uncle presses you on whether or not it’s actually a Christmas song, just tell him to go fuck himself and point out the second verse mentions the holiday by name.

Tenacious D/Sum 41 “Things I Want”

Last year your little brother remarked that there aren’t enough metal Christmas jams. You, unfortunately, were too stoned to remember this batshit crazy collaboration between Tenacious D and Sum 41 existed. It’s time to rectify past mistakes and toss this one on the playlist two, or maybe even three times. It’s been a hard year for your lil’ bro. He needs this.

Tyler, The Creator “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

Perhaps one of the most brutal and unforgiving diss tracks ever written, ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,’ is an undisputed classic for a reason. If there’s anything people can appreciate over the holiday season, it’s kicking a man while he’s down over the course of three of the most insulting verses ever put to tape. Still, we’ve all heard the Tony The Tiger version (Google it) way too many times. Spice things up with the version by ‘that rap guy’ your Mom saw on the Grammy’s that one year.

100 Gecs “sympathy 4 the grinch”

Maybe you feel bad about putting on a track that calls a sad, lonely, man colder than a ‘seasick crocodile.’ Don’t worry. Your little sister’s all-time favorite hyper-pop group, 100 Gecs, has the perfect counter-argument. Maybe the Grinch was such a dick because nobody ever showered him with gifts? You ever think about that, you selfish fuck? It’s also the perfect song to make your parents feel like shit for not getting you a PlayStation in 1995.

Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

It’s best to put this one on before your Aunt gets buzzed enough to remember that your Mom called her a bitch in 1987. She’s never let it go, and the holidays are seemingly always the best time to bring it up. If you don’t let Joey take the floor to espouse a message of unity and love, you might find yourself in an even bigger brawl than last year.

We hope you have a good holiday. If you want a completely unhinged playlist to put on during your family function you can check on out here: