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20 Christmas Gifts That Say “I Am Between Jobs”

So you’re unemployed for the holidays. Bummer. You might be starting to wonder how you’re going to afford Christmas gifts this year. I mean, you can’t NOT get people presents. That goes against everything this country stands for. Well, don’t worry, there are plenty of affordable gift options for you to choose from! We’re here to recommend some of our favorites that truly say, “I am between jobs.”

Loose CDs

Look no further than the floor of your car. Between the crumpled Burger King bags and wad of used tissues under the passenger seat, you’ll find the holy grail: loose CDs. Loose CDs are a budget-friendly find when you want to show your loved one that music knows no bounds (including that of a case). This gift is not unlike your newfound freedom, having finally shed the shackles of capitalism for an indeterminate amount of weeks or months.

Stick of Gum

This affordable gift works wonders when your loved one is in desperate need of a little freshening up. A single stick of gum is all they really need when they’re in a pinch. Who wants the whole pack, anyway? They’re not trying to take up that much room in their pockets. Besides, you’re gonna need fresh breath, too, for all those upcoming interviews. Might as well keep the rest!

Pet Rock

Say hello to nature’s gift—rocks! A pet rock is totally free and completely satisfying for friends. Just pick any cool-looking rock from the side of the road, throw it in a box, and tell people it’s a pet. There’s absolutely no way anyone will give you push back on this. Especially since you walked all the way to their house now that your car has been repossessed.

Jacket From Lost & Found

Your loved one will be stunned when you show up with a designer jacket. Do they need to know where you got it or why it smells like corn chips? Hell no! Just call your local movie theater and ask them if they have any black jackets left behind by patrons and voila! You’ve got yourself a sweet present for the fashionista in your life. It might be two sizes too big, but it definitely has character. And maybe even a spare $5 in the pocket you can keep all to yourself.

Half-Full Wine Bottle

At a time like this, you’ve gotta look at the glass half-full—kind of like that wine bottle you tried to kill last night, but ended up falling asleep halfway through. This affordable gift comes straight from Albertsons’ BOGO deal. You aren’t buying anything unless it’s deeply discounted, so this is a perfect option. Threw away the cork? No problem, just shove a wad of foil in there.

Wallet Condom

Remember that old condom in your wallet that’s been sitting untouched for the last four years? Well, it’s finally time to whip it out. This is the perfect way to show that you care about your loved one’s privates and sexual health. There’s nothing more warm and fuzzy than the gift of protection from unwanted pregnancy and STDs. If you can’t afford a whole box of condoms, this will do the trick for at least one sexual encounter. Just make sure to double-check the expiration date on that puppy!

Chipotle Gift Card (Not Sure How Much Is Left On It)

You’ve probably got a Chipotle gift card floating around in your desk drawer somewhere, right? You know, that one you may have used a couple months ago, but there’s totally still money on it (just not enough for a burrito bowl). You’re gonna be cooking a lot the next few months, so why not gift it to a friend? Don’t tell them how much is left on it, so their total at the register will be a fun surprise!

Sock Puppet

If you think these are just for kids, think again. This shit slaps hard no matter how old you are. All you need is a single sock (not even a pair!) and some googly eyes. The fun will last for hours. Maybe even days. Just make sure to wash the sock before gifting it. And don’t use any socks that seem to be hard or crusty…

Dentist’s Office Pens

Branded pens from the dentist’s office are a fun way to reveal your favorite orthodontist without being over the top about it. It’s all about the subtle details. The best part? Your dentist won’t care how many you take. Just think how many people could be getting a pen with the phrase “tooth hurty” on it! Maybe all this marketing you’re doing for them will earn you a free teeth cleaning?

Spare Lightbulb

No gift is more thoughtful than a spare lightbulb, especially an old incandescent. You can’t buy those relics of the recent past anymore. We’re all gonna need one eventually. Except for you. No need to spend extra money on the electricity bill right now. You should really bust out the candles right now and start living a little more humbly. You’re welcome for the bright idea!

Welcome Mat

If you still have a roof over your head, chances are you’ve got a welcome mat. It may have been left there by a previous tenant, but it’s yours now to gift to whomever you want! The great news is those things withstand plenty of wear and tear, so it won’t look noticeably used unless you threw up on it when you got fired or something. Even then, a good hose down is a great way to jazz it up!

McDonald’s Napkins

Once you make your dollar menu selection, be sure to grab a few fistfuls of napkins to give your favorite person. Don’t worry if some of them are grease-stained from the Big Mac in the to-go bag. It’s the thought that counts. And the amount of money you can save by gifting an item readily available to the public without purchase.

Gutter Cigarette

Have you ever seen a lone cigarette, completely new and ready to be puffed, dangling dangerously at the mouth of a gutter? Looks like someone just dropped a brand-new one and left it there. Don’t you wish that thing had a second life? Don’t let it go to waste—gift it to your pal who may or may not be jonesing for one. A quick dusting off is all you need before wrapping it up.

Stolen 7-11 Keychain

Do you still have that keychain you stole from 7-11 ten years ago? Well guess what, this is the budget-conscious gift that keeps on giving. Yes, it may be one of those name keychains that has your name on it instead of theirs, and it doesn’t light up anymore, but at least they’ll always know who it was from. Now, that’s a heartwarming gift that will forever be nostalgic of something they never experienced.

Restaurant Matches

A box of matches can be enjoyed by all. Need to start a fire? Wanna light a candle? Did you take a huge dump? Problem solved. Not only will matches come in handy, but your loved one will always have a nice little novelty item from your favorite Italian restaurant. One day, you’ll be able to pay for a meal there again, and that hope keeps you going.

Pasta Necklace

You might think these are just something you make in kindergarten, but the joke’s on you—you can make these at any age as long as you have a box of pasta. This necklace is a great conversation piece and lasts for years as long as your loved one doesn’t boil it. Suck it, Etsy. You’re a true artisan. Hey, maybe you could make this your side hustle for some extra cash…

Roll of Toilet Paper From Public Restroom

Taking a public restroom’s TP is a victimless crime. They don’t know how much you need, and what if you have an extremely messy situation that requires an entire roll? How would they ever know? It’s perfectly acceptable to take multiple rolls and distribute them as gifts. It won’t hurt to stock your own bathroom with them! Plus, the rough, thin paper will help toughen up your butthole.

Car Manual

Let’s face it, you only use your car manual like once or twice possibly ever. Why not give it to your loved one as some light reading material for their next long trip? This gift is perfect for the special someone in your life who’s an avid reader. They’ll love the practical graphics! Maybe they can start learning what that light on your dashboard means and you can skip the mechanic?

Cardboard Box

Do you have a cardboard box that hasn’t been recycled yet? Maybe the box your boss made you put all of your belongings in on your last day of employment? Well guess what! It can double as a rocket ship, a secret fort, or a racecar. The possibilities are endless, really. This gift is all about imagination, which you’ll be using a lot of when determining how you’re going to make rent this month.

Bed Bath & Beyond Coupon

Saving the best for last, a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon always hits. You can’t spend a lot of money, but your loved one can! Give them 20% off forever with the gift that never expires. A significant discount on a squatty potty, some picture frames, or a new pillow will give anyone a healthy dose of Christmas cheer. Hopefully you too, since your insurance ran out and you can’t touch base with your therapist for a while. At least one of you will be thriving!