Press "Enter" to skip to content

Dad Waiting for Lull at Christmas Dinner to Rant About Woke Mind Virus

AUBURN, N.Y. – Local dad and notorious shit disturber Walter Morris patiently waited for a lull during his family’s lovely Christmas dinner to launch into a tirade about the woke mind virus, according to sources doing their best to keep the conversation flowing.

“This year I’m gonna bide my time and wait for my opportunity to pounce,” stated Morris who was champing at the bit to rant about topics like the increase in non-white & LGBTQ+ Disney characters. “I promised my wife I wouldn’t bring up anything I read on Reddit unless we ran out of things to talk about, but this is getting annoying. If there isn’t a break in this unending conversation soon, I won’t be able to warn everyone about the serious disease threatening the entire world, except for places like Russia and China who are thankfully fighting back for our collective freedom. I’ll just keep pounding these screwdrivers until I get my chance.”

Morris’ daughter Brooke described her family’s coordinated effort to keep her father quiet.

“We can’t give him an opening otherwise we’ll be listening to right-wing talking points all night,” said a dry-mouthed Brooke. “We’ve already discussed everything from the Icelandic volcano to intricate details about our dog’s intestinal issues, and there’s still two courses left. After dad ruined Christmas last year by going off about Hunter Biden’s laptop right in the middle of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ we made a pact to shut his shit down as soon as possible otherwise we’ll be in for another long night.”

Linguistic expert Donna McMullin explained how pauses in conversation were dangerous when interacting with problematic family members.

“Some vultures use lulls in speech as a chance to spread their conspiracy theories to a captive audience,” she described. “The best thing you can do is to ignore them, but when up against repeat offenders like Mr. Morris, other methods like icing them out may be preferable. However, it’s important to note that these are potentially volatile people whose minds have been hijacked by extreme online rhetoric, so it won’t be easy. Worst comes to worst, you can always distract them by starting a small kitchen fire and calling the fire department.”

At press time, an extremely intoxicated Morris missed his opportunity when his family finally ran out of things to discuss, by which point he was slumped in his chair and mumbling to himself about pronouns.