First off, Anberlin broke the Christian Rock interweb with their recent announcement that Matty Mullins of Memphis May Fire is the new touring vocalist for the band. While he admits and you certainly know that Stephen “Is A” Christian is irreplaceable in the pantheon of An to the Berlin, it is good to know that the band has a more than capable replacement for the time being. There must be something in the water in Florida that tastes like a combination of post-hardcore and addictive AF crystal meth, and Anberlin formed in said wasteland, specifically Winter Haven, in 2002, and have released seven full-length albums since then. We ranked them all below, so never take subjective judgment personal; it’s just business, and business is good!
7. Lowborn (2014)
Thank goodness Anberlin released a few EPs, compilation records, and live albums since their seventh, and final as of now, LP “Lowborn,” because this one absolutely and positively shouldn’t be their swan song. While Anberlin is pretty incapable of making a bad record, “Lowborn” as a record and specific album title, is their lowest point since being born. They weren’t necessarily losing it all per se, but we’d love an atonement album from them stat. This record is their most “new wave” effort and overall the least rocking. Anberlin is best when they’re rocking out/free, and we hope that they use their distortion pedals more next time around. Fun fact: The band returned to Tooth & Nail Records after three releases with a major label for this seventh record.
Play it again: “We Are Destroyer”
Skip it: About ⅓ of it
6. Dark Is The Way, Light is a Place (2010)
This one is tough to talk about, as many behind the scenes thought that it would elevate the band to Jimmy Eat World or Fall Out Boy territory. But Anberlin’s fifth studio album, despite sounding like the band’s biggest budget record, and utilizing revered and legendary producer Brendan O’Brien of Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Rage Against the Machine, and Millionaires fame showcased such posit for MANY, sadly fell short of the lofty expectations for the mainstream in pretty much every which way. Still, it debuted at number nine on the Billboard 200 chart, which is no small feat by any stretch. We wouldn’t necessarily like to die because of this, but our hearts are down, and dare we say, depraved. All we have is impossible expectations, so take us as you found us.
Play it again: “We Owe This to Ourselves”
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it
5. Blueprints for the Black Market (2003)
Anberlin’s debut LP is the first consistent album to be mentioned, and it was a debate amongst our collective brain cells as to whether the opener “Ready Fuels” or closer “Naive Orleans” would be featured as the “play it again” track, but ultimately, track eleven won. If you disagree, and we know that you will about this and everything we have said/will say, make your own list, and you will change the world, but not really. Also, covering a song by The Cure on any album, much less your debut, is a strong and confident statement, and the band executes “Love Song” in brilliant form, and eventually does so with other classic acts like The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Radiohead, and BABYMETAL on a record that is not technically a studio effort called “Lost Songs”… The band mapped out their future in epic form here!
Play it again: “Naive Orleans”
Skip it: “We Dreamt In Heist”
4. Vital (2012)
Anberlin’s sixth LP altogether and last for a major label, is without question or hesitation their most underrated LP, and a rockin’ return to form. Sadly, the band would falter and lose more momentum after “Lowborn,” the follow-up to “Vital,” but we digress. If you missed “Vital” in 2012, you may have caught it in re-release form just one year later as “Devotion,” which is almost as cool as the rare Weezer B-side of the same name. We theorize that the band would still be on a major label if this was the follow-up to “New Surrender,” and if its predecessor was an EP instead of an LP, but that’s what makes horse racing!
Play it again: “Little Tyrants”
Skip it: “Intentions”
3. New Surrender (2008)
Anberlin’s major label debut opens with their best song “The Resistance,” and there is zero hyperbole here, and “New Surrender” ends in epic fashion with a song with a Latin, but not Pig Latin title. Neal Avron, producer for such scene stars as New Found Glory, Say Anything, Yellowcard, and Rick James, absolutely slayed it here, as the loud songs rock very hard and the softer ones are solemn and lovely. While we like “The Feel Good Drag” slightly more than this album’s “Feel Good Drag” and the word “the,” the version from “New Surrender” went gold and broke some records on the Alternative Songs chart. Also, this album cover would make a solid painting in your kitchen or screen saver on your MacBook. “Speak for yourself,” you say? Too late to make demands, we like to burn out brighter!
Play it again: “The Resistance”
Skip it: “Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights)”
2. Never Take Friendship Personal (2005)
If their debut was silver and working towards a fit bod, this one certainly was gold and filled with antioxidants sans steroids/Ozempic. Far from a sophomore slump, “Never Take Friendship Personal” had a stronghold on the underground, and still resonates with elder scene kids to this day. Fun fact: “The Feel Good Drag” is excellent, but isn’t even an official single, as “A Day Late” and “Paperthin Anthem” are the songs here that can claim such. This record foreshadowed its follow-up “Cities” in a great way, and that the band would continue to grow as songwriters and musicians. 2005 was a particularly novel year for the Hot Topic world with huge releases from The All-American Rejects, Panic! at the Disco, MxPx, and The Gap Band, and Anberlin totally rounded it all out succinctly.
Play it again: The original screamier “The Feel Good Drag”
Skip it: “A Heavy Hearted Work Of Staggering Genius”
1. Cities (2007)
You know that we’re right, but we know that you’re still going to complain, as there is no mathematics to love and loss: “Cities” is BY FAR Anberlin’s finest hour, rather, forty-six minutes and thirty-one seconds, and never truly lets up until the last moments of “(*Fin)”. Because of that and so, so much more, this LP, which was their last full-length studio album before the band’s major label deal, is a “no skip” masterpiece. Dismantle and repair your hearts whilst you bitch. Anyway, Anberlin went “mature” here in the best way, and the songs are a perfect combination of dark, hopeful, a whisper, and a clamor. Also, try not to headbang to the riff of track two and single one “Godspeed”; spoiler alert, you can’t. Don’t fall asleep, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and always remember that they lied when they said the good die young.
Play it again: (Début) to (*Fin)
Skip it: Devilslow
Not to be confused with the other, and far more popular 2015 Krampus movie (which also got us into trouble) “Krampus: The Reckoning” was one of those b knockoffs that tries to coast on a better movie’s popularity. The effects are terrible, the pacing is horrendous, and it was so boring that we were barely even told never to return to Bright Horizons Pre-K under threat of arrest.
Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton movie of the same name (which is disturbing in its own right) the kids were super excited to see a movie about a talking Snowman! Unfortunately, that’s all the preamble we gave them. No one mentioned that it was a snowman containing the soul of a sadistic serial killer hell-bent on revenge. The kids quickly turned on the movie, and frankly, we’re with them, this one is pretty tasteless. Many of them also urinated, however, and we don’t think that’s appropriate no matter how bad a movie is.
This is the first movie on our lists to get us in hot water because it contained a lot of graphic nudity. It will not be the last. We really gotta fire our movie guy, this is a lot of lawsuits even by Hard Times School Tour standards.
Possibly the most lopsided franchise in all of horror, we should have known their later-day Christmas effort was one for the naughty list. Was it the fact that the distinction between living puppets and demonic toys is too subtle for 5-year-old minds to grasp? Were they put off by the hammy performance of Corey Feldman? Or is it that showing R-rated violence to children is simply a bad idea no matter how holiday-themed it is? Who’s to say? All we know is that none of those kids will ever hold a doll of any kind ever again.
“Garbage day!” Blam! Yes, this movie is where the popular .gif comes from, and if the kids can’t respect it, that’s not our problem, #knowyourmeme. Honestly, we really don’t see what the big freakout was about here. Half of this movie is just clips from the first “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and who the hell hasn’t seen that? In the lowest-ranking installment of the franchise on our list (unless you include part 4 which didn’t even make the cut,) the brother of the killer Santa from the first movie recalls pretty much that whole movie before going off on his own killing spree, because apparently he also has the killer Santa gene? All around pretty lazy, and any claim that we “scarred children for life” is a pretty absurd exaggeration. Half of those kids didn’t even cry.
The franchise takes a turn into the supernatural for this third installment, which sees Ricky (Hey kids, it’s Bill Moseley!) awaken from his coma and stalk a blind woman with whom he is somehow psychically linked. It’s pretty cornball stuff, so we’re pretty puzzled by how much child vomit it inspired. Maybe the kids recognized Eric DaRe from “Twin Peaks?” Leo Johnson is pretty scary.
It’s sort of like “Funny Games” but with a fun holiday twist, and nowhere near as good as “Funny Games.” Actually, when the screening turned into a shit show, we did show them “Funny Games” thinking that would smooth things over. It didn’t.
Okay, we really tried on this one! This movie has tons of stuff kids are into—cosplaying, YouTubers, Barry Bostwick, the list goes on! If you ask us those kids each woke up that morning and said to themselves “I’m going to devolve into an inconsolable crying mess no matter what movie gets shown today!”
Okay, yes, a Santa Claus gets his dick cut off in this one, which is hard to watch at any age, but the key word is “a” Santa Claus, not “the” Santa Claus! It was just one of his HELPERS who got his dick lobbed off while taking a piss so that one kid’s scream of “Oh my God they cut off Santa’s wee wee!” and the ensuing riot that followed was way, way off base.
Did you know that Santa is actually Satan’s only begotten son? And that he only gives out presents because he lost a bet with an angel, and now that the terms of the bet are settled he’s here to kill everybody, even if they’re nice? Well, the kids we showed this to sure didn’t and they did not handle it well.
For the love of God, stop crying! It’s basically just “House on Sorority Row” with Christmas stuff! You would think these preschoolers had never watched a bunch of college girls get picked off one by one by a deranged lunatic before, jeesh!
This one was going relatively fine for a while. The kids weren’t paying a ton of attention because the movie was in black and white, but they weren’t crying or anything. Even the teacher, though a little puzzled as to why we thought children would be interested in an anthology movie from 1945, didn’t seem to have any serious objections. And then the dummy showed up. Holy hell. What is it about old ventriloquist dolls that just strikes the hearts of children with fear dead center?
Okay, we got a little fast and loose with the Christmas theme here but “The Brain” is at least set during Christmas time, and honestly we thought it would be a good message for the kids! It’s the story of a mad scientist who uses a giant mutant brain to brainwash people through a popular TV show. We were hoping it would teach kids to be weary of propaganda, but they were too busy getting all freaked out watching a giant brain murder people. We tried to calm them down! We were all like “Look kids, it’s David Gale, the guy who played the severed head who goes down on that lady in “Re-animator,” isn’t that cool?!” Didn’t help.
It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, boy invites girl to Christmas with his family in Wisconsin, girl gets possessed by the spirit of an ancient samurai and kills off boys family one by one until a final showdown with boy’s psychic mother. If the kids weren’t ready for this one, and judging by how many of them are still catatonic they weren’t, that’s not us. Blame Common Core for failing them, this is practically Romeo and Juliet.
Pretty standard killer robot fair with a holiday twist. Okay, we know these kids are five, but if they are going to get all weepy and vomity over a movie about a killer robot Santa, are they really prepared to grow up in the age of AI? Plus the movie exhaustively goes out of its way to establish how hip the main characters are by having them talk about bands for like 20 minutes and the references went right over their little heads. Preschool? More like Poserschool, amiright?
If you haven’t seen “The Gingerdead Man,” it’s exactly what you think it is, plus the evil gingerbread man is voiced by Gary Busey. We can only assume it was the calming, familiar voice of Busey that kept the kids from going full catatonic. Well, most of them. Anyway, we didn’t screen any of the sequels cause Busey’s not in them. See? We’re responsible.
This is basically just a feature-length holiday-themed version of the “Twilight Zone” episode “The Howling Man,” but somehow it scared the shit out of these kids figuratively and, for several of them literally. It’s like they aren’t familiar with ’50s television or something!
This movie has been described as a holiday set version of “Last House on the Left” on a train and… yeah, okay, this one was on us, it was a bad call. We apologize for this screening, but the flack we got for every other film on this list is bullshit!
Was there ever anyone more ridiculous than Mickey Rooney? When the original “Silent Night, Deadly Night” came out back in 1984 he was leading the charge of public outcry, condemning the movie as tasteless exploitive filth and demanding it be boycotted. Then, seven years later, he shows up in one of the sequels! Isn’t that funny? We sure think it is. The room full of children we showed it to didn’t quite grasp the humor of the situation though. They were more transfixed by the idea that toys can murder you.
Okay, I’m sorry, but this is the most typical middle-of-the-road slasher fair you can imagine only the killer is dressed as Santa, okay? Horny transgressive teens are picked off one by one by a maniac, we’ve all seen it 100 times, and you can sue us for your kid’s therapy all you want, we’re not paying a fucking dime. If anything we should be suing you for not raising your kids to appreciate genre films!
Everything was going fine until one of the kids asked “What’s an anti-Christ?” and we paused and explained it. St. Catherine’s Pre-K has agreed not to sue us provided we each do 12 Hail Marys and give up horror movies for lent, an offer we refused. Come at us motherfuckers!
Scene-ioritis? GODSPEED! Although The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ sophomore album “Lonely Road,” was ambitious in the way that the band temporarily fled the scene world for a Sunset Strip ‘80s metal vibe, it was a misfire amongst fans and the like, and thus, its title was unintentionally accurate. The record debuted at number fourteen on the Billboard 200, but quickly faded away shortly after, and would be the band’s last full-length studio album on a major label. Vocalist Ronnie Winter’s voice hit notes that were higher than most on “The Up in Smoke Tour” here, but that’s where the fun ended, and critics from much inferior publications echoed said sentiments on pen, paper, pleads, postcards, and other “P” words.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ fifth and most recent LP is the first good album to be mentioned here. Many readers here may not know this but The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is a Christian Rock band, and the highlighted “play it again” track here,”On Becoming Willing,” topped the Christian Rock Billboard charts for quite some time, whilst staying under the radar amongst non-denominational punks of all shapes and sizes. “The Awakening” is also a concept album, and the first of such in the band’s catalog. It’s been nearly six years since this record hit stores (remember those?) and RJA fans all over the world are eagerly waiting for another, especially given the fact that the aughts rock boom is now nostalgia music, so there is more than some unfinished business on the proverbial table.
Starting with a haunting piano intro via album opener “Grimm 2.0” which was reminiscent of Tim Burton films, “4” deserves your attention and affection if you missed it in 2014; ignorance is not bliss here and you’re the mocking Jay, Captain Hunger Games. If you heard it then and/or still vibe with it today, Jesus and/or Moses may be your rock star; we know, right? Fun fact: This album exists because of some of you hardcore RJA fanboys and fangirls reading here who donated to the band’s fundraising IndieGoGo campaign; it was you… The right direction!
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made the correct calculated move by working with scene svengali John Feldmann of No Use For A Name on their third LP “Am I the Enemy.” If you still need to ask, “Where are the heroes?,” don’t lose hope, don’t you fake it, do not pass go/collect $200, and listen to this one front to back for little filler and/or questions as to why this band was hugely successful and still converts new heads on the daily. The band used to look to you for direction, but that was before they saw the deception that was hidden behind your eyes. Deep? Yes, but that was just your empty pride in RJA lyric form.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ breakout LP is a “no skip” effort that counterbalances the duds on album 2, the inconsistencies on albums 4 and 5, and the almost perfect third LP. This record is so good that it has another version known as “Don’t You Fake It (Alliance Edition),” but only check that one out after you listen to this one seventeen (ain’t so sweet) times; if you choose that one first, your emo hearts will forever feel disconnected with a combination of solo misery and damn regret. If you’re still a hater regarding this band’s inclusion here, go to their Spotify and marvel at the hundreds of millions of streams and the near five million monthly listeners; for context, Yellowcard has nearly one million less monthly listeners and Skankin’ Pickle has just over twenty-three thousand.
Stealing goes against the code of the Samurai so we will stay clean during the film out of respect. But we still might pirate the soundtrack on LimeWire.
This biography told through symbolism and metaphors is one of the most visually pleasing films to ever exist. To symbolize our thievery actions, we will be providing finger shaped coupons, five to be exact, laid out to represent our five-finger discount. The coupons will each be dipped in honey to ensure they are sticky fingers as well. If you complain that the metaphor is too obvious and mixed, well EXCUSE us for not exactly being Armenian poet Sayat-Nova, let alone Sergei Parajanov!
Danny Boyle’s debut film about flatmates turning on each other will be a nice prelude to when you turn on your own roommates because you think they used up all the toilet paper. The truth is that we took it, but we’ll never tell.
Although this is through Criterion and therefore should be watched through a film theory eye, playing the music of these Beastie Boys is still a cultural significance that one is throwing a party. People will be hearing “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” outside your home and immediately know it is okay to head over. We will be playing the role of the worst party guests by drinking all your beer, pocketing ashtrays, and stealing jewelry from your bedroom.
“Pink Flamingos” may be the big one, but the Odor-Rama scratch-n-sniff card that is to be used while watching John water’s 1981 classic is perfect for distracting that all your glade plug-ins have gone into our pockets.
This movie features the kind of unsimulated disturbing imagery typically saved for weird links teenagers stumble upon when online too much. As an American you may find it hard to decipher what the rich businessman in a cowboy hat urinating on people named Mr. Kapital may represent. Between the extremely subtle political statements and a collection of sexual acts that are totally not controversial in any form, it makes me want to say no to capitalism, no to communism, let us follow the politics of the mighty ant by stealing your sugar for our queen.
Snoochies boochies, we swiped your hockey jerseys!
Contemporary artist Takashi Murakami makes his debut as a director with a film that is loosely just Pokémon. Let Murakami’s trademark overbearing positivity wash over you as we take your prized possession, your holographic Charizard.
Draags a race of aliens who wear ripped spandex and are too busy doing new-age activities to notice how miserable their pets are. We all knew people like that when we were 19 but this time they’re blue giants with fins for ears. Experience a world of psychedelic empathy towards animals being transmitted into your pineal gland as some funky prog rock plays. We will be taking your lava lamps now.
“Repo Man” is a desolate alternate world where products don’t have any graphic design or mascots on them. Just thinking of the movie makes us glad to live in a world where the Cheerios Honey Bee exists. Enjoy the amazing soundtrack and fun acting of Emilio Estevez while we take all your name-brand products.
A goth boy falls in love with an elderly hippie who teaches him how to be a silly goose. Laugh together with this dark comedy on embracing life while we smuggle your toaster oven under your shirt. Only depressed people cook with those anyway.
Soviet movies are always so upbeat, so this one about a Nazi occupation must be no different. This example of vicarious PTSD is the kind of film you make British gang members watch while you perform prison experiments to make them give up listening to Beethoven and wearing codpieces. With any luck, you too will be disposing of your Beethoven records and codpieces in the trash for us to take. Cheer up though, Nazis were defeated and now we don’t have to worry about any other governments committing war crimes, right?
Queen Elizabeth I has time-traveled to see our beautiful England destroyed in the ruins of punk rock. Derek Jarman’s safety-pinned satire stars several punk icons of the scene playing broke, violent wankers who keep their mattresses on the floor. Everyone in this movie may sleep on the floor, but not in the real world, not anymore. The point I’m saying is that we took your bed frame.
Tarkovsky brings a slow, atmospheric aesthetic to give the viewer a real feeling of what it is like to journey through the mysterious wasteland known only as “The Zone”. You will be sucked into this desolate world of uncertainty and wonder if the journey to the “Room” is worth it all. Do you truly know what your deepest desires are? I know what mine are and it’s to have your autographed Bon Jovi poster.
Watch Spike Lee’s 1989 film on racism, police brutality, and reactions to it with your whitest friend. If you are white, watch it with your most racist relative. Afterwards discuss Mookie’s actions to reveal enough about the person afterwards. To make it more immersive to the film we will be taking your air conditioner.
Criterion films are your new flesh. The outstanding special effects and acting of Debbie Harry is but one cell of this new skin. Your new flesh tells your senses that you no longer need your Furby collection. Give it to us.