PORTLAND, Ore. — Local crust punk Rusty Steinman reportedly multiplied at a rapid rate after coming into direct contact with water, confirmed weirded out sources.
“Evidently, there are three rules of crust punks: Don’t expose them to bright light, don’t feed them after midnight, and do not get them wet. I didn’t realize that was actually true,” claimed fellow squat tenant Brian “Skud” Malone. “I was just watering my plant when Rusty burst in and walked right into me. He got water all over himself. The next thing I know, he’s on the ground, squirming, with this crazy steam coming off him, then these five slimy balls came shooting out of his back. Not too long later there were about four more of him. It was the oddest thing I’ve seen since I got backstage at an Insane Clown Posse show.”
Steinman seemed concerned but not enough to do anything about it.
“I don’t know what those things are, and I have no idea how the fuck they came out of my back,” explained Steinman. “They’re absolutely horrible, they have greasy matted hair, all sorts of weird ear piercings, ripped clothes, and hobnail boots, they look like a cross between a character from a Charles Dickens books and one of those weird cannibals from Mad Max, and don’t even get me started on the stench. I’m never touching water again.”
Experts explained that this is a “totally normal phenomenon” although one that is rarely witnessed in the wild.
“Have you ever noticed that crust punks are always just kind of there, but no one actually knows where they come from? Well, this is actually the true origin of crusts, if you get one wet, they reproduce. Cats have litters of kittens, and crusts have scutters of crustlets,” explained sociologist Max Fetters. “It’s actually quite a rare occurrence and crust numbers all over the world are dwindling. Most people think crusts look the way they do because they don’t clean themselves, but they actually have a deep-rooted aversion to water, and it’s because they don’t want to reproduce in public and leave their offspring vulnerable. A single skinhead could eat an entire scutter of crustles in seconds.”
At press time, it is believed that Steinman and the five crustlets formed a band and are due to play at a number of squat parties in the coming months.