20. Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972)
Not to be confused with the protest-inspiring franchise spawning “Silent Night, Deadly Night,” this predecessor, not without its strengths, is kinda hampered by low budget and some questionable performances. Of course, if you ask the screening audience over at Rainbowz Preschool (uh, spellcheck?) the movie’s biggest problem is that it features, get this, blood. “Eeeeww, is that blood, waaaaaah!” Yeah, it’s blood, it’s a horror movie, try to keep up kids!
19. The Lodge (2019)
In retrospect, showing this film to any group of kids is a real bonehead move, but we didn’t screen it at just any old preschool. We screened it at Divine Leader’s Child Sanctum, the official preschool of the Holy Threshold Ascension suicide cult. Talk about a tough crowd!
18. The Children (2008)
Hey, guess what, the kids actually dug this one! They dug this one, uhm, a little too much actually. apparently there’s been a lot of… incidents… since we showed this movie about killer kids to an entire preschool. We’ve been getting a lot of frantic calls from parents sounding really fucking scared, and most of them end very abruptly? Eh, it’s probably fine.
17. It’s a Wonderful Knife (2023)
That’s just great fucking wordplay, and if the kids of Happy Tikes Preschool are too busy shrieking to high heaven to appreciate it we just can’t respect them.
16. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
When this movie was first released it sparked public outrage, with religious groups deeming it sick exploitation and demanding it be pulled from theaters. Sad to say but we can confirm that almost 40 years later, this film still evokes outrage, at least as far as showing it to groups of 5-year-olds goes.
15. Saint (2010)
After a few screenings we started to notice the kids hated movies where Santa kills people on Christmas the most, so we decided to try and fix the problem. “Saint” does not change the Santa mythology at all, it simply adds to it! He still delivers presents on Christmas, just, in addition to that, whenever there’s a full moon on December 5th, he also, in ADDITION to doing the presents on Christmas thing, murders people. The results were mixed. Some of them cried, and some of them pissed themselves.
14. Silent Night (2021)
Family and friends gather for what will be their last Christmas, as an environmental disaster will soon fill the world with poisonous gas. The kids asked us if this could happen, and in retrospect, the smart answer would have been “no.” We just wanted them to grow up to be environmentally conscious!
13. Red Snow (2021)
We thought kids liked vampires now. You know, the whole “Twilight” thing? Turns out most of these kids weren’t even born when those movies came out. God, we just can’t keep up anymore.
12. Black Friday (2021)
When a parasite turns shoppers into zombies on Black Friday, the employees of a toy store must band together and fight to survive. Okay, look, I know these kids are like, what, 5? 6? Pretty young, whatever, but if you ask us, that’s old enough to know that if you’re watching a movie with Bruce Campbell in it, you should expect a little gore with your slapstick. It’s not our fault that this entire preschool was made up of the exact sort of simpletons who don’t understand that “Evil Dead 2” was a comedy. We’re still getting letters from parents asking us why their kids are begging them never to go shopping again. Maybe it’s because you never taught your kid to appreciate camp, dickhead.
11. A Christmas Horror Story (2015)
As far as exclusively Christmas-themed horror anthology films go, this one is probably the best of the bunch. The elf zombie outbreak at the North Pole is a real highlight. If possible, try to watch it in a room full of children desperately trying to flee in terror, it really enhances the experience.
10. Elves (1989)
Do elves really live at the North Pole and make toys for Santa, or do they walk among us going on murder frenzies and trying to mate with a virgin to create a master race and conquer the Earth? It’s a question that preschool children evidently have no interest in exploring.
9. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Is “Eyes Wide Shut” really a Christmas movie? Is it even truly a horror movie? We can’t say for sure, but what we can tell you, with certainty, is that’s not the problem the kids had with it. The problem was all the spooky mask people fucking. Many of them had never seen a depiction of the rich and powerful having a ritualistic orgy before, and it showed. The nuance of Nicole Kidman’s fantasized infidelity driving Tom Cruise to seek distraction in the darkest corners of high society was completely lost on them. Still, it went better than the time we screened “Full Metal Jacket” for a bunch of preschoolers, but that’s another story altogether.
8. Anna and the Apocalypse (2017)
This one is a musical for Christ’s sake! We really don’t see how any of those kids are still losing sleep and drawing fucked up shit over it, this movie might as well be “The Nightmare Before Christmas!” Wait, Why didn’t we just show everyone “The Nightmare Before Christmas?” Wow. Oversight. Okay, next year, that’s the move.
7. Krampus (2015)
We are still receiving death threats from parents over showing their 5-year-olds this movie. It just goes to show you that Adam Scott, while still a fine, likable actor by all accounts, just doesn’t have the bulletproof charm he enjoyed at the height of “Parks and Recreation” popularity anymore. Sad.
6. Tales From the Crypt (1972)
Technically only one segment of this old-school horror anthology is Christmas-themed, but it features the first killer Santa on film and arguably the best! The simple cat-and-mouse plot of the “All Through The House” segment is executed flawlessly, and Oliver MacCreevy is a truly terrifying Santa with his gaunt frame and rotting teeth. It’s a performance that stays with you, even if you see it for the first time as an adult, and especially if you see it when you’re in pre-school. “You just ruined Christmas forever for 30 innocent children!” the teacher shouted at us. “Doesn’t that just prove this movie achieves everything it sets out to do?!” we argued, but to no avail. We are permanently banned from stepping within 500 yards of any school in the State of Michigan.
5. Deadly Games (1989)
We really don’t understand why this one was so poorly received, it’s beat-for-beat the same move as “Home Alone” except the kid is cooler, and instead of going up against slapsticky villains like “The Wet Bandits” he’s faced with a murderous psychopath dressed as Santa. Maybe it was the subtitles? Maybe their teacher should have spent a little less time telling us we belong in hell and threatening to have us arrested and a little more time teaching kids to read!
4. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
This one quickly became a classic of the Christmas horror subgenre and is arguably the most inventive. We honestly thought the kids would dig it because it explains where mall Santas come from, which might clear up some confusion for them, but apparently the kids weren’t pleased with all of the gruesome killing and child abduction the elves got up to before being trained as mall Santa slaves. Also, the real Santa gets blown up, also kind of a hard pill for 5-year-olds to swallow. Still, we maintain that time will prove our screening to be an important, formative experience in our audience’s young lives. Several of them are already speaking again, and almost all of the ones who aren’t are back to eating solid foods without a tube.
3. Christmas Evil (1980)
This is one of the favorite movies of John Waters, director of such classic children’s films as “Pink Flamingos” and “Female Trouble,” but apparently the kids at Sunny Days Pre-K are more decerning than one of cinema’s most important queer icons, who knew? Honestly, we don’t get it, this one should have been a slam dunk. We all have to wrestle with the fact that Santa isn’t real at one point or another, but unlike the rest of us, the main character of this movie actually does something about it and becomes Santa! Sure, it’s a severely unhinged Santa who murders people, but hey, it’s Santa! Though widely regarded as one of the best efforts in the Christmas horror sub-genre, our screening gained some pretty negative reviews. Let’s look at some:
“Santa isn’t real? WAAAAAHHH!” – Timmy Belzer, preschool student
“I hate Santa! I want my mommy! Go away!”” – Lisa Hutchins, preschool student
“If you sick bastards come anywhere near these children again I will fucking kill you!” – Mrs. Kernnel, preschool teacher”
2. Black Christmas (1974)
Try as Hollywood might, again and again, you just can’t top a stone-cold classic. It’s one of the first slasher films ever, pre-dating John Carpenter’s “Halloween” by four years, and it’s the first movie to set the “calls are coming from inside the house!” trope. Despite this pedigree, and one of Margot Kidder’s most nuanced performances, the little brats we screened it for absolutely hated it. First, it was “too slow” and “boring” and then the next thing you know everyone is screaming their heads off, so like, which is it, kids? You know what? Fuck you, Futurebright Preschool, you guys have no taste! The visionary direction of Bob Clark, the inspired cinematography of Reginal H. Morris, the seasoned professionalism of character actor John Saxon, you little bastards don’t deserve any of it! We wouldn’t come back to this preschool even if we were allowed to, which it was made very clear to us we are not, but whatever!
1. Gremlins (1984)
The Joe Dante classic is widely considered the greatest Christmas horror movie of all time and probably will be for decades to come. And honestly, it’s like not-not a kid’s movie! This screening was actually going pretty well overall. The kids thought Gizmo was adorable because, duh, he is, and even when we got to the gross scary gremlins, their antics had enough comedy to them that the kids didn’t cry or pee themselves or flee the room in terror or anything. Yes, everything was going great… until the scene where Kate shares her Christmas story. The double-whammy reveal that Santas isn’t real and that Kate’s dad broke his neck trying to come down the chimney was too much for the little tikes to handle. Still, of all the schools we visited, Happy Clouds Preschool was the most polite in asking us never to come back, so we’re calling our screening of “Gremlins” an absolute win. God bless us, everyone!