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Paleontologists Admit They Still Have No Idea How Dinosaurs Humped

CINCINNATI — Dinosaur experts gathering for the annual Society of Vertebrate Paleontology conference made the surprising announcement that they still can’t explain how the prehistoric reptiles boned down, according to shame-filled sources.

“We’ve skirted around the issue for too long. A lot of people in the research community are very uncomfortable discussing how these creatures turned each out, and whether or not they would perform oral on each other,” said Yale Professor of Evolutionary Biology Wendy Araya, while struggling to arrange two diplodocus models into a position that would facilitate copulation. “Every time a student asks how dinosaurs mated, the academic response is always to quickly change the subject. Really, though, how did they do it? We just don’t know. Most of them had these huge tails obstructing all the important bits, and the prevailing research indicates that male dinosaurs possessed disproportionately tiny weiners.”

Outsider scientist and frequent Joe Rogan guest Fredrick Goldfarb contends that mainstream paleontologists are all wrong about dinosaur genitalia.

“The scientific community is wasting their time wondering how dinosaurs could have achieved penetrative sex if their ding dongs were so small,” said the self-described freethinker. “My careful examination of soft-tissue impressions in the fossil record proves that most dinosaurs in fact had huge hogs, which made intercourse quite manageable, big tails be damned. In fact, some species, such as Tethyshadros, were practically all wang! It’s quite impressive. There are many illustrations in my new book showing dinosaurs with mammoth, veiny bell-ends—and even some with ballsacks the size of a Toyota Yaris.”

Sex therapist Penelope Gagnon has some suggestions for how dinosaurs may have been able to copulate, regardless of who is correct about their size.

“There are many positions which would allow for successful lovemaking between enormous beasts such as these,” said Gagnon, pointing to a diagram-heavy poster. “If two dinosaurs were here in my office seeking guidance, I’d start off by suggesting something mutually pleasurable like Reverse Cowgirl—especially if one partner had an issue with climaxing prematurely. If reproduction was the primary goal, I would recommend The Wheelbarrow. And if they were interested in spicing things up and inviting in a third dinosaur, they could try out The Eiffel Tower.”

At press time, a Harvard University janitor had stumbled upon the dinosaur sex problem on a blackboard, though his solution was deemed idiotic and he was instructed to never touch classroom materials again.