BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Metal show promoter Gary Pearson allegedly requires local bands to sell a minimum of 50 tickets and perform an embarrassing dance in order for them to be placed on a bill with touring acts, several dignity-shredded sources report.
“I don’t know what the big deal is, but I think it has something to do with these young bands not wanting to put in the work these days,” Pearson stated while a young metalhead shined his boots for him. “They’re pretty ungrateful. I’d say they should be honored to have the privilege of opening for their touring heroes who won’t see a second of their set. Plus, it only takes a few days to learn the choreography in the dance and nobody has to get naked or anything. I don’t see what everyone is complaining about.”
Guitarist for local metal band Deathhole Eric Hale felt a little weary by Pearson’s promoting techniques.
“At first, I thought ‘fuck this guy, he can sell his own tickets and shove his dance up his ass,’ but we really wanted to open for Taproot, so we decided to cave,” Hale Explained. “It wasn’t so bad. Sure it was demeaning, and all our friends and family were clearly getting annoyed by us asking them to buy tickets, but we got used to it. Besides, we’re here to support the local scene by any means necessary, even if it means taking out the garbage or picking up the mail for our city’s biggest promoter.”
Retired show promoter Randall Henderson had seen similar tactics used over the course of his 30 years of experience.
“I think it’s hilarious when I hear local bands whining about having to sell a couple of tickets and compromise their dignity to get on a show,” Henderson said. “Back in the 1980s, if your band wanted to get gigs with touring acts, you had to pass an obstacle course, a swimsuit portion, and talent show. And it wasn’t some lame talent show where they play a song or something, we expected explosions or magic tricks. Those were the days.”
At press time, Pearson dropped Deathhole from the bill after their dance only lasted a mere five minutes when it was clearly stipulated to go for 20 minutes at minimum.