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Fuck! My Attorney is Getting Drunk at the Same Bar as Me

Ugh, what a day. I never want to see the inside of a courtroom again! Seriously, you drive drunk through one backyard, end up crashing through an above-ground pool, and it’s all “You ruined our son’s birthday party”! I’m just glad my lawyer stalled the judge long enough to get an extra day to work on my defense. And since I haven’t been hit with a mandated court order to stop drinking just yet, I don’t think there’s any harm in ordering another beer and a bump.

What the hell is taking the bartender so long anyway – wait – it can’t be. Oh lord, that’s my fucking attorney at the end of the bar and he looks even drunker than I am.

Alright, don’t panic. I’m sure he’s just blowing off some steam, after all, it can’t be easy spending all day defending a guy charged with nine counts of vehicular assault. All the billboards say he’s the best DUI attorney in the greater Jacksonville area, I’m sure he’s just going the method route to try and get inside my mind.

Good lord, he pounded that boilermaker fast. This guy is Ivy League, why is he drinking like an overworked high school dropout? And why does he have to do it while clearly reviewing my case files? I’d confront him if I weren’t six Jaegerbombs deep.

At what point does client-attorney privilege end and conflict of interest begin, aside from the mutual interest in getting blind drunk at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday? I can’t fire him now, I’ve already paid his fees upfront! Though now I see where all that money is going, maybe I should’ve cut out the middleman and bought him a few pitchers. Might have saved me an extra six grand. Paid on contingency my ass!

Why didn’t I just go with a public defender? Those guys are probably way too overwhelmed with cases to find time to drink. No, I have to trust this guy. After all, he’s represented half of my family. Though now that I think about it, he lost all those cases.

I’m definitely going to jail.