JOLIET, Ill. — Squatmate of the infamous Hell House Rodney “Worm” Mason is facing doubt from his peers after they discovered he owns not just one, but two sets of sheets, multiple sources sleeping on top of a bare mattress confirmed.
“If his sheets are on his bed, what’s he using to cover his windows?” asked fellow squatter Dan “Maggot” McDermott. “I first suspected he was selling out when I saw him framing his posters, but the 500 thread count sheet set really drove it home for me. What’s next, using a pillowcase instead of a dirty t-shirt, or a duvet cover instead of an army tarp? Where do we draw the line? We need to take a stand against this consumerist yuppie shit, else it’s a slippery slope from here.”
The contraband sheets were discovered by Sarah “Smells” Martin, who broke into Worm’s room and rifled through his drawers looking for spare weed to complete their half-rolled spliff.
“I’ve stumbled upon some pretty horrific shit while going through people’s stuff looking for things to pawn or smoke, but this takes the cake,” said scene veteran Martin. “I’m talking dead ferrets, ziplock bags full of baby teeth, and even an earring with part of someone’s ear still attached to it, but to find two sets of breathable bamboo sheet sets and even a memory foam mattress topper…it’s bone-chilling. I’ve never felt so betrayed”
The backlash hardly comes as a surprise to Worm, who says this type of hyperbolic reaction is “routine” at the dilapidated residence.
“The only reason I even bought a second set of sheets is because someone pissed on my first set, and then accidentally set fire to my bed while trying to dry the area with a space heater,” said Worm. “Everyone’s had it out for me since discovering I wash my jeans instead of sticking them in the freezer. I just hope they don’t find out about the hypoallergenic throw blanket I recently bought wholesale from Target, or I think they’ll all actually kill me.”
At press time, members of the squat were seen making plans to forcibly remove Worm from the premises after discovering he was using soap to wash the dishes instead of just rinsing them with hose water.