It’s that special time of year, a time when we gather those we hold dear to our hearts and celebrate everything past, present, and future that makes us love one another. Or – in the case of most typically dysfunctional families – engage in a delicate ballet of passive aggression as we meander through the obligational minefield of blood relation. To make things a little easier, The Hard Times has gathered a few backhanded compliments to give your dickhead Uncle something to really ponder over on the way back to Sheboygan.
“Wow, you’ve really filled out since I last saw you”
A classic in the game of sowing self-doubt, this bad boy can be used on any family member of any age. There’s never a bad time to bring the jersey down from the rafters. Other variants include, “That wife must be a good cook!”, or “Penn State must have a great dining hall.” For maximum effect, we recommend using it on someone who has noticeably lost weight.
“I love your unique taste”
Don’t worry they’ll know you’re taking a stab at that ridiculous-looking coat, or the rotary telephone they appear to have tried to turn into wall art. This one applies well across generational extremes – take aim at a Thomas Kincaid painting, or someone who obviously fancies themselves a Goodwill aficionado.
“I think it’s badass that you cut your own hair”
A great jab at the narcissist in the family, this shot is best taken at the first sight of bangs. Should you maybe hold your tongue at an obvious and tragic “haircut gone wrong” situation? Probably. Should she have even attempted that look with that round face? Absolutely the fuck not. Speak your backhanded truth.
“It’s good to see all that acne finally cleared up”
The longer it’s been since they had acne, the more sting you can apply here – a naive college student may actually find this one to be genuinely pleasant. Beware, however, as you may find braver subjects lifting their shirts to show their backs and reveal the fact that it has not, in fact, cleared up.
“I’m so jealous of how comfortable you look all the time”
The greasy hair, the baggy sweatpants, the dog hair-covered hoodie – we all know who we’re talking about, and deep down we might actually envy their ability to seemingly weaponize their laziness toward every collared shirt in the room during the holidays. But that’s no reason to let them or their deerskin slippers walk away unscathed. Make them uncomfortable.
“Kudos to you for staying single this long”
The older the subject here, the brighter the burn. Being hurtled through this mortal coil devoid of any romantic meaning is not something that could realistically be painted in a positive light, but by God, you’re going to get your kicks somehow. (Bonus points if you start rattling off about a litany of your own romantic interests.)
“It’s so great that you guys are still making things work after… well, you know”
At a first glance, this one might come off as very specific – a reference to a couple’s tendency to argue, some publicized financial woes, or that thing with your rich asshole brother’s au pair. But this one in particular is even more fun if no family drama is present, as you can watch as the, “What the fuck is he talking about?” conversation quietly unfolds in the corner after dinner.
“It’s awesome to see someone get a degree that isn’t for a paycheck”
Sure STEM majors will find quality jobs, and maybe they’ll get decent credit scores and housing opportunities as a result. However, for cousin Angie and her Art History degree, there’s no better reason to plunge into $120,000 of debt before drinking age than passion. Let her know it’s great that she’s in it for the love of the game, as long as she understands the “game” is crippling debt.
“I can barely smell the cats at all this year”
Yeah, we also winced when Mom said everyone was meeting at Debbie’s for Christmas Eve this year. No one in their right mind needs nine fucking cats. That’s 91 lives, for God’s sakes. She’ll love hearing that it smells a lot less like piss this time around, but it’s important she knows it definitely still smells like piss.
“Watching you kill that fifth of Jäger and fighting those carolers last Christmas is my favorite holiday memory”
Gotta be honest here, nothing backhanded about this one. Your brother-in-law Bret really is just a total fucking badass. You know how heavy your hands have to be to get blacklisted by the Methodist Church? They’d take donations from Satan. We’d recommend bringing a fifth of that good ol’ fashioned German sunrise to every holiday, in case you need Bret to sort some shit out with those lunchbox fists.
“I bet you could give that bastard Joey Chestnut a run for his money”
You can’t serve 100 Nathan’s hotdogs for Christmas dinner, but we’re as certain as you are that Uncle Arnie would tear that shit up in world record time. Anyone who is finishing off the snot-rimmed plates left at the kid’s table needs to understand what an insatiable animal they truly are. Competitive eating is obviously just a way of life for some.
“Your plastic surgeon has REALLY turned things around for you”
Nature is an unstoppable tide – people get old, they start to look like disgusting shit. So it’s always interesting seeing a loved one go from looking like the Crypt-Keeper, to looking like the Crypt-Keeper with pouty lips and significantly larger breasts. And while it’s definitely not your thing, I guess it does technically qualify as an improvement.
“I wish I had dentures like you, they seem so cool”
A nice cheap shot at the elderly, this is best followed up by a long explanation of what a burden teeth are. Of course, your explanation should double as a list of all the reasons having your teeth attached to your head is superior in every way. Think of it like a dental humblebrag.
“I knew you’d beat that DUI charge – now Uncle Steve owes me $200 bucks”
We’re not trying to gas Bret up any more than we already have, but he beat those charges harder than he beat those two baritones last Christmas, and won you $200 dollars in the process. What can’t this guy do? Next Christmas, we’re gifting him a cruise (and a fifth of Jäger, of course).
“I had a surprisingly good time this year”
Leave them with a slow burn. Expectations were low, and they should know it. But with a full belly, $200 in your pocket (thanks, Bret), and not-so-subtle jabs for each of your family members to chew on for the next few days, it would be hard not to call this holiday a success. Another one down, 364 days to practice for next year.
Happy Holidays!
Okay, you got us, it’s not the real L. Ron Hubbard, the REAL LRH shed his body years ago to combat an ancient thetan, but it is one of his helpers! Go to any American mall with a Santa Clause. Then go to the basement of said mall and you’ll find an LRH willing to interrogate your child and take a photo! Every L. Ron Helper has been meticulously modeled to resemble LRH right down to the contemptuous grin and the unmistakable smell of ketchup soup wafting on their breath!
Scientologist families have enjoyed this festive tradition since 2007, in which the children are encouraged to search all through the house for any tangible evidence that Shelly Miscavige is alive and well! They won’t succeed of course, but the hunt builds character, and in a way, it keeps Shelly alive!
Look kids, it’s our boy Tom Cruise! And he’s got a cool racecar! Look at the way he handles that thing! Those are the trademark reflexes of an Operating Thetan performing at peak efficiency if we’ve ever seen one!
Who needs Santa Claus when you’ve got the star of “Saturday Night Fever” and “Grease,” John Travolta?! Every year the Scientology celebrity center is flooded with letters from children telling John what gifts they want this year, and reminding him that they know a thing or two about certain sexual predilections he may or may not have that he definitely wants kept under wraps! How does John Travolta deliver gifts to all good Scientologist children in a single night? He has his own plane and a very shadowy past, that’s how!
So many ways to celebrate this tradition. You could make threatening phone calls to a psychiatrist. You could break into their home and just move stuff around so they know someone’s been there. You could make bogus complaints to the police about noise and spousal abuse. However you decide to celebrate, rest assured the psychiatrist deserves it. Their profession makes them an SP and a liar. We all know that mental illness only occurs when someone attempts to read “Excalibur” without the proper training!
May they complete you as you complete them! Whether it’s scrubbing the decks of the Sea Org, handing out pamphlets to susceptibles downtown or just volunteering to be the person David Miscavige eats sushi off of for a day, you can’t be an Operating Thetan without operating!
Sadly most acolytes of The Church Of Scientology are happy to just sign the one billion-year contract and call it a day, but real Scientologists understand that ridding yourself of alien volcano ghosts means total commitment! It’s the season of giving, so why not go ahead and pledge another billion years of servitude to the church?
As altruistic purveyors of truth, Scientologists have a lot of high-profile enemies, and attacking them all would be a full-time job! Instead, why not pick a personal top 5 and focus on them? No one expects you to goad Beck into hitting you at the airport, urinate on William S. Burroughs’s grave, and leave threatening voicemails on Katie Holmes’s phone all in one year! Just harass Beck and mess with a few lower lever/more accessible Suppressive Persons in your area.
Whether your child is playing the head Psychlo or just a desolate mountain, you’ll cherish watching them re-enact the most thrilling L. Ron Hubbard story ever to be called “Not merely bad, unpleasant in a hostile way” by known SP Roger Ebert!
Sure, the church has tax-exempt status for now, but a little insurance in the form of sensitive information goes a long way to keeping it for decades to come. Do you have hard evidence that an IRS employee has been unfaithful to their spouse or has a drinking problem? Send it Miscavige’s way!
Have you? You do need to tell us. It’s for your own good.
There’s our boy T.C. again! Boy, he looks good! Shredded! Even with his deformity makeup on the man is a specimen! Say it all together kids: “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!” In other words, happy holidays!
It’s the season of giving, so why not give a naive person who thinks they’re happy the gift of hooking them up to a pseudo lie detector and informing them that their body is full of suppressive ghosts? Just make sure they’re “poor” in the sense that they are unfamiliar with the world of L. Ron Hubbard, not poor financially. We’re trying to run a church, not some charity!
You better be good all year kids or the voice of Bart Simpson will throw you in a burlap sack and volunteer you for Sea Org duty!
It’s the newest Scientology holiday tradition, sort of like our elf on a shelf!
Clearly more Coke than Jack. I downed this in about three gulps while Dale from AP (I think? Maybe AR) was talking to me about how “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie and then somehow transitioned into how he thinks his wife might be cheating on him with his brother. I needed to be way more buzzed to deal with this.