Press "Enter" to skip to content

Rescue Workers Save Abused Acoustic Guitar From Frat House

BALTIMORE — Volunteers with the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Acoustics (PETA (But Not Assholes)) recently rescued a badly mistreated Yamaha acoustic guitar from the local chapter house of the Delta Alpha Hoffa fraternity, righteous sources confirmed.

“This little guy has been through so much. I can’t even imagine how many coked-out frat boys have attempted to bang out a sloppy ‘Wonderwall’ cover on him just because they think it’ll be impressive enough to deserve a handjob,” lamented rescue worker Gail Freeman. “We’re gonna get this good boy here all fixed up – replace those ratty strings, clean some of those Skoal stains out, and see if we can’t sand off the spot where someone carved ‘McCoy Sux Butts’ into the headstock.”

Delta Alpha Hoffa’s community outreach chair Derek White objected to the abuse allegations made against the DAH brotherhood.

“It’s not all crazy toga parties and nightly panty raids like in the movies – we take pride in doing our part for the community. Just the other day we had our annual highway cleanup day and a full four of us weren’t too hungover to attend. That’s a new record!” explained White. “How could anyone think we would ever hurt a guitar? That’s like, as bad as snapping a brother’s Dave Matthews CD in half. I don’t care how mad you get, bro. There’s just no call for that kind of attitude.”

Peter Klein, owner and manager of inner harbor music shop Crab People Audio, detailed the vetting process that ethical instrument sellers use before placing a guitar with a new home.

“A lot of the smaller, local shops have pretty strict conduct standards for individuals looking to adopt a guitar. If I hand it to them and they immediately start playing ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ I take it right back and tell them to get the hell out,” explained Klein. “Some of the pawn shops around here are a little more relaxed about standards like ‘no shamrock tattoos’ or ‘refer to the fretboard as “the finger part,”’ but for the most part we’re all still looking out for the security of these precious, hollow-body angels.”

At press time, rescue workers also found a pair of badly beaten bongo drums in the fraternity house, which unfortunately, they were forced to euthanize.