FREDERICK, Md. – A local movie theater recently removed the front rows of seats so the throngs of attending dads could watch “Napoleon” while standing a few feet from the screen, relay sources in tricorn hats.
“Not a bad setup at all,” said local father of three Tim Brunson, barely able to contain his excitement. “I hate going to the movies because they complain when you get out of your seat to meander back and forth across the screen for 10 or 15 minutes. I got a good job, I work hard for my money, and the last thing I need is some snot-nosed punk telling me to sit back in my seat. I bought a ticket, damn it! And how I watch the movie should be up to me. But now I’ll be watching one of history’s most accomplished generals while standing with my hand resting comfortably on the giant leather phone case on my belt. So that’s a pretty solid deal if you ask me.”
Theatergoer Sandra Fokina wishes the theater would take renovations a step further, however.
“All those dads just stand there shouting unsolicited advice at the screen for the entire movie,” reported Fokina while liking an Instagram reel someone sent her without watching it. “Not only do they point out every tactical error Napoleon makes on the battlefield, but they’re also highlighting technical errors as well. Everyone noticed that one shot of the Duke of Wellington was out of focus, they didn’t need to talk about it for the next half an hour. It’s so annoying. If only they’d put up a soundproof booth for these guys, maybe the rest of us could enjoy the movie in peace.”
Trent Newgarden, the theater’s manager, says the renovation project nearly missed the movie’s big premiere.
“Truth be told, a bunch of old dudes stood around monitoring the construction and it freaked the workers out,” said Newgarden as he increased concession prices by 300%. “As such, the work was delayed because we kept having to shoo them away. I assume they’re all retired, because these dads would show up to the work site even before the crew did. Then they’d just sip coffee and occasionally nod to one another. None of them ever said anything, thank god, but sometimes that’s even worse.”
At press time, Brunson was seen writing down Napoleon facts to share with other dads at the next screening.