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American Psychological Association Announces “Feeling Like Dying But Not Really Suicidal” New Baseline For Normal Mental Health

WASHINGTON — A new press release from the APA updated the definition of normal psychological well-being to better reflect the realities of life in the 21st century, according to anhedonic sources.

“From time to time, the baseline of what constitutes mental wellness needs to be revised,” said APA spokesperson Amelia Caldwell as she chewed a handful of Zoloft. “These updates compensate for changing cultural and environmental circumstances. A ‘death wish’ was once the sign of a person in deep distress, but given that the very fabric of society seems to be unraveling, coupled with stagnant wages, ever-rising expenses, and looming ecological collapse, that sentiment is now par for the course for being human in present times”

Struggling working people such as Maya Santiago, 34, have been largely relieved to find out that their near-crippling ennui is now considered completely average.

“I thought that the overwhelming desire to lie down and never get up meant I had severe psychological issues,” said Santiago, getting ready to leave for one of her three jobs. “I just lived with it because I couldn’t afford therapy. However, the new guidelines are saying that I’m not as fucked up as I thought I was—I’m just a typical American citizen. It makes me feel better that I’m not the only one who fantasizes about being struck down by a meteor on my way to work. Mind you, I’m not actively suicidal at all. I just kinda think being dead without actually killing myself would be easier and way less exhausting.”

Psychologist Karl Schweitzer believes increases in apathy and despair among the general population should be expected, considering the state of the world.

“You hear this nonsense such as, ‘people don’t want to work anymore,’” said Schweitzer while puffing on his pipe. “Can you blame them? When boomers were young, they could pay for college flipping burgers, buy a house on a single salary, and retire with a pension. Now people can’t afford to even rent. The average American is being crushed under a debt burden with no prospect of relief. Our political system is breaking down, and we’re headed toward climate disaster. It’s only natural for people to be walking around secretly wishing a piano would fall on them.”

As of press time, the APA had issued an addendum noting that the guidelines do not apply to the very wealthy, who tend to get on just fine regardless of the nightmarish conditions of modern existence.