The Sinister Plan Revealed
A sleeping virus incapacitates Luke and Han, and Boba makes his sinister move. He travels to the city and gets a cure for the sleeping virus, as promised, he cures Luke and Han, and then says “By the way, I’m actually a bad guy!” before flying off. It’s an important reminder that sometimes evil just helps you and then leaves.
Lumpy Shields An Imperial Soldier From Reality
When an imperial soldier inquires what Lumpy is watching, he quickly switches the screen to a video game until the soldier walks off. He doesn’t want the soldier, evil as he may be, to wrestle with the revelations that there are cartoons in the universe that portray real life made by some god-like unseen hand. It’s acts of kindness like this that Life Day is all about.
The Empire Tears Lumpy’s Room Apart, But By The Grace Of The Force They Are Unable To Find His Cocaine
In true S.S. fashion, the imperials tear Lumpy’s room apart, smashing his toys, even ripping open his stuffed animals. Somehow, by the grace of the force, they are unable to find his multiple kilos of pure, unstepped Colombian marching powder. A Life Day miracle!
Lumpy Watches A Corporate Produced Assembly Instruction Video!
“Find the circuit breaker module, and by the way, let’s start calling these components by their proper names.” This station of the Life Day reminds us that sometimes life is just boring as shit and only there to fill some time.
Life On Tatooine
An alert goes off, and the imperial soldiers are informed that it’s time for their mandatory viewing of the television show “Life On Tatooine.” The announcer explains that this show simply gives live footage of what’s happening on Tatooine right now, to show the soldiers how good they have it compared to people who live there, as he presumably does before every episode? This station of the Life Day reminds each of us that life is full of the most contrived, convoluted transitions you can possibly imagine and often to no real payoff.
B Arthur Politely Rebukes a Sexual Predator
On tonight’s “Life on Tatooine” we just happen to be taken to Mos Eisley, the infamous spaceport and a set CBS evidently had access to. And who is behind the bar but beloved “Golden Girls” actress B Arthur! In this segment, Arthur is aggressively harassed by a patron who would like to have sex with her. Life Day, yay!
Curfew
The Imperials are such dicks that they step on their own “Life on Tatooine” segment by issuing a curfew on Tatooine, prompting B Arthur to sing a little song before kicking out all of her rubber-face customers. She thinks they have all left, then turns around and to her horror sees her harasser behind the bar offering her a flower. The screen goes dark, and we are left pondering B Arthur’s fate. Life Day, yay!
The Commercial For Whatever The Fuck “Flying High” Was
Indescribable. Look it up.
Return of the Father/Murder
Whether it’s Christmas, Hanukkah, or Life Day, it’s just not the holidays until Daddy gets home with his pirate buddy and murders the soldier in your house.
The Holding of The Orbs Of Some Kind
Your family is complete, and it is almost time to ascend! The nature and purpose of the orbs is unknown to us, for we are not worthy, but they light up, so why not hold them and sort of like moan-chant for a while?!
Ascension to the Great Orb
Yes! Yes! The Time is nigh! You’ve held the small glowing orbs, you have all put on your crimson robes to mask the fact that the budget ran out and everyone is just wearing Chewbacca Halloween masks, it is time to walk single file into the giant orb of light!
The Great Tree, Which This Has Clearly All Been About The Whole Time
It’s time, the big reveal! Where does the mysterious giant orb of light take us all? Why, to a giant tree, out back. And, uh, everyone we were just hanging out with is there. And robes! Did we mention robes?!
C3PO And R2D2 Lament The Fact They Are Not Alive
“Happy Life Day. Happy Life Day Everyone. And we’re certainly glad that we were invited to celebrate. Yes R2? It is indeed true that at times like this, R2 and I wish more than ever that we weren’t just mechanical beings and were really alive, so that we could share your feelings.” Just a fun reminder that the droids you have come to know and love are, even within the fictional universe of “Star Wars,” just things. Life Day!
Princess Leia Sings
Like an unhinged aunt hijacking the microphone at a bar mitzvah, Leia stumbles in and reminds all of the Wookiees that today is their day before subjecting them to an off-key song. It’s a reminder that even on the holiest of days, some people are totally crazy, and you just have to roll with it.
Saying Grace
All of the madness and low-budget lunacy culminates in Chewbacca and his family holding hands around the dinner table and moaning what is presumably some sort of prayer. It’s not very exciting or climatic. Life Day!
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