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Top 15 Reverb Pedals of 2023 to Hide The Fact That You Can’t Play Barre Chords

Playing guitar is fun; learning to play guitar sucks wet ass. And no part of ascending Shred Mountain is more frustrating than attempting to master barre chords. Fingers just aren’t supposed to move like that. Everyone else who can play them is lying.

But you’re in luck! Advances in technology have led people to create reverb pedals so good, no one will notice that only 2 out of 6 strings on your axe are ringing out. Now sit back and allow us here at The Hard Times to list the top 15 reverb pedals that came out in 2023 to hide your lack of talent, will to practice, and teensy-tiny hands.

15. BOSS RV-200

BOSS pedals are always there when you need them. And you currently need a reverb to hide your lack of digital dexterity. With 12 reverb algorithms, you’ll easily obscure the fact that you can’t press down on all 6 strings at once. Quit spending time practicing and hurting those fingers; start tweaking knobs and posting Instagram reels of you playing 2 notes with a fuckton of reverb.

14. Earthquaker Ledges Tri-Dimensional Reverberation Machine

While BOSS pedals are dependable, they aren’t necessarily the coolest kids on the block. Neither are you and your lack of barre chords. Enter Earthquaker devices- a popular yet boutique-ish pedal company. The smooth plate decay will let your notes sound huge; the opposite of your apparently tiny, Trumpian hands. You must have the smallest hands of anyone who has ever tried to play guitar. But that won’t stop you from impressing your crush by entering the big end-of-year talent show.

13. Universal Audio Heavenly Plate Reverb

When you’re ready to play in front of others, only the highest sonic fidelity will do; enter Universal Audio. The Heavenly Plate’s ringing trails will help calm your nerves as your minuscule fingers fumble around the fretboard while your crush sits in the front row of the talent show. Oh no, you absolutely biffed it on an F-major barre! Turns out not even the highest quality engineer can save that god-awful sound. A baby started crying after the screeching feedback started. Ouch.

12. Strymon Cloudburst

Your rival closed out the talent show with an epic set of shredding, singing, and pyro. To top it all off, they used the Strymon Cloudburst which gave their perfectly executed barre chords a heavenly shimmer. After the show your rival hooked up with your crush in a night of multiple orgasms for the both of them; your only option is to go home and masturbate pathetically with your tiny, cursed hands.

11. SONICAKE Levitate

Upon waking up the next morning from your evening of friction-filled anger wanking, you realize you are still light years away from decent tone. It’s time to look for something a bit more esoteric- why not try the SONICAKE Levitate pedal? Investigate its dark arts while you curse your bloodline for giving you such inept, petite hand genetics. Curse, curse them.

10. Walrus Audio Slöer

All the previous pedals were nice enough, but clearly your situation requires something stronger. Enter the Walrus Audio Slöer. Its emphasis on ambience will leave you intoxicated with tone. So intoxicated, in fact, that you start to Google “hand enlargement surgery” and find a doctor in Tijuana who will help you out on the cheap. Flight prices aren’t bad, as long as you don’t mind a layover or two.

9. Recovery Moonstruck

The Recovery Moonstruck fits a real spring reverb into an average effect pedal size. This will be useful as you embark on your 2 day, 5 layover journey to Tijuana. Find a solid power outlet in the Dallas Love Field, plug in your pedalboard and pocket amp, and enjoy true analog reverb before making the worst decision of your life.

8. Meris Effects MercuryX

Welcome to Mexico! I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that last night you scored a sweet deal on the Meris Effects MercuryX, one of the deepest reverb devices ever made. The bad news is it’s a counterfeit, you’re seconds away from hand enlargement surgery, and this ramshackle “surgery center” ran out of anesthesia and painkillers. Good luck, hoss.

7. Electro-Harmonix Oceans 3-Verb

Thankfully, you blacked out during your experimental surgery. Unfortunately, it was only for the last five minutes. That means you endured about three and a half hours of unsterilized, improvised surgery by a mysterious surgeon named Dr. Sven. You were smart enough to leave the Voice Memo app recording the whole process; now you can run your screams through some effects like the EH Oceans 3-Verb for drenched tones on a budget. The sounds of your agony will definitely go viral on TikTok. But one step at a time: let’s get your hands out of these bandages.

6. Catalinbread CBX Gated Reverb

Upon removing the bandages, you gaze upon the beautiful Butterball turkeys that are your new hands. These boulders could crush a skull, let alone master barre chords effortlessly. Sure your fingers are currently numb and immobile, but you can still use Siri to order a reverb pedal to wait for you at home. Consider the Catalinbread CBX for iconic ’80s gated reverb sounds.

5. Alabs CETUS Reverb

Flying back home was tougher than you imagined; your numb fingers could barely swipe through Apple Wallet to produce flight tickets. It’s been a few days now, and these digits are barely functional. A sickening feeling takes hold as you hope beyond all hope that you didn’t royally fuck up what little guitar prospects you had in life. The Alabs CETUS Reverb is a full-featured, reasonably priced option for those regretting past decisions.

4. Maneco Labs 4AD Reverb + Delay

The day has come; it’s time to try your guitar. It feels awkward and unwieldy in your fucked up Frankenstein hands. Not only do you fail at barre chords, you can’t even muster the “Seven Nation Army” riff anymore. Your playing is fucked. You can’t do shit musically. While running your ol’ trusty axe through the Maneco Labs 4AD produces some nice echoes for your guitar amp’s feedback, you have no interest in becoming a noise musician. Everything is fucked.

3. Pigtronix Cosmosis

It’s hopeless. What were once perfectly fine, somewhat dainty hands are now hideous abominations of Man’s hubris. You could have learned barre chords if you just stuck with it. You could have practiced then run sick lead lines through the Pigtronix Cosmosis reverb featuring morphing technology. Unfortunately, the pedal’s morphing only reminds you of the shortcut of trying to morph your hands into something they were not. Time to sell your guitar on Craigslist.

2. M-VAVE Mini Universe

The news shoved a knife through your heart— your rival won the Powerball while you were in Mexico. And even worse, your rival and crush are pregnant together. The cherry on top is that they are naming the baby after you ironically. To add salt to the wound, a package showed up mere minutes after selling your guitar: it’s the M-VAVE Mini Universe reverb pedal you forgot you purchased from AliExpress. You have nothing to plug it into. Reviews say it sounds quite good, but you don’t care and throw it in the trash.

1. Hologram Electronics Chroma Console

You’ve ruined your life. You have no lover, you can’t play guitar anymore, and somehow you have the cartel after you. After spending days motionless on the couch binging YouTube videos, you have a realization. You can still make music! You don’t need manual dexterity or skill- you can simply get a bass. In time, you’ll be able to manage fretting one note on those big, oafish strings. Check out the Hologram Electronics Chroma Console pedal. It’s the pastel-colored hipster favorite multi-effect making the rounds with YouTube influencers. The reverb is to die for, let alone the other features like fuzz and modulation. This whole experience taught you a valuable lesson. Music isn’t about art or connecting with other people- music is just another way for capitalism to infect your brain with an incessant need to keep buying shit you don’t need to fill a void that follows you every waking moment of your life.