It’s a normal problem: your friend brought you to this exclusive sex party, but you want to listen to Sufjan Stevens. Suddenly, you’re in a beautiful tony environment. This downtown loft has velvet curtains. The scented candles are a nice touch. Whoever is throwing this party has money. You might be the only newbie here; everyone here seems to know each other, or is at least familiar with the general mood. And you can tell – these are definitely people that want to listen to Sufjan Stevens during an orgy. Where’s that aux cord? This Sade and D’Angelo playlist is working OK, but it’s time to bring the level of sincere earnestness up in this room. Group sex is always improved with tragic ballads and whimsical instrumentation. You’ve come ready with condoms, lube and a rich playlist of spiritual heartbreak pop – let’s get ready to fuck!
“All of the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands”
Has there ever been a sexier title to a song? This title alone will get the groove going. Also it’s from Sufjan’s album on Christian themes, ‘Seven Swans’ from 2004. Everyone is lounging on these couches in cuddle puddles, passing around spliffs and making out. Surely they want to talk about their religious experiences. You proudly walk around saying, “More like ‘All of the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Cheeks,’ amirite? Hum along loudly to let everyone know what a big Sufjan fan you are.
“John Wayne Gacy Jr.”
Get everyone at the orgy hot and bothered by bringing up one of America’s most notorious serial killers. Sufjan’s dulcet tones express the horror of discovering bodies under the floorboards, while bodies writhe on conveniently-placed mattresses. The folks on the balcony hot tub seem to enjoy this track. It’s just rude that everyone is too distracted to compliment you on your clown makeup.
“Carrie & Lowell”
Remember that nice couple you met at the start of the party? Mike and Susan? You try singing the start of this song to them, replacing the title names with their names. Unfortunately they’re a bit distracted, both being fucked by strangers. That’s alright, you’ll catch up with them later. They’re gonna love this bit.
“My Little Red Fox”
You walk around the party, trying to talk about the new Sufjan Stevens album, how heartbreaking and devastating the material is. Nobody really wants to engage and at this point, most people are pretty busy in the bedrooms. That’s alright, all the more reason to go to the kitchen and make a snack. Perhaps pop in your AirPods and give the new Sufjan album a listen while at this fuck party. Plus now you have this bowl of martini olives all to yourself, so it’s only uphill. Also, the cake they ordered is surprisingly delicious. You find the name of the bakery on the box and write it down in your Notes app for later. Who knew orgy cake was so good?
“Romulus”
The next song to come up is from his 2003 album ‘Michigan.’ This one is so good, you have to share it with the crowd. Find a mini-Bluetooth speaker and walk into the different bedrooms blasting this somber tune. Swinging couples definitely need lyrics like “When my turn came
/ I was ashamed,” to know that they’re having a good time. No performance issues while Sufjan Stevens is blasting!
“Lady Macbeth in Chains”
A crowd of people fucking each other absolutely love allusions to Shakespeare. Blast this sweetly sung tune to the sweaty swinging couples. If anyone asks, you can readily respond that this is from his 2021 collaboration with Angelo De Augustine. That catchy chorus is undeniable, even as people begin to ask you to politely go away.
“Will Anybody Ever Love Me?”
At this point the party is fully swinging, which is a perfect time to walk around loudly singing lyrics like, “Will anybody ever love me? / For good reasons, without grievance / Not for sport.” Look people dead in the eyes as they’re inside other guests, create a real moment of bonding. Hell, you even brought a sealed vinyl of his latest album ‘Javelin,’ which people have mostly been using to pass around coke.
“O Come O Come Emmanuel”
Clearly you chose this for the clever title. Unfortunately nobody else notices. You point this out to people actively achieving orgasm, totally disinterested. “Is this a fucking Christmas song, dude?” someone asks. You just turn the volume up on the Bluetooth speaker. Counteract any negativity by blasting this centuries-old Christian hymn, sung by your boy Sufjan.
“Visions of Gideon”
Remember how good that movie ‘Call Me By Your Name’ was? If people aren’t as receptive to talking about Sufjan, maybe you can chat about movies. Maybe swap Letterboxd info? Get our phone out, wave it around and ask people what their “Top 4” are. Strike up a chat with the voyeurs. The men standing at the edges of the room pleasuring themselves seem to be super into this song.
“Happy Birthday”
The friend that brought you here is very popular. Everyone seems to love them! Between the double penetration and busy hands, you forget that it’s your friend’s birthday. You go up to them and play this song from Sufjan’s first album ‘A Sun Came.’ They politely smile but wave you away, distracted by the face-level genitalia surrounding them. That’s alright, you’ll play this track for them on the car ride home.
“Chicago”
This is it. Time to get the spirits lifted with this anthem. Maybe swap out the tiny Bluetooth speaker and instead connect directly into the home speaker system. Make sure it’s loud enough for the people fucking upstairs to hear you. Hey, is that someone tapping their toe in the bathroom line? At least someone is into this!
“Too Much”
Sufjan’s experimental pivot on 2010’s ‘The Age of Adz’ is so brave, similar to how brave you are in even coming here. You try to discuss this sense of courage with young disinterested swingers taking body shots off people twice their age. Some dude buried by bodies in the other room yells, “Play something else. Play literally anything else.” You get it, some people prefer Sufjan’s earlier work. You’re just trying to find a happy medium for everyone to enjoy his masterful artistry at this sex party.
“Holland”
Walk around the party and ask people, “So do you think he’ll ever complete the ‘50 States’ album project or what?” This one is a bit slower pace, so feel free to vibe out and just drink in the entire scene. Moans surround you. You are in an ocean of limbs. Someone begins nibbling on your ear, but they walk away as soon as you start singing to yourself. Some people just don’t get it, man.
“Should Have Known Better”
Honestly, that entire 2015 album ‘Carrie & Lowell’ is such an aphrodisiac. In between tears while considering the album’s emotional heft, feel free to discuss your childhood trauma with guests at the fuck party. You ask one woman if she’s ever been left at a video store (per the lyrics of this song), but she says video stores weren’t really around anymore when she was a kid. This only increases your urge to hide in the bathroom and cry. Luckily the host has provided plenty of Kleenex boxes, sanitary wipes and bottles of mouthwash to help you freshen up.
“The Ascension”
At this point you might start getting some pushback. A man covered in latex has made a formal complaint against you. You’ve basically been playing Sufjan Stevens for the entire sex party. The host even had a playlist planned. Point out how Sufjan’s work is perfect for post-coital relaxation; everyone can metaphysically dive into the fleeting nature of life and love. Somehow the crowd just ain’t buying it. It also doesn’t help that you’re wearing his concert tee.
“The Dress Looks Nice On You”
An absent-minded compliment to a stranger (the same title as this song) soon truly drags you into the party. Off goes the belt and you find yourself in a dark room with strangers, sensations you’ve only dreamed of. You quickly put a stop to the lusty embraces. “Not today!” you shout, hurrying back to the main room so you can continue talking with guests about Sufjan Stevens.
“Celebration I”
Word of your poor etiquette spreads around the gangbang. Your friend is deeply embarrassed. You reason with the group and switch to his more ambient-leaning album. No lyrics, less distracting and heavy, right? If only they understood that his 2021 album ‘Convocations’ explores the “five “stages of grief.” This is exactly the kind of energy you want to bring to any social event, especially one where casual sex is involved.
“Enchanting Ghost”
At this point, people are pretty displeased, even with such a lovely song as 2010’s “Enchanting Ghost.” Words like “buzzkill” are being thrown around. People are dunking on you for “a complete lack of rizz.” This simply isn’t the aesthetic they are going for. You are politely asked to leave the sexy party. It’s almost like nobody actively fucking wants to think about religious symbolism or emotionally-wrought abstractions sung by someone with the voice of an angel.
“City of Roses”
Right as you try to explain that ‘The Greatest Gift’ is an album filled with unreleased tracks from ‘Carrie & Lowell,’ you are quickly shown the door. It’s been enough spreading dread and contemplation for one evening, especially at a gathering that is supposed to be fun, kinky and relaxing. I guess no one here wants to explore the cruelty of existence and longing! On the way out, let everyone know you’re on Spotify in case anyone wants the Sufjan playlist that played while everyone fucked.
“Casimir Pulaski Day”
Once you’ve been thrown out of the sex party, return with a portable speaker. Blast this outside the loft windows. People will hastily dress themselves, crawl to the window, and finally understand this song. You’ll win them over with this beautiful tune from his 2005 ‘Illinois’ album, which is actually your favorite album for getting down. Isn’t it the same for everyone else? There truly is no greater joy on Earth than non-committal sex scored by Sufjan Stevens.
Photo by Nina Corcoran.