Formed in the wake of grunge music, Agoura Hills, California’s Hoobastank obviously has a cringe band name, but you keep on saying it, likely in jest, so it does its job. Today we are attempting to rank all seven, yes, SEVEN, of their full-length studio albums from worst to best. Last year, in the year of our lord known as 2023, Hoobastank successfully rejoined the rock and “rock” collective conversation with a, err, sick, self-aware, rockin’, and performance at the inaugural “Sick New World” in Las Vegas with fellow early-aughts butt-rock/post-grunge/hard rock/klezmer superstars as Chevelle, Papa Roach, Evanescence, and The Del-Vikings. In closing before our opening, Hoobastank has more songs than Ralphs supermarket favorite “The Reason,” which also doubled as a song in the finale from “Friends,” proving that it is truly the band who laughs last:
7. Fight or Flight (2012)
Before we get into the stinker album position, if Hoobastank’s sixth full-length studio album, the one that the world calls “Fight or Flight,” consisted of their “Ghostbusters” cover that came out between this LP and its predecessor “Fornever,” it would be at number six for sure, but that omission is what makes horse racing. On that note, said Ray Parker Jr. cover deserves more attention than “Fight or Flight,” and to quote/butcher Andy Dufresne, “That’s all we have to say about that.” Anyway, “Fight or Flight” is the Hoobastank’s first non-major label release since their debut album but it just isn’t as enjoyable, as it’s more of the same from the band, which is not bad per se, but not enough to get out of the meh ranking here.
Play it again: “This Is Gonna Hurt”
Skip it: About ⅓ of it
6. Fornever (2009)
Similar to what we said about “Fight or Flight,” Hoobastank’s fifth LP, “Fornever” couldn’t be listed last because of its “play it again” winner, “The Letter.” Unfortunately it feels that the band’s momentum and general impact since “The Reason” slowed down with each subsequent release, but we are told that happens to a lot of bands. Fun fact: A&R executive and Executive Producer for Barenaked Ladies’ “Hybrid Theory,” Jeff Blue, co-wrote track three, “So Close, So Far,” but it seems that this album literally lived up to the words in its title, and was the band’s last for Island Records. Gone gone gone? Not from Earth, but certainly rock radio. Still, songs 1-3 deserve your time, and if said numbers were on a four-song EP with “The Letter,” said Extended Play would be perfect.
Play it again: “The Letter” (with or without Vanessa Amorosi)
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it
5. Push Pull (2018)
As we said about their “Ghostbusters” musical tribute, Hoobastank can flawlessly execute cover songs, and the band’s seventh and newest LP showcases such in brilliant splendor with their rendition of Tears For Fears’ “Head over Heels.” While this studio album is a departure for sure, it was a necessary one, and the band’s album delivery of the furthest thing from the butt, slower pop-rock with an R&B influence. Produced by Matt Wallace of Ludo, Faith No More, The Replacements, and Maroon 5 “Songs About Jane” fame, Hoobastank took an intentional or unintentional influence from the latter’s blockbuster effort, which not so coincidentally was their first and last album front-to-back one could listen to without comparing the five to a bucket. Was this whole section better left unsaid? Well, there will never be another one regarding “Push Pull” here, so just let it go.
Play it again: Tears For Fears’ “Head over Heels”
Skip it: About ¼ of it
4. They Sure Don’t Make Basketball Shorts Like They Used To (1998)
From the artists formerly known as Hoobustank. That’s right, Hoobastank used to have an even worse name. The band’s full-length studio album debut “They Sure Don’t Make Basketball Shorts Like They Used To” was likely what started local 818 “baby” Incubus comparisons a la “Fungus Amongus,” much like HoobAstank’s self-titled LP has major “Make Yourself” vibes. Still, regardless of whether their San Fernando Valley peers existed, this album is an underrated effort, and we will forever long for DSPs to upload it on sites not called YouTube; DistroKid is easy, fam. Funnest fact here: The band originally had a full-time saxophone member but was NOT a tried and true third-wave ska punk act. This record is most certainly what got the band their major label deal, but despite what some crunk punks in Canoga Park may say, they only got better, especially with their next three releases.
Play it again: “Earthsick”
Skip it: Just under ¼ of it
3. Self-Titled (2001)
Produced by Jim Wirt, who also led behind the boards for the aforementioned Incubus, Something Corporate, The Rocket Summer, Hoobastank seemingly came out of nowhere with a surprising to some and unsurprising to you cool cats self-titled sophomore album, which was VERY far from a slump. We surmise that if you’re still reading this or haven’t even started to do so yet, you feel that “Crawling in the Dark” walked towards you so “The Reason” could scurry away. Also, there is little filler on this effort, and “Hoobastank” also seamlessly segues track into track and just flows seemingly effortlessly from front to back. Coming in at just under forty minutes, that is no small feat. This album also has the double distinction of eventually selling a Platinum amount, and landing at number ONE on Billboard’s US Heatseekers Albums.
Play it again: “Running Away”
Skip it: “To Be With You”
2. The Reason (2003)
Lots of times a band’s second major label release, if they successfully withstood the idea and literal act of being dropped unceremoniously by said conglomerate, is a far bigger budget but similar sonic version of its predecessor on steroids a la Vince McMahon with better songs and production. “The Reason” is no exception, and its title track is without hyperbole one of the biggest songs from this century, and will likely enhance or infect weddings forever. Not enough niceties can be said about producer Howard Benson’s epic work on the lead vocals and all vocal harmonies, as it could be a blueprint for all hard and soft rock acts moving forward. Maybe if this album came out twenty-years later a Kanye West music video feature would have been far more vomit-inducing, but here it was somehow endearing.
Play it again: “Disappear”
Skip it: “Lucky”
1. Every Man for Himself (2006)
Hoobastank’s third of four major label efforts, and fourth of seven LPs, “Every Man for Himself” is a “no skip” release, as referenced below, and easily/truly highlights the band at their finest hour minus nine minutes, despite the fact that you can’t namecheck a single song on it, poser. For the globe, this album’s diversity may have been a mainstream-avoiding curveball, but if you haven’t had a chance to dig into it, give it a go, which you will love, unless you don’t. If you like a slab of medium rare beef with your sweets, here’s some A.1. Steak Sauce: It is rumored that the late Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave is referenced in an unflattering manner in single #1, “If I Were You,” and said tea was stirred after viewing the band’s then-recent tour history.
Play it again: “The Rules” – “More Than A Memory”
Skip it: Being a bad little miscreant with amnesia
The trouble with OM’s fourth album, “God is Good” isn’t that it’s bad. It’s far from it. The trouble is that it feels like a step backward creatively. Which is too bad really, because this album marks the debut of Emil Amos as the group’s new drummer. There is a lot going on here, with the droning, desert-like opening to “Thebes” sounding like a call to worship, and “Cremation Ghat I” adding in elements of funk-bass playing, but ultimately, it feels like the band became too scared after the intensity of their previous album and stepped back into a comfort zone. Like a homeschooled kid who’s tried public school for a year and demanded his Mom pull him back out of it.
OM’s third album and the last one to feature the classic Cisneros/Hakius line-up, there’s something deeply interesting about “Pilgrimage” as a sort of bridge album. The songs are shorter. One of them is even (gasp) under five minutes. Which is going at Bad Brains adjacent speeds by doom metal standards. And yet, for the increased energy and intensity, there’s something really pleasant and enjoyable about this album. It makes you wanna get up and spasm the night away on the dance floor.
OM’s debut album does one thing exceptionally well: It announces itself in spectacular fashion. From the abrasive opening to “On the Mountain at Dawn,” to the trashing, angry lawn-mower-like bass playing of Al Cisneros, to the over 20-minute long opening track. It’s easy to tell what this band is about right from the jump. And there’s something really spectacular about that. This is also the record metal fans will likely find themselves most drawn to, with more precise vocals and songs about priestesses and blue stone moons, the whole thing plays like a game of “Dungeons and Dragons” played in the midst of a DayQuil overdose.
Oh. Hell. Yes. They’re pulling out all the stops for this one: Religious chanting? Check. Lush and engaging production design? Check. Singing in Sanskrit? Check please, waiter. There’s a fly in my soup and I want it comped, ASAP. Once you see the scowling John the Baptist cover art, you know you’re in for a treat. “Advaitic Songs” is definitely the sound one would probably expect when hearing that OM is a doom metal/stoner metal outfit that plays songs that are widely indebted to Middle Eastern religion and philosophy. And that’s just wonderful. Give the people what they want, says I.
If the word “sophomore” means “wise fool,” then is not the greatest fool the fool that unwisely thrones himself as wise and yet dubs the wise foolish? I say it shall! In any case, OM’s sophomore record, “Conference of the Birds” is unquestionably the group’s masterpiece. Truly with this one OM succeeded in creating the score to an unmade Kenneth Anger film. With just two songs (both clocking in at over 15 minutes long), there is definitely a limited menu here. And yet, just like at a trendy restaurant, a limited menu is actually part of the charm here. But with the droning drums of Chris Hakius and the hypnotic bass and hushed vocals of Al Cisneros, it’s more than enough.
“Masters of the Universe” did a bang-up job tying our budding sexual desires to various human/animal hybrid creatures, but the spider guy just never grabbed us. Too spidery!
Even as children with zero carnal knowledge, we knew that sex and anything called “Trap Jaw” just didn’t mix.
Skeletor’s pet attack falcon is possibly the least sexy bird creature on Eternia, and that’s coming from someone who is strongly, inexplicably aroused by “Masters of the Universe” bird creatures.
Man-E-Faces was a villain turned hero with the ability to, you guessed it, change his face. His amazing power to have the face of a human, a robot, or a monster allowed him to uh… do that. Yeah, pretty pointless at the end of the day, and not very sexy. He couldn’t even use all three faces at the same time! If he could do that then oh hell yeah, let’s talk, but nah.
Cringer is Prince Adam’s pet cuck, I mean cat. Frankly, we prefer him in his Battle Cat form. Without the Power of Grayskull Cringer is a total bottom.
Sometimes we would hold our Two Bad action figure and meditate on the duality of human nature, and what this innate duplicitousness meant to our cusping sexual identity. Other times we would think to ourselves “Hey, why am I thinking about this shit? I’m 9.”
Though sort of a minor character in the cartoon, the Modulock action figure was cool as hell because it came with over 20 interlocking pieces. The idea was that since his body was amorphous, you could mix and match the pieces to create your own unique version of Modulok every time you played with him. No matter how many different combos we tried, they always seemed to look like genitals.
Spikor planted the seed that Pinhead grew into the sapling that would one day become the tree of us spending $900 on a spiked pleather onesie marketed as “Daddy Pain.”
Kobra Khan was often partnered up with Webstor, and it’s easy to see who got all the sex appeal in that duo. To this day his calculating sinisterness, snake accent, and ability to produce knockout spray from his mouth still arouse the darkest recesses of our fantasies.
Whiplash quickly rose through the ranks of Skeletor’s crew, and it’s not hard to see why. With his take-charge attitude, powerful phallic tail, and a head that resembled our mean neighbor Frank, Whiplash really projected authority. Plus his design kinda makes him look like he’s always wearing a tank top and briefs. Sir yes sir!
There was just something about the feel of his toy’s velvety purple skin that seemed to activate something in us like it was opening the door to a whole spectrum of possibilities both terrifying and tantalizing.
One man with the power of 3 cyclopses? We would be powerless to stop this brute… not that we would want to!
Come on, all of the inherent eroticism of merpeople coupled with the fact that he has legs and therefore presumably genitals? You can’t tell us this guy doesn’t pique your curiosity. Admit it, you wanna know what he’s working with down there.
It’s the veil, it’s just so alluring. You can’t help but wonder what she’s working with under that thing. Probably a black faceless void, same as all Trollans, but still!
Mekaneck was a master spy because of his ability to extend his neck by several feet. If you were a bad guy up to no good several feet above Meganeck, he knew the score. See cause he has this helmet head, and that head extends up by the metal shaft in his neck anytime he gets curious or excited about something. Like maybe he hears a bad guy, or a crime happening, or his “aunt” who was actually just his mom’s best friend so isn’t really his aunt is wearing pantyhose smoking a cigarette with her legs crossed, or like WHATEVER! Anyway, there was something about owning the Meganeck toy that just made us feel confident.
Even as kids we knew having a prurient interest in Eternia’s most powerful villain was wrong, but that’s what made it so irresistible. Sure he’s a living skeleton, but this skeleton is jacked as fuck. Skeletor’s plans always revolved around “getting” people. He would be like “We’ll lure He-man somewhere under false pretenses, and then, we’ll GET HIM!” What happens after he gets someone? The show leaves it up to the viewer’s imagination, and that’s what makes it so erotic.
When it came to giving kids confusing feelings about human/beast hybrids, the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” will always reign supreme, but for old-school kids who were too cool for Disney, there was Beast Man. Are you seriously going to try to convince us this character didn’t have a sexual undertone when his action figure literally came with a whip AND dat ass? Mattel knows what they’re doing.
Cringer is a pathetic worm of a cat, but when he is imbued with the Power of Grayskull and puts on some bondage gear he becomes the ferocious Battle Cat. At a young age Battle Cat instilled us with the notion that the right gear could make us feel powerful.
We gotta spell it out for you? Dudes name is “Buzz-off!”