Viewer Who’s Never Voted in Local Election Cannot Wait To Vote in Love Island’s

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

Boise, ID – Local woman Hannah Shepard, who has not changed her voter registration since moving four years ago, cannot wait to vote in Love Island’s upcoming final vote. 

“Voting is the most important pillar of a functioning reality show. It’s our civic duty as Americans to make our voices heard, especially since international fans can’t,” Shepard said about making sure her favorite couple, “Brinity,” wins. “If we’re not making our voices heard, then others will, and we might not like what they stand for, like, they might think Sincere has changed, and real ones know he hasn’t!”

Friends of Shepard say this is the most excited she’s ever been about voting in her life. 

“I tried to get Hannah to care about any of our local elections, but she said it’s too much work to research the candidates. Now she’s watching the show every day, episode recaps on Instagram, plus she even watches Aftersun to make sure she’s up to speed on all the drama,” Gracie Lu, Shepherd’s roommate, explained. “I guess if our school board members could clamslam like Kenzie, maybe she’d care?” 

Political scientists have pointed to Love Island voting trends as something the Democratic Party could learn from. 

“People who’ve never cared about voting in their life are voting multiple times a season. If the Democratic Party ran candidates as exciting as Carl, or at least as polarizing as KC and Titi, people might actually care about getting out to the polls,” Political scientist Lisa Smith explained. “But, the only lesson the Dems would take from this is to send Gavin Newsom onto next season, and he’s probably more evil than Corbin was.”

At press time, Shepard was found canvasing her neighborhood to get people to download the Love Island app, yelling “Brinity or bust!”

Copyright My Ass, I’m Naming Our Band the “Misfits”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There’s a growing sentiment about how us white boys aren’t starting bands anymore and how it’s contributed to the decline in civilization, but that’s only half true. We are starting bands, but in my view, it feels like all the good names are already taken. And I’m not about to degrade myself and name our band after something that already exists but spelled wrong, like Soop.

So I’m saying fuck it, I don’t care if the name is already taken, popular, and heavily copyrighted, we’re calling ourselves the Misfits.

Is it crazy? Definitely. But what could be more subversive and attention-grabbing than naming ourselves after the most famous horror punk band of all time? Though, just to be clear, our sound is more of a garage punk, surfer rock vibe, so it’s not like we’re completely copying Misfits. I think we can get away with it on a technicality. Although we do have one song about vampires. Hopefully, nobody will notice.

Also, it’s not like this is a new idea. Lots of bands in the 80’s had the same name! You think the English Beat and U.K. Subs were their original names? If shit gets too hot and the lawyers come knocking, we’ll just move to Northern England and call ourselves Manchester Misfits. It’s completely foolproof.

We even mulled some ironic, adjacent names like “The Other Misfits” or “Misfits Too”, but we felt it had parallel, negative connections to the Michale Graves years, so we decided to keep it simple.

Besides, it’s not like we’re calling ourselves the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. That would be insane, because their lawyers are terrifying. Worst-case scenario, Danzig shows up at one of our houses with a hunting knife made from human bone, in which case we will simply allow our bass player to be sacrificed in hopes that it’ll be enough to satisfy our blatant disregard for trademarks.

Now I know that you’re all thinking, “But what about the merch and touring,” blah blah blah. Two words: cash only. I’d like to see the band sue us if there’s no paper trail! Plus we’ll land gigs last minute once promoters see the fucking Misfits want to play their dive bars. And once the places are packed out and the devil-locked crowd realizes five minutes in, we are not going to sing about werewolves, it’ll be too late. But that’s how you build a fanbase nowadays, right?

Angine de Poitrine Ask Opener If They Have a Double-Necked Microtonal Guitar/Bass They Can Borrow After Gear Stolen

Posted on by Tim Graham

SEATTLE — French-Canadian experimental rock duo Angine de Poitrine scrambled to find replacements for their specialized instruments after their van was broken into, sources confirm.

“The tour was going wonderfully, but then some jerk stole our stuff,” said guitarist Khn de Poitrine via a translator. “We were in a cafe enjoying coffee and croissants—which takes considerable time due to our cumbersome masks, which we never remove—and we came outside to find our van ransacked and much of our equipment missing. When we arrived at the venue, I asked our opener if I could borrow one of their double-necked microtonal guitar/basses but they claimed they didn’t have one. Luckily, I was able to improvise a solution.”

Opening band Dry Thigh said they did their best to help out the pair.

“It was a little hard to understand them due to the language barrier and their voices being muffled by the masks,” said guitarist Jennifer Maxwell. “But we gathered they wanted to borrow an instrument from us. After a while they walked off with one of our guitars. I was happy to help them out—until I saw them sawing slits in the neck so they could install extra frets. They had also duct-taped a bass to the guitar. I tried to wrestle the instruments back from them but I kept getting hit in the face with their giant swinging dick noses, so I gave up. That being said, they put on a good show.”

Veteran guitar tech Henry Quint always advises bands he’s working with to tour with backup gear. 

“Ordinarily, borrowing a guitar from another band on the bill is no big deal,” said Quint while winding cables in the proper way. “I once loaned a guitar to Evan Dando after he traded his for some dope right before a show. But if you’ve got customized gear, it’s going to be harder to borrow a replacement. One time I was doing tech for a band that opened for Rammstein. Apparently, the airline lost their guitar/flamethrower thing, so they asked if they could borrow one of ours. I had to explain that none of our guitars shoot 30-foot geysers of fire.”

At press time, a local petty criminal had reportedly attempted to pawn Angine de Poitrine’s iconic double-necked instrument, as well as a set of black-and-white polka-dotted monogrammed luggage.

New Couple Blissfully Unaware Relationship Won’t Survive First Game Night

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

MINNEAPOLIS — New couple Rachel Kim and Tyler Bennett were reportedly blissfully unaware that their relationship would not survive its first game night, with both describing the romance as remarkably easy and natural despite the fact that it was only hours away from collapsing entirely, sources confirmed Friday.

“We just click, you know? We share the same values, communicate well, and just really respect each other,” said Bennett, still unfamiliar with each other’s remarkably specific definitions of fairness and desperate need to be right. “Everything has been so effortless. It feels like we’ve known each other forever. I could see this one going all the way. Can’t wait for game night tonight. I’m really into knowing all the rules. She seems more easygoing about it, but I’m sure that won’t be an issue.”

Game night host and friend, Evan Morales, says he can already see the cracks forming.

“Things started going south the second someone suggested Drawful,” said Morales, noting the whole night was simply a series of increasingly personal attacks disguised as playful trash talk. “Tyler joked that Rachel couldn’t even make stick figures, which clearly hurt her feelings. Then Rachel accused Tyler of giving a psychotic clue during Codenames before telling him he was being too sensitive. Then after a losing round of Mario Party they both took a full 15-minute break in different rooms to cool down. At one point somebody broke out a Bop It hoping it would cut the tension, but somehow that made things way worse. After that it was obvious they were not making it to tomorrow.”

Relationship therapist Dr. Melissa Grant explained the risks game night poses to new couples.

“Early relationships can survive for months or longer on simple attraction and mutual optimism, until game night introduces scorekeeping, rule disputes, and passive-aggressive public humiliation,” said Grant. “That’s when the couple finally gets to see each other’s full personality, communication style, and capacity for handling minor perceived injustices. It forces the couple to let their guard down and expose their underlying paranoid insecurities that everyone they know and love secretly hates them. Typically, relationships require a full game of Monopoly or Cards Against Humanity to completely dissolve, but honestly, I’ve seen one round of Bananagrams send couples right off a fucking cliff.”

At press time, the couple had reportedly begun using the word “babe” as a slur.

Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck”

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public today sporting an incredible physique and a voracious appetite for sex, Washington insiders confirm. 

“That’s right bitches, the Mitch is back!” proclaimed the 84-year-old legislator to stunned reporters and colleagues. “Bet you thought I was out, bet you thought your boy Mitch was done, kicked the bucket, out of the picture, but nah, I was just on my Machiavell shit. Making moves in the shadows, watching my enemies reveal themselves, getting strong. Now I am here to pass laws that disenfranchise poor people, and to get my fuck on, and brother, I am all out of poor people. Who wants to go to Pound Town with the McMaster?! Ladies? Hell, gentleman? Whatever, when you got a body this prime, you realize we’re all just God’s children in the dark, know what I’m sayin?” 

Even McConnell’s closest allies expressed shock at the elderly senator’s recovery and stunning transformation. 

“I had just gotten off the phone, lying to a CNN reporter about recently speaking with Mitch, when there was a knock at the door,” recalled Majority Whip John Barrasso. “I open it and who do I see but a shirtless, freshly oiled Adonis with Mitch McConnell’s face. Before I had time to believe my eyes, he burst into my home, punched me in the face, and made love to my wife. It was the most beautiful moment of my life!” 

Doctors were at a loss to explain McConnell’s miraculous recovery. 

“When an 84-year-old gets admitted with heart failure just weeks after a stroke, you don’t really expect them to make it out,” said physician Dr. Conrad Hearty. “You certainly don’t expect to see them the next day doing pushups in front of a crowd of swooning nurses and yelling at you to come sit on their back, but that’s how it went down. I guess it just goes to show you the power of hate.” 

At press time, sources confirmed McConnell was hard at work drafting an emergency bill to have Kumail Nanji deported immediately.

Quiz: The Mars Volta Lyrics or Some Random Shit I Heard That Ranting Guy on the Subway Yell?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The Mars Volta have been pushing the limits of progressive, experimental rock for well over twenty years, with their mind-blowing musical passages and bizarre, brain-melting word salad lyrics leaving listeners completely blown away since their inception. You may consider yourself a fan, but are you enough of a die-hard to differentiate between Cedric Bixler-Zavala’s poetic offerings and the rantings of a madman I heard while taking the Fourth
Avenue Line this morning? Let’s find out.

Question: The kiosk in my temporal lobe is shaped like Rosalynn Carter

Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics

While I would not be surprised if I heard that ranting guy on the subway yell this, it’s actually from The Mars Volta’s 2006 tune “Tetragrammaton”. Did you get this one correct, or are you a poser?

Question: I am a deaf con of angora goats

Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics

You guessed “ranting guy on the subway” for this? What kind of Mars Volta fan are you? That ranting guy on the subway is far more coherent than this. Seriously, open your ears for once.

Question: Exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed

Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics

This one kind of seems appropriately themed for someone to scream at me on the subway while I’m just trying to get to work, but it’s actually from The Mars Volta’s “Deloused in the Comatorium” album. I’ll give you a free pass here, but you seriously need to shape up for these last two.

Question: I know a girl that was woven in spindle and thread, yeah

Answer: The Mars Volta lyrics

These are clearly The Mars Volta lyrics from their 2012 tune “The Malkin Jewel”. You’ve either never listened to their music, never been on a New York City subway, or both. Either way, you had no business clicking on this quiz and should be ashamed of yourself.

Question: Three half eaten corneas who hit the aureole, stalk the ground

Answer: Both

OK, this was really fucking weird. That ranting guy on the subway looked me in the eyes just as this line from “Televators” played on my earbuds and spoke the words in tandem with the song. I thought it was some kind of weird coincidence at first, but I think this opened up some kind of inter-dimensional portal. Since this happened, everyone I’ve seen has had Jacob’s Ladder-y melting face and is speaking to me in some kind of unrecognizable language that definitely isn’t human. I no longer care about how you’re performing on this quiz. Please, for the love of God, help me!

Last Chick-fil-A Desegregates

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

HERITAGE, Miss. — Chick-fil-A announced its last restaurant to desegregate has finally done so, sources confirmed.

“This brings to an end the long, arduous process of desegregation at our Heritage, Mississippi, location,” said Jack Houles, Jr., chief pleasure officer for Chick-fil-A locations. “We kicked off this initiative after the state of Mississippi ratified the 13th Amendment—the one banning slavery—in 2013. It took them 148 years. We got this done in only 13. Just goes to show the efficiency of the private market. Plus, with all the immigration, we weren’t sure how to segregate people anymore. It was easier back when there were only two sections. Now there’s, what, 10? Twenty? Can’t run a restaurant like that.”

Customers from the Heritage area were cautious about changes to the restaurant.

“Why is everyone making this desegregation stuff about race? It’s so far in the past, it’s time to let it go. Besides, like my grandpa always said, he never met a slave that didn’t greet him with a smile, just like they do at Chick-fil-A,” said a customer who preferred to remain anonymous. “I’m not a racist, but I wonder what’s next. Are they going to mix all the sauces together, too? Combine the bathrooms? Take the Charlie Kirk Meal Deal off the menu? If I have to wait any longer for chicken nuggets, I’m going to Cane’s.”

One expert called for deeper reflection.

“However welcome this news may be, the entire situation could’ve easily been avoided had a Fatburger been built on that lot instead of a Chick-fil-A,” said Lovie Yancey, a professor of sociology at the University of Mississippi. “A lot of work remains for Chick-fil-A. For example, Chick-fil-A may think it’s cute or endearing to make customers wait in line to have their drinks refilled by an employee behind the counter. But when you’re on a 30-minute lunch break, you don’t have time to wait behind some Yosemite Sam-sounding motherfucker swapping fishing stories with the corpse on Medicare Parts A, B, and Dumbass using a light touch on the Coke spigot. Just let me go back there and refill my drink myself so I can get on with my day. Even better, move the fountain drinks to a self-serve station. Fuck.”

As of press time, Chick-fil-A reassured its customers of its corporate values by giving a discount to couples named Adam and Eve, but not Adam and Steve.

All-American Rejects Play Pop-Up Show During All-American Rejects Set

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

HAVERFORD, Pa. — The All-American Rejects played a surprise pop-up show during an All-American Rejects set at the Haverford Skatium, sources confirmed.

“I was worried there were technical difficulties during the All-American Rejects show, because the lights suddenly went out and the sound dropped off,” said Pippy Newster, a fan in attendance. “When the lights came back on, a new band was on stage, and they were all wearing these big hats. The sound came back up, and the band threw off the hats. I couldn’t believe it: the All-American Rejects! They played one of their famous pop-up shows with all my favorite songs. And after they ended the pop-up show they continued on with the original show. Would’ve been nice if they didn’t go with the same setlist for both though.”

Fans were in for yet another “dirty little secret.”

“I stopped the pop-up right in the middle of ‘Move Along.’ It was the perfect time to do a pop-up to debut my new solo stuff,” said frontman Tyson Ritter. “So, yeah, it was a pop-up show inside of a pop-up show. If you count the time I stopped to shake off a rat that crawled up my leg, there was another pop-up show inside of that one, too. We might work that into the regular rotation if we can find the rat again.”

Experts disagreed over how many pop-ups within pop-up shows are too many.

“Technically, there is no limit to the number of pop-up shows that can exist within an individual pop-up show. These multi-layered performances by the All-American Rejects provide a tangible example of the multiverse speculations we’ve had for years,” said Denice Nedry, a scientist at the Los Alamos National Laboratory. “It makes me think this nostalgia act from the 2000s spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of infinity prior to launching this comeback tour of secret pop-up shows. For example, when Tyson sings, ‘your subtleties, they strangle me,’ on ‘It Ends Tonight,’ that’s a clear signal he’s confused about how many numbers rest between any two other numbers, such as between zero and one. Some would say the answer is ‘infinity,’ but AAR boldly solves this with ‘pop-up.’ And then to put it in a piece of performance art? Brilliant.”

As of press time, the All-American Rejects hinted at a pop-up show on the next Artemis mission to the moon.

Five Goatwhore Songs You Might as Well Check Out Because, Let’s Face It, You’re Not Getting Into Heaven

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Whoa, are you seriously getting ready for church right now? My man, that ship has sailed. There’s absolutely no way God is going to welcome you into His loving bosom for all of eternity. What, you think sitting on a polished wooden pew and staring at an oversized, crucified figurine perched behind some pedophile priest is going to reverse all those drugs you did in your twenties? Fuck it, dude. Why don’t you kick off those uncomfortable shoes and relax to some Goatwhore instead? You’re not going to heaven, so you might as well listen to some killer music while you’re here on Earth.

  1. Perversions of the Ancient Goat

Hell yeah. Goatwhore’s older stuff was more straight-up black metal, as they hadn’t yet evolved into the catchy, blackened thrash we all know and love today. This tune’s got the standard blast beats and Satan-praising shrieks of Norway’s best exemplars of the genre, and it sounds great. Isn’t this so much better than listening to The Newsboys or whatever other bullshit God probably blasts in His boring-ass Kingdom? Welcome to the dark side, my friend.

  1. Silence Marked By the Breaking of Bone

 This 2006 tune has Ben Falgoust growling with that same feral tone we can hear in their newer stuff. Go ahead, try not to bang your head to those driving riffs over the double bass drumming. What are you missing in Mass right now? They’re probably eating those shitty crackers. Why don’t you grab yourself some Blue Heat Takis? There you go. Skipping church fucking rules.

  1. In Legions, I Am Wars of Wrath

These song titles are great. You’re going to be hearing plenty of music like this in hell, so you might as well get used to it. What sort of punishments do you think await you? Having Lucifer’s loyal armies melt your eyeballs with hot pincers won’t be so bad if you can listen to Goatwhore while they do it. Better than chilling in heaven with Pat Robertson by a country mile, for sure.

  1. FBS

You can go ahead and Google what “FBS” means. Subtlety be damned, just like you. Can you believe your parents actually took time out of their day to baptize you? How stupid was that? Anyway, this song is damn catchy, and we hope you’re enjoying it as much as we are.

  1. Voracious Blood Fixation

Goatwhore’s latest shows them still going strong after nearly three decades. This song is awesome, and we’re willing to bet all those posers in heaven have never even heard it. Good thing you’re heading nowhere near there, because it sounds like it fucking sucks up there.

Drummer Accidentally Tosses Snare Into Crowd Instead of Sticks

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOULDER, Colo. — Zach Brinton, drummer of death metal band Putrefying Entrails, accidentally tossed his snare into the crowd instead of his sticks during a show at the Rocket Bar & Lounge, surprised sources report.

“Oh man, what was I thinking?” Brinton wailed as he buried his face in his hands. “We had just played ‘Force-Fed Decaying Human Skin’ as our encore, and I fully intended on tossing my sticks out to the audience, but instead I hefted up my snare drum and shot-putted it off of the stage. I can’t really see what happened because of the lights, but it didn’t sound good. I must’ve hurt someone because medical first responders showed up soon after. The show was going so well up to that point, too. I can’t believe I did that. My bandmates are going to be so pissed at me.”

Audience member Kayla Robinson was taken aback by Brinton’s behavior.

“I definitely was not expecting that,” Robinson said. “I know these guys have a pretty intense reputation, but this takes it to a new level. They used to bring rotting meat from local butchers and toss it into the audience, which was gross, but at least it wasn’t a physical danger to anyone. That girl the snare drum landed on doesn’t look too good, and not to mention it looked like the band’s drummer threw his back out picking it up. I hope they’re still going to be allowed to play in this venue.”

Venue owner Jack Stauffer was dismayed at what he saw.

“Christ, what a nightmare,” Stauffer observed. “I knew I might be making a mistake when I booked these guys, but I really like their music and knew they’d attract a large audience. I’m really regretting this now, though. I bet that snare did a lot of damage to the floor when it came down from the stage, and that girl it landed on might even sue the venue. Maybe she won’t if I offer to comp her drinks and convince the band to give her a free shirt or something. I mean, a concussion and a shattered collarbone isn’t that bad, right? Ugh, and I don’t even want to think about what this is going to do to my insurance rates. Putrefying Entrails won’t be playing here anytime soon, I can tell you that much.”

At press time, the band’s guitarist had accidentally tossed his Marshall speaker cabinet into the crowd instead of his pick.

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