Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Charles Martinet Steps Down as Voice of Mario After Being Unable to Finish Eating Gigantic Bowl of Spaghetti

Posted on October 1, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Famous Nintendo voice actor Charles Martinet has stepped down as the voice of Mario after failing to complete a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We are very sad to be losing Charles as the voice of Mario, but we think this is the right decision for him to make and we commend him for his bravery,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “We test our voice actors every month to see if they’re physically capable of performing their rules. Charles was up to snuff for years as Mario, but in 2020, it’s time for a younger actor to don the iconic Mario ‘stache. One who can scarf down a ginormous bowl of delicious spaghetti.”

Martinet will still be playing the voices of Baby Mario, Luigi, Baby Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, and Toadsworth, if he can continue to perform at the optimal level for each one.

“You can’t stay king forever,” Martinet said in a series of tweets to fans. “I’m hoping I can still pull off the other characters, but we’ll just have to see if I pass the tests. For Luigi, I need to be able to be able to make my teeth chatter while cowering, for Wario, I need to be able to bounce on the ground with my belly, and for Waluigi, I need to be able to jack-off 15 times in one day. I think I can still do all of those for the foreseeable future.”

As of press time, Martinet was reportedly attempting to stretch out his tongue to prepare for an audition to become the voice of Yoshi.

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If Capitalism Is So Great, Why Is This Creedence Clearwater “Revisited” CD Full Price?

Posted on October 1, 2020 by John Danek

You can’t make it 5 minutes online these days without seeing some smug, pale Ben Shapiro- or Charlie Kirk-type screaming in your face about how capitalism is Our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ’s preferred economic structure. But I have a question that will stump the most diehard capitalist simp:

If American capitalism is oh-so-great, then how can this Creedence Clearwater Revisited “Recollection” CD cost $18.99 at the mall near my mom’s house?

And if the above sentence doesn’t strike you as tragic and revolting, let me point you to the word “Revisited.” This is not Creedence Clearwater Revival, the greatest American rock to ever choogle their way into our lives and hearts. No, Creedence Clearwater Revisited is a Fogerty-less money grab of a cover band featuring the members who didn’t write “Proud Mary” or “Bad Moon Rising”. It never even had TOM Fogerty, let alone grandmaster John.

Supply and demand? The invisible hand of the free market? The Austrian School of Economics? This charade of a music project proves that those ideas don’t hold water when presented with greed, corruption, and the opportunity to deceive the innocent consumer. At best, this Manchurian candidate of rock should cost $5 new for the morbidly curious.

This CD taught me to believe in “Trickle Down Economics” all right. Especially at the moment when my piss trickled down onto the CD on my mom’s back porch. Don’t tell her I did that, I don’t need to get yelled at today.

For all the right’s pearl-clutching about “communist” Venezuela, I did a quick Google search to see how much Recollection costs at Carrillo Musical, the oldest record store in Caracas. A new copy, untouched, still in the cellophane? A measly $3 USD. If you didn’t just open a tab to join your local DSA chapter, you’re a total moron and I hope you get your rocks off while watching Jeff Bezos cuck your bank account.

New Tony Hawk Remaster Allows You to Play As 36-Year-Old Without Health Insurance

Posted on October 1, 2020 by Andrew Murphy

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Executives at Neversoft, the developer behind the newly released “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2,” announced today that the latest update to the game will include the character Craig, a playable 36-year-old who does not have health insurance.

“Craig is based on the exact type of skateboarder who fell in love with the original Pro Skater games: he’s a college dropout who works part time at a pizza place, and lives life praying he doesn’t get injured or sick,” said lead designer Steve Banks. “And you can customize his clothes, picking from options like long broken-up local band T-shirts, or streetwear he impulsively bought after seeing it on a 21-year-old’s Instagram.”

Many fans enjoy the risk of every trick turning into a life-altering accident that reduces the character to debt peonage.

“I found myself relating to Craig a lot more than millionaire skaters like Nyjah Huston,” said Will “Skunks” Wiseman, a lifelong skateboarder who admits he’s been less active lately. “I tried to get him to ollie a 12-stair, but he crashed hard — he was just lying on the ground going, ‘Oh, shit.’ And when I tried to have him keep skating, he’d stop after a few pushes and grab his back.”

“But there’s this cool minigame where you go to your girlfriend’s apartment and smoke a bunch of pot, and then she comes home and gets mad because you forgot it’s her birthday, and then you have to go back to the skatepark and find five roses hidden in the course,” he added. “It’s a great touch.”

For his part, Tony Hawk was turned off by the character of Craig at first.

“For guys like Craig, skateboarding is life,” said 52-year-old Hawk. “Tons of guys devote their entire life to mastering the craft of skateboarding, only to realize at 27 that they’ve spent all this time dicking around and have no skills beyond an occasional kickflip, and then they shatter their femurs and sign payment plans while high on pain medication at the hospital. It’s part of what makes skateboarding so awesome.”

Neversoft’s update will include another downloadable character, a 24-year-old trust fund kid named Sky who develops a drug problem and steals other character’s skateboards to trade for coke.

Beto O’Rourke Skateboarding Game Has You Collect Letters P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L-C-O-W-A-R-D

Posted on October 1, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

EL PASO, Texas — Former United States representative Beto O’Rourke announced a new skateboarding video game that lets players collect the letters to spell out the phrase “POLITICAL COWARD,” along with other activities focus tested to appeal to the largest group of people possible.

“At first, I pitched collecting the letters to spell something everyone loves like ‘CAPITULATION’ or ‘HEALTH INSURANCE OPTIONS’, but I was told that the most agreeable phrase among our target demographics is ‘POLITICAL COWARD.’” Mr. O’Rourke said. “Literally every person on Earth agrees that I am a coward. I’ve been told it’s one of the few things that has been labeled as an ineffable truth. More people believe this than believe that the Earth is round. It feels good to bring people together.”

Levels will include every swing state, an El Paso music venue that slightly humanizes Beto, as well as a number of corporate boardrooms where you can kickflip over tables (as long as you clean them up after).

The game also features a large playable cast of other cool politicians, such as Senator Kirstin Gillibrand and DNC Chair Tom Perez, who have terrible stats, but can curse and use middle fingers.

“We’re so happy we get to represent Democrats in a game that will appeal to every platform available,” Perez said. “You can play this game on any console ever created — it’s been optimized to the point that it can’t be categorized as any genre or era of game. And if we can’t get onto a console, we will stop at nothing to ask very nicely if we can.”

As of press time, inside sources within the DNC warned that the game may be canceled after Democrats discovered that a handful of people were excited to play it.

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Fucking Liar Does Have CVS Card

Posted on September 30, 2020 by Erin McLaughlin

HYANNIS, Mass. — Local man Kenny Gomez was outed as a “fucking liar” on Tuesday evening upon telling a pharmacy cashier that he does not have a CVS ExtraCare card when she, in fact, does.

“I knew the cashier saw the mini-card thing on my keys when I put them on the counter,” said a red-faced, guilt-stricken Gomez. “I considered telling her the truth, but I just don’t have room in my car’s front console for more receipts, what with the slew of McDonald’s drive thru receipts already shoved in there. I feel guilty for lying, certainly, and also kind of foolish… because I know I shouldn’t turn down a 6-for-$5 Ramen packet deal at this point in my life.”

CVS Pharmacy cashier Melanie Chung, who handed out over 20 15-foot long receipts during her shift that day, did not consider Gomez to be the sinner she’d pinned herself as.

“I was actually relieved to not have to avoid eye contact for 30 seconds as the long-ass thing printed,” said Clark. “If he’d told me the truth, I know it’d just contribute to the receipt-garbage overflow I have to take out every hour. So it’s a win-win for both of us — unless he really wanted two Almay concealers for the price of one, of course, which actually is kind of a decent deal, but his loss.”

However, Gomez’s mother was upset her son did not use the CVS ExtraCare card she gave him for his birthday.

“I never waste a CVS receipt. I’ve used it as a bandage, toilet paper, and to patch the hole in our roof,” said Kenny’s mother, Lucille Gomez. “She could have just folded it in his pocket, cut out the $5 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner coupon, and remembered to bring it with him and use it the next time he’s at CVS. How hard is that? And don’t even get me started on the ExtraBucks he missed out on — 30 more trips with that card and he would’ve gotten $3 off his next purchase of two whitening toothpastes, as long as he used that within four days. I don’t recognize the apparent monster that I raised.”

At press time, Gomez declined to donate to Walgreen’s American Diabetes Association fund, despite actually having a dollar in his wallet.

We Sat Down With Eddie Van Halen to Ask How He Accepted His Son Coming Out as a Bassist

Posted on September 30, 2020 by John Danek

If Jimi Hendrix opened the door to what could be done on an electric guitar, Eddie Van Halen split-kicked that door in. This led to decades of success, international tours, signature guitars, and an eruption of teacher/student fantasies. But that doesn’t mean his life hasn’t been without struggle. We sat down with Eddie to talk about accepting his only child, Wolfgang Van Halen, as a bassist.

The Hard Times: Can you tell us about the moment Wolfgang came out to you as a bassist?

Eddie Van Halen: Ya know, there were some signs early on. When he was about 9 months old I put a little guitar in front of him. Instead of using his thumb like a pick, he used his index and middle fingers to strum the strings one at a time. I almost cried seeing my boy touch his first guitar. He looked so lame.

But is that really so bad? Society has progressed to largely accept bassists as valid musicians.

True, but it’s not enough. I’ll love my son no matter what but as a parent you want your children to have lives that are free of pain. I was afraid being a bassist would add difficulties at every step and he would flee from music and become a jock or worse. I see now that I was being overly cautious and I’m much more accepting of his lifestyle choices these days. Sorry, his genetic predisposition. Forgive me, I’m from another time. But I am not stuck there no matter how I still dress.

Have you ever talked to Wolfgang about how, historically, you’ve paid bassists in your band way less than anyone else?

Woah buddy, that stings. I want to state publicly that I’m no bassphobe, kay? I’ve welcomed bassists into all of my bands. Sure, in my younger years, I paid them peanuts compared to the other members and said things like, “Lemmy tell you this, I don’t care if you play bass as long as you stay away from me on stage,” but I’ve apologized for those comments repeatedly. Besides, literally every band was paying bassists less! I regret it, but it was so commonplace back then.

Do you have anything to say to young bassists out there?

It gets better. I promise. If you’re a young bassist thinking about jumping off that cliff and picking up a more respected instrument like kazoo or triangle, please stand strong. If I can change, the rest of the world will eventually change too. We need more bassists, not less. But for real, stop trying to play goddamned bass chords under a guitar solo.

Black Man Unrecognizable to Coworkers After Removing Police Uniform

Posted on September 30, 2020 by Kevin Tit

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local Black police officer Dante Jackson was rendered unrecognizable to his coworkers within seconds of removing his uniform in the precinct locker room yesterday, multiple gun-wielding officers confirm.

“I normally wait until I get home before changing out of my uniform,” said Ofc. Jackson while applying ointment to his wrists where his coworkers handcuffed him. “The last time I changed in the locker room, the same exact thing happened… but I was running late to meet my wife for dinner and didn’t have time to stop home. Less than a minute after taking off my uniform, I was tackled, tased and beaten by my colleagues, all while my partner had his gun pressed on my head while yelling, ‘Give me a reason! Give me a fucking reason!’ It took a few minutes before they realized it was me. The chief really chewed my ass out for that one.”

Others in the department admitted to making the mistake first-hand.

“I keep telling him he can’t just keep walking around the precinct out of uniform, looking like some Black Lives Matter terrorist,” says Jackson’s partner Alex Melweather. “If I had a dollar for every time I mistakenly pulled my gun on him, I’d put in for early retirement. Seriously. There was one time when I was picking up my kids from school, and I saw some thug talking to my daughter. So naturally, I did what any father would do: I shot him twice in the chest before announcing I was a police officer. Once I cuffed him, I saw the bulletproof vest and realized, ‘Oh, shit! It’s Jackson!’”

Higher-ups in the department insist this is just a normal part of police culture.

“Listen, these types of incidents wouldn’t keep happening if Ofc. Jackson, and others like him, would make it easier on the rest of us by just keeping their uniforms on 24 hours a day. It’s in their best interest to keep it on when they sleep and when they shower, because you never know when we might bust in,” Lincoln Police Chief Melvin Walters stated. “This job is dangerous, and with the current climate in this country, it’s too hard for us to tell the difference between our fellow officers and the killers who want us dead, if they’re out of uniform.”

Following the incident, Ofc. Jackson updated his will and made his own funeral arrangements after being assigned to go undercover for one eight-hour shift.

An Open Letter To the Developers of That Video Game Who Promised I Wouldn’t Last More Than 2 Minutes Before Busting

Posted on September 30, 2020 by Dan Rice

Dear Smut Developers,

I am writing in regards to an ad for your product that I saw while trying to Putlocker season 2 of “Succession.” An ad I regard to be problematic. It was the one that features a sexy female Viking elf performing cunnilingus on Louis from “Family Guy.” The artwork was stunning, no complaint there. What I took umbrage with the copy, which read as follows:

“If You Play This Game You WILL Bust in Less Than 2 Minutes.”

Now, I’ve played your game, and rest assured I found it to be highly bustable material indeed. I’m something of a connoisseur when it comes to busting to video games. I’ve busted to everything from “Leisure Suit Larry” to “Crash Bandicoot.” To quote Ray Parker Jr, “Bustin’ makes me feel good.” And I felt good busting to your game, “Slutquest Legacy.” That’s not the issue.

The issue is your jackass marketing team thinking it’s any of their gosh darn business how long it takes me to bust.

I understand your need to boast about your product’s high bustability. Really, it’s the wording I have a problem with. The message I believe you are trying to convey, “Gentlemen, this game makes for some solid busting,” is fair and, in my personal opinion, well-earned. But by applying a time frame to the whole thing you are, perhaps inadvertently, establishing a dangerous precedent for what is or is not “normal busting.”

Busting is a sacred and highly personalized experience. It is a ritual made for one unless you’re Louis C.K. There is no “normal” time frame and implying there is leaves quick cummers and marathon busters alike feeling alienated and unheard.

The words of your ad copy echoed in my mind, souring every sweet bust with it’s taunting demeanor.

I became competitive. I started to engage with your product for longer than was healthy. It began to affect my work and interpersonal relationships. Cranking it longer than 120 to your digital fuckscape became my all-consuming goal. I tried switching hands and changing lubricants. I even tried applying a balm that the man at the gas station assured me possessed botanical numbing agents. Nothing worked.

By day nine I had forgotten how to eat.

Then one day, shivering and malnourished, it happened. All of my hard work paid off. That, and the fact that I don’t think my body was making a whole lot of blood at that point. I lasted a whole 2:39 playing your stupid game and I’ve got the webcam footage to prove it.

You hear that, you bastards?! I won. I wrote and published this whole letter just to make you read those words. I won and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Regards,
Joe Consumer

P.S. Are you guys hiring busters at the moment? I haven’t checked my email in a few weeks but I’m sure I’ve been fired.

Everyone at Twenty One Pilots Drive-In Show Wearing Seatbelt

Posted on September 30, 2020 by Ted Pillow

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Everyone attending last night’s Twenty One Pilots drive-in concert at Metlife Stadium kept their seatbelt on throughout the entire show, confirmed venue management at the first stop on the band’s worldwide “Frick the Rules!” tour.

“Dude, I was so psyched for Twenty One Pilots — I showed up all buckled up and ready to rock. I wasn’t sure how loud they’d be, so I bought a few different types of construction grade ear muffs for protection as well,” said Chazz Edmundson, a diehard fan of the band. “They played all their biggest hits, and the show was so sick, I didn’t even mind that the band ordered venue security to come over and give me a ticket for an expired inspection sticker. Safety first!”

While drivers were asked on arrival to turn off their vehicles and remain there until the show’s conclusion, that didn’t stop Twenty One Pilots’ rabid fanbase from strapping in for the duration of their two-hour set.

“The Skeleton Clique totally brought it tonight!” frontman Tyler Joseph shouted as he walked off the stage, referring to the band’s fanbase. “You haven’t lived until you’ve seen 10,000 maniacs drumming on their steering wheels with their seatbelts on and their hands in the proper 10 and 2 position. But, you know, we can always count on our fans to deliver — hell, the show was so crazy, we actually had to stop playing for a while because a rowdy gang of guys wouldn’t stop revving their PT Cruisers.”

However, not everyone enjoyed the unique performance.

“That was the lamest concert I’ve ever been into in my life,” sighed Dave Benson, a 44-year-old who brought his 12-year-old son Eddie to the show. “And that’s coming from a guy who saw Candlebox open for Bush in 2001. Seeing all those pathetic nerds bopping around in their minivans was unbearable. Thank god Eddie is so embarrassed by me that he ‘made’ me sit in the backseat the whole time — I just took a nap and hoped that by the time I woke up, my son would finally be in his violent, self-destructive teenage phase.”

After the show, stagehands loaded Twenty One Pilots into the child-sized car seats of their tour bus while the band demanded more juice in their sippy cups, as per their rider.

Man On His Deathbed Still Saving Fully Charged Meter Attack

Posted on September 29, 2020 by Claire Brown

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Dying 80-year-old man Rex Titus revealed to friends and family today that, after a decade of battling heart disease, he is still saving a fully charged meter attack “for the right moment,” according to those familiar with the situation.

“I first charged my meter back in 1942. I thought I might use it against the Nazis in the war, but the right moment just never came up,” said Titus, coughing up bits of phlegm as he glowed a sickly yet powerful red-orange. “I was just a careless young kid. I didn’t know what to do with my life, or my meter attack. So, I figured I’d save it until I really needed it. I’m still holding onto it; I don’t think I could handle the regret of using it. Not for ethical reasons or anything, but I would be tormented with guilt if I let off my fireball and then needed to zone while talking to my wife and children.”

Titus’s wife, Lulu, was sorrowful when asked about her husband’s wish to preserve his meter.

“I’ve known Rex since, my Lord, I can’t even remember when,” Lulu Titus explained. “Not once in my life have I seen him use that dang meter attack. I don’t know how he does it. He told me he was saving it until marriage, but we’ve been together for 40 years, and I haven’t seen him so much as enter the first few inputs of his hyper combo. You know how men are — they like to bottle everything up, and release it when they’re trying to move in close against characters with strong air game.”

Titus’s grandson, Leehigh, expressed confusion at his father’s reluctance to use his meter attack.

“If I had a meter attack, I’d use it as soon as I could. My pop-pop says that’s immature,” said Leehigh. “Sometimes I see boys in the locker room at school, sending gigantic tendrils of ice up from the floor in front of them, or vanishing into dark portals that allow them to teleport to the other side of the school, laughing and bragging about their attacks. My pop-pop says that there’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, and that the longer I hold onto it, the more damage it’ll do when I’m finally ready to use it; he tells me I have to be worried about something called ‘true combo potential.’”

At press time, hospital staff assured the public that there is no concern of Titus accidentally releasing his meter attack at the moment of his death, since all doctors and nurses are trained in life-saving parrying techniques.

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